What does my handwriting say about me?

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a fairly energetic person. You know how do pace yourself, and you deal well with stress. You are somewhat outgoing, but you're not a natural extrovert. You think first before you act. You tend to be independent, rational, and logical. You are extravagant, over the top, and indulgent. You set trends and influence people. You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well. You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart. You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

Crazy again

Well, I guess that I am just a bit on the crazy side once again...things are going so well, yet I continue to feel that the bottom is going to drop out from under me...why...I saw another darn Cardinal yesterday on the way to dropping the kids off at speech and they continue to pop up everywhere (in books and magazines in particular)...I know that this should be seen as a good sign, and yet, I can't seem to get that nervous feeling to go away. I know that things are going so well now and I am certainly not sitting around feeling the fear or anything (this is big for me). I know how lucky we are to have Micah and I am not going to worry about what might happen (except for me having that feeling that won't go away). I read something another heart mom had written about her heart baby and I really liked it: she said something along the lines of his heart defect not being what defines him, rather it being something that makes him special. I really like that thought...because Micah is so much more than his heart, and there is so much fun, mischievious personality that he has and it was not made by his heart, it was made by G-d creating a very special little boy for me to love. Anyway, that is all I needed to get off my chest at this moment...well, there is a lot more, but that can wait :)

Noah

Well, I am annoyed at my mother--here I am 32 and annoyed at her yet again. As I have written before, Noah has had some trouble with behavior and anxiety...well, Monday after much discussion with his play therapist and his pediatrician, I decided to bring him to a psychiatrist. Now remember, I have struggled with depression for almost as long as I can remember and I get so anxious it is unbearable. I have spent the majority of my life with few friends because I am so painfully shy. It takes someone taking an interest in me for me to warm up and become their friend. I feel that once I am able to do that I am no longer so anxious, but it is hard. I hate going to events that I do not know anyone, as I am sure to get sick...anyway, where I am going with this is that Noah "looks" just like me when it comes to this. I am terrified that he is going to end up like me and I do not wish this on anyone. That is why I started him in play therapy last year...he just is not making tremendous progress and it breaks my heart. So, the psychiatrist told me that he needs to be on medicine for his anxiety (and most likely ADHD as well, but we are not there yet). So, Noah was started on Prozac Monday. I just pray that this is the right thing for him...I just want him happy and I want him to have happy memories of his childhood...mostly I just want him to live a life where he does not worry all the time and he is not sad. So, my mother told me I was not allowed to write about this on CaringBridge...I told her I am not ashamed of this, but she obviously is...for now, I will not upset her, so I will only write about it here...I guess I need to pick my battles...this one is not worth it right now. Please pray that Noah does not have any of the side effects of the medicine...I just want him healthy and happy.

Therapy by the scissors...

Saturday, I finally went and did something for myself--I went to get my hair done for the first time in many, many months. I had all sorts of pictures picked out on what I liked, but I was not sure if I really should go through with it. As I showed the pictures to the stylist, she said that she felt it would look good on me and then she started to cut...after she asked me one last time if I was really sure I wanted this. As I saw my hair coming off, tears started to flood my eyes...I loved the hair style, but it was as if so much of the pain, anxiety and stress that I have held on to over the last year and a half was being cut away from me. I was feeling a sense of relief from all the things that have happened since Micah's diagnosis. I am very aware of the fact that I am still terrified, anxious and not fully "functional" yet, but it sure did help cleanse me of some of the stuff that I just could not let go of. Amazingly, the last week or so, I have been incredibly emotional...I am not sure if it has to do with the fact that Grandpa died almost 13 years ago, or if it is because we are coming up on another anniversary of Micah's cath procedure, when he was so sick, or if it is because Micah still is not "healthy" like he was suppose to be. I just know that the tears are flowing freely this week. Anyway, I had about 10 inches of hair chopped off and now I have the "Pob" the Posh bob--it takes me a little more time to do in the mornings, but it is sassy!

Superstitions????

Okay, here is one of my many quirks...I am very superstitious about things (black cats, broken mirrors, the number 13, ladders etc...). I also have this bizarreness about me that lets me know things sooner than expected (I know when someone is pregnant often before they do--or when they are not yet telling, I can often sense when something is not right with a close friend etc.), but included in this is my seemingly perfect ability to predict when something bad is going to happen with someone in my family.

Now, people may find me to be absolutely crazy, but here it goes. My grandpa Bootzie (Bernard) passed away 13 years ago (September 15). I was very close to him and Noah was named after him...I could not give Noah his first name because I did not want Noah's initials to be BM--sorry...so Noah's Hebrew name is Baruch, which was my grandpa's Hebrew name...Noah's middle name is Aaron, where I took the A from my grandpa's middle name, Albert.

Grandpa's death was very hard on me, but I found a great sense of peace everytime I saw a cardinal (the bird) because my grandpa was a HUGE St. Louis Cardinal fan. From what my family tells me he was suppose to be the catcher for the team back in his day, but called away to war instead. So, since his death, if I was down in the dumps or depressed or discouraged, it seemed that a cardinal would show up to let me know that all would be okay. This has always been a reassuring thing to me.

Well, interestingly enough, right before I found out about Micah, cardinals started showing up all over the place. This was great for me because I knew my grandpa was sharing his strength with me. Now, the problem with this is now when I see a cardinal, I am a bit on edge. I know, I know...CRAZY...but....everytime that I have seen a cardinal since Micah's diagnosis in utero, within about 2 weeks we hear something bad about his health.

So, here it goes, I have seen two cardinals on separate occasions since Monday morning, so I am here worried about what might be coming. Don't worry, it is not consuming my life, I simply wonder about what is going to happen a little each day. I know that I cannot change or predict the future, and I also know that I cannot live in constant fear, so I don't, I just have a heightened sense of awareness. I think that this helps me be slightly more prepared when I am told of something. I will continue to hope that these two birds/Grandpa were simply telling me hello from above this week, but....who knows.

Micah Online

Hi Everyone...a couple weeks ago a member of a support group that I belong to was looking for CHD stories to publish on her nonprofit's website, so I volunteered Micah's story. Please click on this link, http://www.kidswithheart.org/ and you will find Micah's story, it starts with a little blurb at the beginning and then there is a link to click on to get his whole story. This is one of the nonprofits that fund CHD stuff...plus they have really cool items for purchase! You can make a donation in his honor as well.
Hugs,
Samantha
P.S. I am posting this everywhere...so you will find it on all my sites!
Here's a picture of the little guy, getting in trouble of course! As a side...he has broken the kids Apple keyboard and the DVD player in a matter of just two days...I think we need to find a way to control this one!

Not much going on here...

except for the fact that I am now sick! Noah got me. Oh well. He is too darn cute, he burst into tears this morning when I said I was not feeling well and he ran and gave me a huge hug saying "I am so sorry I got you sick Mommy". Well, that broke my heart, but at the same time, it was one of the sweetest things ever to be said. He is such a special little boy! I actually do not think he got me sick, as my throat does not hurt-I am more bothered with my ear/congestion and my tummy. It is not easy being a mommy when you are sick, that is for sure!

On another note, I am finding myself incredibly torn about Micah's heart cath last week. I think back to the doctor walking up to us and I remember my heart just pounding...then she said he was looking pretty good. My first reaction was disbelief, then relief, but the more I think back on it, the more I find myself torn. I am THRILLED that he does not need surgery right now, but at the same time, I am upset because the poor baby will simply just nurse and his little head is soaked from sweating. He can be playing with Noah and Leah for just a few minutes and be breathing like he just ran a marathon! It does not slow him down at all--thankfully, but it breaks my heart. I want him to be able to do normal things, I want him to be able to play soccer, football or anything that he wants to, but that is not going to happen.

I am so thankful that he is as healthy as he is, but I am sad for him that I will have to set more limits with him on certain things, and I can tell that his personality will not like that one bit. I am so happy that I have this little guy in my life and I only wish that I could be more like him. I do not obsess as much about it anymore like I use to...I don't let his heart consume me, but there are moments everyday that I look at him and I wish with everything in me that I could have made him just as healthy as I made Noah & Leah. We are so lucky with his outcomes in comparison to so many others, and I respect that, but at the same time, he is my baby and he is not thriving in the manner that I had wished for. I sometimes wonder if I somehow upset G-d when I was pregnant with Micah because I would tell everyone, I don't care what the baby is, just as long as it is healthy, but then I continued on to say...but it would be great to have a boy so that Leah was the only girl and it would be easier for her being the middle child. I know that I will never know what caused his heart problems (still that whole Zoloft guilt in me), but I think it is a question that may torment me for a long time to come.

Anyway, I have to go off to Costco now to stock up on a bunch of food and paper supplies--it has been almost 2 months since my last visit there! Jonathan hates it when I go there because he does not understand the point of buying in bulk!

Jonathan

I do not seem to give enough credit to Jonathan's feelings about my precious kiddos. He has always been one of those men, you know the kind, never showing his emotions. I have only seen him cry three times in our time together (one fight we had, Noah's birth, and when Micah was being diagnosed with his heart defect.) I think because of this, I dismiss his feelings about all this. I think that I get angry with him for not being more concerned, when in reality, he just expresses himself differently than I do.

We got a copy of the letter that the cardiologist sends to the pediatrician today, and from it, we gathered that she is very concerned about the actual tricuspid valve and feels that there may be something wrong with it as well. Since reading that, Jonathan has been rather sad looking and just hugs on Micah. It may have more to do with the fact that he is jet lagged and tired from his 12 day business trip to Europe, but he is sad. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. It is sad for me to look at what I imagine to be this pillar of strength (that normally upsets me that he does not get rattled at all) looking so defeated.

Starbucks no more...

I am sad to say that I have had to give up my morning guilty pleasure. There will be no more Venti Non-fat Hazelnut Lattes for me. I cannot believe that $4.11 was not enough for Starbucks, they had to raise it by another $0.09. So now I am ever so grateful to my wonderful husband who had been preparing me for this transition when he bought me my very own espresso/coffee/frothing machine. This one really works and I must say, I have gotten pretty good at making my own lattes--although they are the vanilla variety because I cannot find hazelnut coffee syrup in a large size. So, until a crisis of no time to prepare my own latte in the morning arises, good bye Starbucks.

Tough

Here I am trying to be tough, and I am finding it more and more difficult. I think that the constant stress and worry is starting to really catch up to me and I am finding myself more and more irritable and sad. I screamed at Noah and Leah last night just because I was so tired from the entire day being spent in the doctor's offices and my inability to settle myself down. I feel horrible especially since I heard Leah crying in a dream, and I have to wonder if it was because of my mood.

I think that I am feeling very alone right now. Jonathan is in Europe again and I have had to deal with Micah's health alone. There have been a few friends that have helped me through, some that I have never even met, but it seems that some that I thought were the closest to me are really not there at all. I respect that everyone has their own lives and their own things, but those that I am talking about have time for me to lean on them, are close family or friends, and I have been there for them even when I was not in a place to really be there for them, but I was. I am also so tired of certain people, who shall remain unmentioned, that say "can I help"--but have absolutely no intention to help at all, they just want the appearance of helping.

What is helpful is when my mom just brings dinner over for us because she knows that I have no energy to cook dinner or when my mom just says, come over here so that the kids can play and you can have a break. That is helpful, not just empty thoughts of doing something. Jonathan has often discussed moving to a better climate state, but I cannot leave my mom. As much as the woman drives me crazy, she is the one who is my rock, she is the one who I can always count on. She comes to the ER with me in the middle of the night, or calls me 85 times during the day to make sure I am still okay. I cannot leave her, she is the only family support I have. There are a few other moms here in town that are so wonderful as well, but they all have their own families and issues that stem from their kids, but they call or email me daily to check on us. That is surely appreciated. Many of you who keep up with me and my family have given me so much support. Just a simple note saying that you are thinking of us has helped me so much...I just can't believe that some of my own family cannot do that for us.

I know that this sounds whiny, and I realize as I read through this particular site that this is where I write my pessimistic/sad/irritated thoughts. I apologize for that, but I have found that it really helps to empty those thoughts and I feel so much better when all is said and done. I try to keep much more optimistic and happy on the other two sites, so if this is too depressing, please keep up with us on the caringbridge site and the family pictures site. I really am not normally so sad sounding, although anyone who has met me over the last 16 months would not believe that!

I just hope to get out of this rut really soon, it has been really tough on me to have the chronic ups and downs over the last 16 months. I just want my family to be healthy and I want to feel like I am not carrying the world on my shoulders. I just feel that I cannot do anything anymore. I have not been able to write thank you notes for Micah's birthday gifts yet or even get the piles of papers off the kitchen counters, I guess I am doing the best I can right now, but it is not enough for me.

Rollercoaster

Caution: this is a long, rambling post.

The last week has proven itself to be a bit of a roller coaster for me. One minute I am laughing and smiling and the next I am crying hysterically. My poor family does not know what I am going to do next. All of the "excitement" is from the huge milestone that Micah hit this week with turning one year old and has been compounded by Micah getting sick and finding out that his heart is having some more troubles.

Everything about Micah has been an adventure in my life...I knew I was pregnant with him before the blood tests could even prove it, as demonstrated by the fact that the doctors concluded and convinced me that I must just be depressed again and started me on an antidepressant, which I still credit for his heart defect. I found out a few weeks later that indeed I was pregnant (stopped the medication) and much further along than originally thought-that darn blood test missed the pregnancy by only a day or so! Then at our 19 week sonogram to find out what baby #3 would be, we discover that the heart is not showing a nice picture....oh well, next month we are "lucky" enough to get another sonogram--23 weeks, surprise--heart defect! That sent me over the edge I am sure, but from March 29, 2006 all the way up to today, I have feared for Micah's health daily. Every little thing with him I worry about. I worry a lot anyway, but the problem seems to be that when I start to worry about him, there is something wrong, i.e. congestive heart failure two times, seizures and ear infections all the time.

I have never in my life been a religious person-sure, I celebrated the major holidays, mostly only looking forward to Chanuka for the presents and I know a bit about Judaism, but I am not religious. I instantly found great relief in believing that G-d would protect my baby when we heard the words that he had a heart defect. I find myself thanking G-d daily for giving me these beautiful children, that sometimes I do not feel I deserve. I often do not know how I can be the best mother to them, but I do know that I am the best mother that I can possibly be to them. I know that my heart aches when they are hurt, sick or away from them. I love to watch them grow and achieve and it makes me so proud to watch them learn something new or do something they have never done before. These children are something else!

Anyway, Saturday we celebrated Micah's first birthday, thankfully not his actual birthday because I am sure my guests would be very confused about my constant crying that day and I continue to cry as we approach the one-year anniversary of Micah's surgery tomorrow. I pulled out the old photo album of Micah's first days and I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for many different reasons however, the main reason is the fact that I have my amazing little miracle here with me to love, hold and cherish. I look at his beautiful face everyday and I thank G-d all over again for allowing me to hold him and care for him. Micah has proven from his very beginnings to be one who is going to follow his own path, and most of his family has been right along beside him the entire way. That is a whole other thing that gets me, family who detach themselves selfishly so that they do not get hurt in the process, therefore alienating those of us who believe so strongly that Micah can and will survive all the obstacles in his life. It has proved to be ever so difficult for me to forgive these people in our life, and I hope that one day I am able to do so, but right now, I cannot find the strength to allow that kind of pessimism around my family. This is not an easy task to accomplish, but I will continue to teach my kids that all three of them are survivors and that no matter what is put forth as an obstacle, we will make it.

I worry so much about his heart, his seizures and his general health, but I love that I get to worry about him everyday. I love that I have him here to love. I am forever grateful to the surgeon and his team who saved my child from the inevitable consequence of not correcting his defect. I am also forever grateful to our amazing pediatrician who has saved Micah's life at least twice already as well due to his persistence and for pushing for what Micah needed. I have never been a person who has been able to trust, this is an unfortunate thing for someone who has to learn to trust someone to save their child's life. I know now that a person must let go of some of the control every now and then in order to save their child's life. I had to trust G-d, the doctor's and nurses to heal my baby, I could not. All I could do was pray that the trust I had in G-d and the doctor's would be enough.

So, I feel that Micah, Leah & Noah have helped me become a better person today. I am still learning so very much and I hope that what I do as a mother helps them become even stronger than they already are. Most of all, I pray that these kids continue to grow up and become whoever they want to become in life.

What a week

Well this has been a wild week for sure. I thought this would be just another birthday weeek for me...the phone calls and cards from my family and friends, but of course it has turned into so much more. I turned 32 on Wednesday, but that day was welcomed in at the emergency room for Micah. Our cardiologist kept saying it must be respiratory, but after an echo on Thursday, it turned out it was his heart. I am in this strange place right now where I am not totally freaking out, because I knew in my own heart that something was wrong with his. I have carried a bad feeling with me for over two weeks now and I was just waiting to see what it was all about. I feel awful for my little guy, he is just shy of his first birthday and having yet another bout of congestive heart failure. I do not see how this is fair for such a happy little boy who only wants to play and sing with his brother and sister. I must say that I owe Micah's life to his pediatrician who has been the most vocal, strong-willed man lobbying on Micah's behalf with the cardiologist to check him out. This is the second time since Micah's open heart that he has gone into CHF, and both times, our pediatrician was the one who knew it and continued to force further investigation by the cardiologist. I am beyond angry right now that we had to fight for a simple echo that the insurance company pays for with no issues. I am able to look on the bright side here...if he is still on the Lasix at the start of RSV season, he qualifies for Synagis shots again this year, so I am wondering if this is some kind of small blessing to help him fight RSV.

Anyway, tomorrow is Micah's big birthday party! I am so excited for him. There will be lots of kids here to celebrate with him and of course his grandparents too. I am in such amazement with this little guy who is so strong and such a fighter. I know that his determination in life has helped him get to where he is and will continue to pull him through all the hard times (hopefully the hard times in the future will be about love, relationships, and normal stuff--not the heart).

The bright side...

As I sit here and write this, I am trying really hard to do as my mom tells me to do and see the bright side of things. That is not so easy to do right now. As much as I love and adore my kids and see them as perfect, it is hard to admit to myself that they are not, nor am I. I give my kids so much love, probably spoiling them more than anyone ever should and not being the best disciplinarian. I have not set stable rules that I follow all the time and I have certainly done more wrong over the last four and a half years then I would like to admit. I am sorry that this is such a depressing post, as most of them have been (sad that I have been so depressed lately). I want to be happy, but it seems that I keep looking at myself and wondering what exactly I am doing wrong to where my kids are not totally normal kids. I look first at Micah who obviously has his heart problem history and his seizures, then I look at Leah who is for the most part fine, but quiet and stuck in the middle, and then there is Noah who is so angry and sad all the time. I seem to have hit a brick wall with Noah, not knowing what to do next. He has days that he is absolutely perfect--loving, caring, adorable and sweet and then there are days that he is all of the prior and also angry, sad, anxious and out of control. My mom tells me it is just him and that this is what all four year olds do. Well, I know that this is not the case, that he is different, he is special. He is so incredibly smart that I believe he is above and beyond my level of intelligence most of the time. He sees something one time and he masters it. He can figure out just about anything that is presented to him. He is just amazing. I just want him to be happy. I do not mind tantrums-trust me, Leah and Micah are professionals with the tantrums, but Noah's scare me--I actually have sat and wondered to myself if when I put him in his room to settle down if he is going to find a way to hurt himself. If he gets quiet in there, I run in to make sure he is okay. I know that these are not normal fears of a mother and that the things he is doing are not normal for a four year old. I am glad that he sees a play therapist for this, but I am angry at myself for passing this on to him. I am not sure exactly what is going on with him, but I am pretty sure that my history of depression has not helped in this. I also know that all my anxiety has been passed on to him and I am so angry at myself for this as well. Just as I am angry at myself for taking antidepressants before knowing that I was pregnant with Micah, which I stopped the moment that I found out I was pregnant, but I took them during his heart development--so I am sure in my own heart that I broke his. I will not stop being the loving mom I am to the kids. I have to find a way to make myself happy again. It just seems that the only thing that makes me happy anymore are the smiles that I get from Noah, Leah & Micah. I only wish that I could find more in my life to make me happy as well and help make myself whole so that I can be a better mom to the kids and a better wife to Jonathan.

Life

I have only lost three very close people to me, my great aunt, my great grandma and my grandfather. I was very young when my great aunt and great grandmother passed away, but I remember feeling sad without really understanding it. I also lost a cousin last year who I loved dearly, but did not know very well as he lived in St. Louis, he was much younger than me and we only saw each other at family events. When my grandfather passed away unexpectedly my sophmore year of college, it was devastating to me. I remember feeling so out of control angry and having these feelings of despair run through my body. I locked myself in the bedroom for hours at a time and cried until I could not breathe. I remember being so angry with G-d for taking my grandpa away and refusing to speak to the rabbi, who my mom begged to speak to me. I cried and I cried thinking that the pain would never go away. The pain has lessened over the last 11 years, but I still find myself missing him and wishing that he could have met my beautiful babies. Noah was named after him (well his Hebrew name of Baruch) and he remains one of my heroes in life. I look for him at every important event in my life and he presents himself to me as a cardinal that will fly by or sing in a tree outside my house. As a matter of fact, I just saw two cardinals last week fly in front of my car as I drove to pick the kids up from school. He has an amazing ability to come into my life and let me know that everything will be alright.

This is all hitting me hard today, as I have just learned of a heart baby's entry to heaven. There has been a family that our support group has been following and helping out over the last few weeks as their precious son (3 years old) struggled to hold on for life. He had HLHS and he went to heaven today. As I sit here thinking about him and my own children I realize how fragile life is. We do not know how much time we will be given with those that we love so it is so important that we cherish the good, the bad and the unexpected. My heart goes out to this family and any family that has lost a child. I cannot even begin to imagine the sense of loss and despair that goes along with losing your child. I feel such pain when one of my kids is sick, so I cannot even begin to imagine how one feels when their child is taken from them.

I will cherish every moment that I have with my family and friends and I will give more hugs and kisses to those in my life and make sure that they know how much I love and appreciate them in my life.

Seven Years

On June 11, Jonathan and I celebrated our 7th anniversary, or should I say that I celebrated with the kids and he was in Germany on business, so we really have not celebrated yet. I was really bummed that he left on the 10th when he had discussed not leaving until the 11th or 12th this time around, but there was really very little that I could say about it. At least this job allows us to live in a great house and allows me to stay at home with the kiddos. Anyway, it has been a crazy 7 years for sure. The last year has been very trying for us, but I do know that we will make it through as Micah gets healthier and healthier and we don't have to worry about him as much (as if that will ever happen-I worry nonstop about all three of them and there is almost nothing wrong with Noah & Leah).

Mommy moment

I have to say that there is not a single thing that I enjoy more than the moment that I have all three of my babies cuddle up next to me as they try to fall asleep at night. I absolutely love it when Noah & Leah want to play with my hair to help them fall asleep, all while Micah is trying to pull on my hair as well. I love every single minute that I am given with these kids (even if the majority of the time I am asking myself if I can really do this). They are such amazing people and I love watching them grow.

Computer person, me???

Okay, so I know how to do all the basics with the computer--well I know how to use it, but on Wednesday when my internet went bye-bye, I totally freaked out! I tried to do all the things that Jonathan does when it goes out with no success. I called my dad, who got annoyed with me (big surprise). So I called AT&T and they assured me that there was nothing wrong with the DSL or the modem. Well, after an hour of troubleshooting that afternoon with no success, I lost patience and moved on to calling Jonathan in Germany and complaining! Mind you, it was close to midnight his time, but I deserve some attention right? He could not help me either, so the next morning I go to my friends house to check my email and return some emails. Her husband had sympathy for me (I was going nuts not being able to read blogs and check email) so he came over and loaned me his wireless pcs card so that I could stay in the loop a little bit. That day I spent another 4 hours trying to troubleshoot the DSL problem only to be told that it was indeed the modem. I did not have time that day to go buy a new one so it had to wait until yesterday--I bought the new one, called AT&T and I managed to get the internet working at my house once again! YEAH ME! Okay, sorry to have bored you about this story, but it consumed so much of my time this week that I had to talk about it.

Selfish???

I am sitting here wondering if I am a selfish person for wanting just one day to go by where I do not have to take care of someone other than myself or my kids. I sit here and realize that someone is always wanting something from me, be it someone to listen to while they complain or retell stories of years past. Don't get me wrong, I love to listen to others and to help others, that is the profession that I am in, but what I want is the opportunity for those who are close to me to actually do the same for me. It does not seem to matter to many of the other people in my life that I have had a really bad year--yes it has been great welcoming Micah into my life, but it has been really hard for me too. There are some in my life who are willing to listen to me...but I am really bothered by others who cannot do for me what I have done for them year after year after year. I sit and struggle through my life daily and I do everything I can to make it day by day without crying (which is not often). Sorry about the whining, but I feel so much better now...well, a little better that is.

My first entry

I do not really expect that anyone will read this particular blog. I am going to use this space to write about my life and how I seem to fit into this world. There is nothing that seems to pull me in so many directions than my family. I will use this space to write about me--something that I forget to do almost all the time. I have no problems talking about my kids or my family, but I always forget to talk about myself--hopefully this will help keep my brain healthy! I will actually use this as a journal into my life--not really exciting stuff, sorry.

Samantha