Tough

Here I am trying to be tough, and I am finding it more and more difficult. I think that the constant stress and worry is starting to really catch up to me and I am finding myself more and more irritable and sad. I screamed at Noah and Leah last night just because I was so tired from the entire day being spent in the doctor's offices and my inability to settle myself down. I feel horrible especially since I heard Leah crying in a dream, and I have to wonder if it was because of my mood.

I think that I am feeling very alone right now. Jonathan is in Europe again and I have had to deal with Micah's health alone. There have been a few friends that have helped me through, some that I have never even met, but it seems that some that I thought were the closest to me are really not there at all. I respect that everyone has their own lives and their own things, but those that I am talking about have time for me to lean on them, are close family or friends, and I have been there for them even when I was not in a place to really be there for them, but I was. I am also so tired of certain people, who shall remain unmentioned, that say "can I help"--but have absolutely no intention to help at all, they just want the appearance of helping.

What is helpful is when my mom just brings dinner over for us because she knows that I have no energy to cook dinner or when my mom just says, come over here so that the kids can play and you can have a break. That is helpful, not just empty thoughts of doing something. Jonathan has often discussed moving to a better climate state, but I cannot leave my mom. As much as the woman drives me crazy, she is the one who is my rock, she is the one who I can always count on. She comes to the ER with me in the middle of the night, or calls me 85 times during the day to make sure I am still okay. I cannot leave her, she is the only family support I have. There are a few other moms here in town that are so wonderful as well, but they all have their own families and issues that stem from their kids, but they call or email me daily to check on us. That is surely appreciated. Many of you who keep up with me and my family have given me so much support. Just a simple note saying that you are thinking of us has helped me so much...I just can't believe that some of my own family cannot do that for us.

I know that this sounds whiny, and I realize as I read through this particular site that this is where I write my pessimistic/sad/irritated thoughts. I apologize for that, but I have found that it really helps to empty those thoughts and I feel so much better when all is said and done. I try to keep much more optimistic and happy on the other two sites, so if this is too depressing, please keep up with us on the caringbridge site and the family pictures site. I really am not normally so sad sounding, although anyone who has met me over the last 16 months would not believe that!

I just hope to get out of this rut really soon, it has been really tough on me to have the chronic ups and downs over the last 16 months. I just want my family to be healthy and I want to feel like I am not carrying the world on my shoulders. I just feel that I cannot do anything anymore. I have not been able to write thank you notes for Micah's birthday gifts yet or even get the piles of papers off the kitchen counters, I guess I am doing the best I can right now, but it is not enough for me.