Rollercoaster

Caution: this is a long, rambling post.

The last week has proven itself to be a bit of a roller coaster for me. One minute I am laughing and smiling and the next I am crying hysterically. My poor family does not know what I am going to do next. All of the "excitement" is from the huge milestone that Micah hit this week with turning one year old and has been compounded by Micah getting sick and finding out that his heart is having some more troubles.

Everything about Micah has been an adventure in my life...I knew I was pregnant with him before the blood tests could even prove it, as demonstrated by the fact that the doctors concluded and convinced me that I must just be depressed again and started me on an antidepressant, which I still credit for his heart defect. I found out a few weeks later that indeed I was pregnant (stopped the medication) and much further along than originally thought-that darn blood test missed the pregnancy by only a day or so! Then at our 19 week sonogram to find out what baby #3 would be, we discover that the heart is not showing a nice picture....oh well, next month we are "lucky" enough to get another sonogram--23 weeks, surprise--heart defect! That sent me over the edge I am sure, but from March 29, 2006 all the way up to today, I have feared for Micah's health daily. Every little thing with him I worry about. I worry a lot anyway, but the problem seems to be that when I start to worry about him, there is something wrong, i.e. congestive heart failure two times, seizures and ear infections all the time.

I have never in my life been a religious person-sure, I celebrated the major holidays, mostly only looking forward to Chanuka for the presents and I know a bit about Judaism, but I am not religious. I instantly found great relief in believing that G-d would protect my baby when we heard the words that he had a heart defect. I find myself thanking G-d daily for giving me these beautiful children, that sometimes I do not feel I deserve. I often do not know how I can be the best mother to them, but I do know that I am the best mother that I can possibly be to them. I know that my heart aches when they are hurt, sick or away from them. I love to watch them grow and achieve and it makes me so proud to watch them learn something new or do something they have never done before. These children are something else!

Anyway, Saturday we celebrated Micah's first birthday, thankfully not his actual birthday because I am sure my guests would be very confused about my constant crying that day and I continue to cry as we approach the one-year anniversary of Micah's surgery tomorrow. I pulled out the old photo album of Micah's first days and I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for many different reasons however, the main reason is the fact that I have my amazing little miracle here with me to love, hold and cherish. I look at his beautiful face everyday and I thank G-d all over again for allowing me to hold him and care for him. Micah has proven from his very beginnings to be one who is going to follow his own path, and most of his family has been right along beside him the entire way. That is a whole other thing that gets me, family who detach themselves selfishly so that they do not get hurt in the process, therefore alienating those of us who believe so strongly that Micah can and will survive all the obstacles in his life. It has proved to be ever so difficult for me to forgive these people in our life, and I hope that one day I am able to do so, but right now, I cannot find the strength to allow that kind of pessimism around my family. This is not an easy task to accomplish, but I will continue to teach my kids that all three of them are survivors and that no matter what is put forth as an obstacle, we will make it.

I worry so much about his heart, his seizures and his general health, but I love that I get to worry about him everyday. I love that I have him here to love. I am forever grateful to the surgeon and his team who saved my child from the inevitable consequence of not correcting his defect. I am also forever grateful to our amazing pediatrician who has saved Micah's life at least twice already as well due to his persistence and for pushing for what Micah needed. I have never been a person who has been able to trust, this is an unfortunate thing for someone who has to learn to trust someone to save their child's life. I know now that a person must let go of some of the control every now and then in order to save their child's life. I had to trust G-d, the doctor's and nurses to heal my baby, I could not. All I could do was pray that the trust I had in G-d and the doctor's would be enough.

So, I feel that Micah, Leah & Noah have helped me become a better person today. I am still learning so very much and I hope that what I do as a mother helps them become even stronger than they already are. Most of all, I pray that these kids continue to grow up and become whoever they want to become in life.