Life

I have only lost three very close people to me, my great aunt, my great grandma and my grandfather. I was very young when my great aunt and great grandmother passed away, but I remember feeling sad without really understanding it. I also lost a cousin last year who I loved dearly, but did not know very well as he lived in St. Louis, he was much younger than me and we only saw each other at family events. When my grandfather passed away unexpectedly my sophmore year of college, it was devastating to me. I remember feeling so out of control angry and having these feelings of despair run through my body. I locked myself in the bedroom for hours at a time and cried until I could not breathe. I remember being so angry with G-d for taking my grandpa away and refusing to speak to the rabbi, who my mom begged to speak to me. I cried and I cried thinking that the pain would never go away. The pain has lessened over the last 11 years, but I still find myself missing him and wishing that he could have met my beautiful babies. Noah was named after him (well his Hebrew name of Baruch) and he remains one of my heroes in life. I look for him at every important event in my life and he presents himself to me as a cardinal that will fly by or sing in a tree outside my house. As a matter of fact, I just saw two cardinals last week fly in front of my car as I drove to pick the kids up from school. He has an amazing ability to come into my life and let me know that everything will be alright.

This is all hitting me hard today, as I have just learned of a heart baby's entry to heaven. There has been a family that our support group has been following and helping out over the last few weeks as their precious son (3 years old) struggled to hold on for life. He had HLHS and he went to heaven today. As I sit here thinking about him and my own children I realize how fragile life is. We do not know how much time we will be given with those that we love so it is so important that we cherish the good, the bad and the unexpected. My heart goes out to this family and any family that has lost a child. I cannot even begin to imagine the sense of loss and despair that goes along with losing your child. I feel such pain when one of my kids is sick, so I cannot even begin to imagine how one feels when their child is taken from them.

I will cherish every moment that I have with my family and friends and I will give more hugs and kisses to those in my life and make sure that they know how much I love and appreciate them in my life.