except for the fact that I am now sick! Noah got me. Oh well. He is too darn cute, he burst into tears this morning when I said I was not feeling well and he ran and gave me a huge hug saying "I am so sorry I got you sick Mommy". Well, that broke my heart, but at the same time, it was one of the sweetest things ever to be said. He is such a special little boy! I actually do not think he got me sick, as my throat does not hurt-I am more bothered with my ear/congestion and my tummy. It is not easy being a mommy when you are sick, that is for sure!
On another note, I am finding myself incredibly torn about Micah's heart cath last week. I think back to the doctor walking up to us and I remember my heart just pounding...then she said he was looking pretty good. My first reaction was disbelief, then relief, but the more I think back on it, the more I find myself torn. I am THRILLED that he does not need surgery right now, but at the same time, I am upset because the poor baby will simply just nurse and his little head is soaked from sweating. He can be playing with Noah and Leah for just a few minutes and be breathing like he just ran a marathon! It does not slow him down at all--thankfully, but it breaks my heart. I want him to be able to do normal things, I want him to be able to play soccer, football or anything that he wants to, but that is not going to happen.
I am so thankful that he is as healthy as he is, but I am sad for him that I will have to set more limits with him on certain things, and I can tell that his personality will not like that one bit. I am so happy that I have this little guy in my life and I only wish that I could be more like him. I do not obsess as much about it anymore like I use to...I don't let his heart consume me, but there are moments everyday that I look at him and I wish with everything in me that I could have made him just as healthy as I made Noah & Leah. We are so lucky with his outcomes in comparison to so many others, and I respect that, but at the same time, he is my baby and he is not thriving in the manner that I had wished for. I sometimes wonder if I somehow upset G-d when I was pregnant with Micah because I would tell everyone, I don't care what the baby is, just as long as it is healthy, but then I continued on to say...but it would be great to have a boy so that Leah was the only girl and it would be easier for her being the middle child. I know that I will never know what caused his heart problems (still that whole Zoloft guilt in me), but I think it is a question that may torment me for a long time to come.
Anyway, I have to go off to Costco now to stock up on a bunch of food and paper supplies--it has been almost 2 months since my last visit there! Jonathan hates it when I go there because he does not understand the point of buying in bulk!
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I hope you are feeling better very soon! It's no fun to be a sick mama (esp with 3 kiddos!).
I know it's hard, but try not to blame yourself for anything regarding Micah's health...and his limitations. It's not worth it! He is who he is because that's who God wanted him to be...not because of anything you did or thought. I truly believe that! And regarding the physical limitations he'll have in his life, he will have other personality traits and talents to make up for that. I'm certain that he'll be a very special little boy (as most of these heart babes are) and those things won't matter.
Get better soon!!
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