1. Be kinder to Jonathan
2. Spend at least 1 ALONE hour with each of the kids every week doing something fun and enjoyable for us both.
3. Go on a date with Jonathan at least once a month…with NO kids!
4. Keep my closet clean and clothes hung up
5. Keep up with the kids clothes
6. Make enough time each week to do something for the Heart Support Group.
7. Do better with my administrative duties for Bundles of Snuggles.
8. Try to watch my diet…more for health and not for weight
9. Take at least 20 minutes of every day to just enjoy the good of life and not worry.
10. Find a job with Frisco ISD as a school counselor
11. Reconnect with friends that need my support
12. Continue to work on reducing the monthly budget.
13. I am going to find a way to not let the whining and bickering get to me. I am going to remind myself that at least I have my three kids here with me, so I am blessed to hear the whining and bickering.
14. This will be the year that I will find a way to forgive myself for Micah’s heart…intellectually I know I did not cause it, but I have still not been able to forgive myself…so this WILL be the year that this happens, somehow!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Awful Dream
Jonathan and I fight like cats and dogs and we seem to agree on about 5% of everything, but I love him like crazy. I guess I was not really realizing or respecting the amount of love I have for him until last night. I had an awful dream that he had an affair and he actually left me. Now, this is something that I really do not imagine him ever doing, but it scared the shit out of me. It was one of those dreams that wake you up sweating and in tears. It did not help that he was not here when it happened either, which makes for even more nerves. Anyway, it was so realistic and I really felt that I had lost him. Gives me some new perspective on how I need to change the way I talk to him and treat him...even though he drives me crazy :)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Pride
Well, this is something that I have not felt about myself in quite some time, but last night it hit me, and I am finding it hard to not have a smile on my face. I have been very conscious that the other women in my class are much better counselors than I am and I have been feeling rather insecure. I am feeling so much better after my tape that I showed last night. My professor spoke with me after my presentation and told me that he would prefer that I bring my "crappy" work to school so that he can help me grow...he said that the tape I showed yesterday was very well done...much further in the learning process than he expected to see and that "I got it". I am beaming with pride for myself for the first time in ages...I am proud that I get it...especially since I was doubting myself yet again on what my career choice is. I have always wanted to be a counselor, but I doubt myself so often. I think that just his reinforcement that I can do it, that I AM doing it, helps me realize that the other girls in the class are not way better than me, that I am right there with them and I do not have to worry about looking like a major failure in front of them. That is my next big task...SELF ESTEEM!!! I stink at that one :)
Monday, October 20, 2008
Parenting
The day I learned my third child was going to be born with a broken heart did not change me. No, nothing different happened except for the fear of him not making it through delivery. I had hope. Hope that he would be born healthy; hope that he would not need surgery like the cardiologist promised and hope that my life would remain the same. That hope is dead now. I still have hope, but it is a different kind and on a whole new level. This hope was born about two hours after Micah, when I heard he would require open-heart surgery after all. Then, at that moment, my hopes for my baby at that moment turned to the hope that he would make it to his room “one day” that he would make it out of surgery, that he would live. Parents are not suppose to actually think in their minds for a moment that their child might not make it.
My life changed, I no longer held the hope of a “normal” universe, it turned to the hope that I could just hold on. After all, there were two more, equally as important and incredible people who needed me at home. Micah was struggling to live, to breathe, to be. Noah and Leah were born perfect, perfect in every way. Sure I worried about them, I am a worrier after all, but my worries all changed that day. Looking back, I messed up, but at the same time, I did not. My two oldest babies needed me, but I could not leave my fragile baby alone in the hospital hanging on for his life. In that moment, I abandoned them, they were without their mom for about three and a half weeks physically, but I checked out emotionally for much longer than that. I was a screaming fool who could not control my range of emotions, so I simply stayed angry and sad all the time. I feel guilty for possibly causing Micah’s heart defect, but I also feel guilty for not being there for Noah and Leah, they needed me too, that is the mom’s job. I also feel horrible at how I have spoken to them, yelled at them and expected them to understand what I was feeling, that is not their job, they are just kids, kids who need a “healthy” mom and not one who is going to freak out if they spill their cup of milk on the floor.
Anyway, I am struggling with something, how can I treat Micah the same way as I treat Noah and Leah when I fear all the time for Micah’s life? All these heart kids can be just fine one minutes and gone the next-poof-gone dead, forever out of their parents arms, so how do I do it? I want him to have a normal life and not to be defined by his heart, but how do I let it go for just a little bit? How do I just let him be and not worry about him overexerting himself or overdoing it? I just need someone to tell me the easy answer, because I am not finding my answers anywhere, I cannot find a way to stop feeling this way. I hate that I worry about my baby leaving me. I am scared of everything with all the kids, but it is magnified by about 2 trillion with Micah. What will I do when he is old enough to make bigger decisions about his life and I do not have the ability to keep him as safe? Oh my, I do not even want to think about that!
Another thing, why do I get angry with my healthy kids when they complain about a little scrape on their knees…their brother had his chest pried open when he was only three days old-TWICE, and he wakes up every single morning with a smile and laugh. He never complains long about any injury he gets…little or big, he is thankful. I feel awful that I do not worry about a little cough or fever with them like I do with Micah after all they are healthy. I don’t think parents of “healthy” kids get it, not one bit. I don’t even think that many try even when they have a dear friend who has a child with a chronic illness. Let’s be totally honest here, I use to worry about my kids getting really sick, we all do that, but you know what? I had no idea that kids are born sick and the fear that is born into the hearts of these chronic kids. I don’t think some people realize that every night when I go to sleep I pray for Micah to live through the night so that I can have his smiling perfect personality in my life for one more day. I do not think that parents who have not watched their child fight for their life realize the fear that is instilled on a parent when parents have to sign a waiver that says that their child MAY not come out surgery or that some kind of tragic side effect could happen in surgery that may cause permanent damage to your child. A parent who has only had to deal with the common cold or low-grade fever does not understand or realize what a parent of a chronic child experiences. It is awful and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about what Micah has gone through.
I had a friend ask me a few weeks ago if I was okay. My reply to her was sad but incredibly true in that I do not think I will ever be okay again. I can be happy yes, but I will never be okay…how can a parent who lives with the possibility of their child’s heart stopping at any moment be okay? How can I not think about every activity I share with Micah being the last activity we will share together? I understand that we are not promised any tomorrows, any of us, but the fact that Micah has that much more stacked against him makes it that much more difficult for me. If I let my guard down something comes back and slaps me in the face, so it is better for me to be hyper vigilant with every detail of Micah’s life, it helps me…I am prepared and I have some control. I am able to make sure that he gets the care he needs, when he needs it, not when it is too late. This crazy behavior makes me sane in some way, it helps me realize that I can control what I am able to control and I have to leave the rest up to my belief that G-d will take care of my family. I have to believe that, but I will say that is hard too. So many bad things happen to good people and it is hard to deal with, really hard.
To make matters even worse, the relationship between the parents of this sick kid changes. All of our hopes and dreams for our kids change and we are faced with dealing with all the medical bull shit that we have to learn about and understand. There is resentment and anger and tons of frustration with one another. There are misunderstandings and fights that should never take place and there is the bitterness that is expressed throughout every day. I know that I am blamed for Micah’s heart on some levels…he has never come out and said it, but I can tell. I can see it in his eyes and through his words. I am angry with him for not learning more about the medical stuff and for telling me “things will be just fine”. No one knows that, no one. A child’s illness changes a marriage, it is inevitable. Parents should not have to deal with this, but we do, every damn day, every day. We never get a vacation from the illness, we can vacation, but the disease follows us, it has been born into our hearts and our souls and we will never have a day that goes by ever again where we do not have some sense of worry about Micah’s heart. This can and does destroy marriages, but I know that ours is strong enough, we will fight and re-find each other and we can be happy again, it will just take time and a lot of work. We are struggling hard now, but we will make it.
Okay, I guess I feel a little better now, not much, but at least I got some of this out of my system.
My life changed, I no longer held the hope of a “normal” universe, it turned to the hope that I could just hold on. After all, there were two more, equally as important and incredible people who needed me at home. Micah was struggling to live, to breathe, to be. Noah and Leah were born perfect, perfect in every way. Sure I worried about them, I am a worrier after all, but my worries all changed that day. Looking back, I messed up, but at the same time, I did not. My two oldest babies needed me, but I could not leave my fragile baby alone in the hospital hanging on for his life. In that moment, I abandoned them, they were without their mom for about three and a half weeks physically, but I checked out emotionally for much longer than that. I was a screaming fool who could not control my range of emotions, so I simply stayed angry and sad all the time. I feel guilty for possibly causing Micah’s heart defect, but I also feel guilty for not being there for Noah and Leah, they needed me too, that is the mom’s job. I also feel horrible at how I have spoken to them, yelled at them and expected them to understand what I was feeling, that is not their job, they are just kids, kids who need a “healthy” mom and not one who is going to freak out if they spill their cup of milk on the floor.
Anyway, I am struggling with something, how can I treat Micah the same way as I treat Noah and Leah when I fear all the time for Micah’s life? All these heart kids can be just fine one minutes and gone the next-poof-gone dead, forever out of their parents arms, so how do I do it? I want him to have a normal life and not to be defined by his heart, but how do I let it go for just a little bit? How do I just let him be and not worry about him overexerting himself or overdoing it? I just need someone to tell me the easy answer, because I am not finding my answers anywhere, I cannot find a way to stop feeling this way. I hate that I worry about my baby leaving me. I am scared of everything with all the kids, but it is magnified by about 2 trillion with Micah. What will I do when he is old enough to make bigger decisions about his life and I do not have the ability to keep him as safe? Oh my, I do not even want to think about that!
Another thing, why do I get angry with my healthy kids when they complain about a little scrape on their knees…their brother had his chest pried open when he was only three days old-TWICE, and he wakes up every single morning with a smile and laugh. He never complains long about any injury he gets…little or big, he is thankful. I feel awful that I do not worry about a little cough or fever with them like I do with Micah after all they are healthy. I don’t think parents of “healthy” kids get it, not one bit. I don’t even think that many try even when they have a dear friend who has a child with a chronic illness. Let’s be totally honest here, I use to worry about my kids getting really sick, we all do that, but you know what? I had no idea that kids are born sick and the fear that is born into the hearts of these chronic kids. I don’t think some people realize that every night when I go to sleep I pray for Micah to live through the night so that I can have his smiling perfect personality in my life for one more day. I do not think that parents who have not watched their child fight for their life realize the fear that is instilled on a parent when parents have to sign a waiver that says that their child MAY not come out surgery or that some kind of tragic side effect could happen in surgery that may cause permanent damage to your child. A parent who has only had to deal with the common cold or low-grade fever does not understand or realize what a parent of a chronic child experiences. It is awful and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about what Micah has gone through.
I had a friend ask me a few weeks ago if I was okay. My reply to her was sad but incredibly true in that I do not think I will ever be okay again. I can be happy yes, but I will never be okay…how can a parent who lives with the possibility of their child’s heart stopping at any moment be okay? How can I not think about every activity I share with Micah being the last activity we will share together? I understand that we are not promised any tomorrows, any of us, but the fact that Micah has that much more stacked against him makes it that much more difficult for me. If I let my guard down something comes back and slaps me in the face, so it is better for me to be hyper vigilant with every detail of Micah’s life, it helps me…I am prepared and I have some control. I am able to make sure that he gets the care he needs, when he needs it, not when it is too late. This crazy behavior makes me sane in some way, it helps me realize that I can control what I am able to control and I have to leave the rest up to my belief that G-d will take care of my family. I have to believe that, but I will say that is hard too. So many bad things happen to good people and it is hard to deal with, really hard.
To make matters even worse, the relationship between the parents of this sick kid changes. All of our hopes and dreams for our kids change and we are faced with dealing with all the medical bull shit that we have to learn about and understand. There is resentment and anger and tons of frustration with one another. There are misunderstandings and fights that should never take place and there is the bitterness that is expressed throughout every day. I know that I am blamed for Micah’s heart on some levels…he has never come out and said it, but I can tell. I can see it in his eyes and through his words. I am angry with him for not learning more about the medical stuff and for telling me “things will be just fine”. No one knows that, no one. A child’s illness changes a marriage, it is inevitable. Parents should not have to deal with this, but we do, every damn day, every day. We never get a vacation from the illness, we can vacation, but the disease follows us, it has been born into our hearts and our souls and we will never have a day that goes by ever again where we do not have some sense of worry about Micah’s heart. This can and does destroy marriages, but I know that ours is strong enough, we will fight and re-find each other and we can be happy again, it will just take time and a lot of work. We are struggling hard now, but we will make it.
Okay, I guess I feel a little better now, not much, but at least I got some of this out of my system.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Long time!
Well, I have been pretty much a basket case for awhile, but I am hoping to turn it all around. I am not going to write too much about that, but I thought it would be fun to write 25 things about me...I got the idea from another blog that I read.
1. I adore my precious babies (they will ALWAYS be my babies, no matter what they say)
2. I love dogs...almost all of them...not mean ones, but I think that they are the cutest most loyal creatures in the universe.
3. I could NEVER be a vegetarian...I love beef way too much
4. I know way more about the heart and pediatric medicine than I ever care to know
5. I take on WAY too much...all the time and still take on more!
6. I cannot keep a clean/straight house and will always rely on my cleaning girl for all of eternity
7. I love watching fireworks
8. It was just brought to my attention today that I cannot remember the day I received my engagement ring...I do remember the day he proposed, but the actual ring receival was not that important to me...crazy huh?
9. I am painfully shy
10. which makes it horrendously difficult for me to make friends...which is why I do not have very many friends
11. I truly want to help the people that I work with in counseling them
12. I am not as religious as I would like to be
13. I am a pure blooded Democrat it is in my core belief system
14. I cannot even begin to imagine what a woman must go through inside herself to make a choice to abort a baby...babies are such a gift and such miracles
15. I love Disney World. I especially love taking the kids there and seeing them get so happy and giddy about the entire experience.
16. I fear daily of losing one of my kids
17. I love to cook, but never seem to find the time
18. Jonathan does not like any foods that I like to cook, so I guess that is why I can't find the time ;)
19. I went from NEVER wanting to be a SAHM to PLEADING with Jonathan to let me stay home to WANTING to go back to pure UNCERTAINTY about it all around.
20. I LOVE the beach...but hate going in the ocean.
21. I feel a lot of pain but will not ask for help
22. I am terrified of airplanes...terrified.
23. I love watching the kids get so excited about something so small, but to see that in their eyes it is HUGE!
24. I believe in Happily Ever After (but I think that there are so many obstacles along the way)...I DO NOT believe in divorce...there are only a few reasons I think it is okay
25. I love my family so much! I would be totally lost without each and everyone of them in my life.
So there it is...a few things about me.
1. I adore my precious babies (they will ALWAYS be my babies, no matter what they say)
2. I love dogs...almost all of them...not mean ones, but I think that they are the cutest most loyal creatures in the universe.
3. I could NEVER be a vegetarian...I love beef way too much
4. I know way more about the heart and pediatric medicine than I ever care to know
5. I take on WAY too much...all the time and still take on more!
6. I cannot keep a clean/straight house and will always rely on my cleaning girl for all of eternity
7. I love watching fireworks
8. It was just brought to my attention today that I cannot remember the day I received my engagement ring...I do remember the day he proposed, but the actual ring receival was not that important to me...crazy huh?
9. I am painfully shy
10. which makes it horrendously difficult for me to make friends...which is why I do not have very many friends
11. I truly want to help the people that I work with in counseling them
12. I am not as religious as I would like to be
13. I am a pure blooded Democrat it is in my core belief system
14. I cannot even begin to imagine what a woman must go through inside herself to make a choice to abort a baby...babies are such a gift and such miracles
15. I love Disney World. I especially love taking the kids there and seeing them get so happy and giddy about the entire experience.
16. I fear daily of losing one of my kids
17. I love to cook, but never seem to find the time
18. Jonathan does not like any foods that I like to cook, so I guess that is why I can't find the time ;)
19. I went from NEVER wanting to be a SAHM to PLEADING with Jonathan to let me stay home to WANTING to go back to pure UNCERTAINTY about it all around.
20. I LOVE the beach...but hate going in the ocean.
21. I feel a lot of pain but will not ask for help
22. I am terrified of airplanes...terrified.
23. I love watching the kids get so excited about something so small, but to see that in their eyes it is HUGE!
24. I believe in Happily Ever After (but I think that there are so many obstacles along the way)...I DO NOT believe in divorce...there are only a few reasons I think it is okay
25. I love my family so much! I would be totally lost without each and everyone of them in my life.
So there it is...a few things about me.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Just moving along
I have found myself full of emptiness lately. It is such a strange feeling since I do feel so much love for the kids, but it is this overriding feeling of nothing inside of me. It has gotten to the point where I no longer even get that angry about the things that once upset me (I do still get angry, just not as much). Anyway, it is time that I get put on medicine for this. I have finally made the appointment with the psychiatrist for next Wednesday and I will cave into this enemy of mine, the antidepressant. They are such amazing medicines that help turn lives around, however, I still feel in my core that these medicines are what turned Micah's life struggles into a reality. I continue to hold that guilt, yet I fully understand and comprehend how incredibly IRRATIONAL it is...but I do...I feel that I did this to him and I think that perhaps I have been refusing to get on medicine for so long almost as a way to punish myself even further. I know that the medicines will make me feel better...they have always been able to in the past, but do I truly deserve to feel better? Look at my sweet boy who cannot run around for more than 5 minutes without panting and gasping for breath...it hardly seems fair that I will be able to take a pill with a little water and then poof, all is great in my world...he can't do that...ever...he will always have to struggle. I know that I should not be feeling this, thinking this or even writing it, but I cannot help it. I feel alone, empty and sad...not much else. It is cutting me into small little pieces. I cannot keep up with the house, the kids, our "normal" family activities, and it bothers me.
I know that things can be so much worse in our lives, but I just feel plain rotten...I am so grateful for all the great things that we have in our life, but I still feel such a loss...another big one for me is how badly I want another baby. I know that I cannot handle it right now, too much going on, but I want another one so badly. I cannot part with any of the baby things because I do not want to. I am still young, but what if we had another baby who was sick? I do not think I could handle it...but what if he/she was not? Is it fair to have another baby and then stop having as much time for Micah? Is it fair to the three I have to have another one and have that baby have a heart defect as well? I just don't know...I don't know what to do with these thoughts. My mom who was so against me having anymore kids even mentioned that I am still young and may want to have another one down the road...but if Jonathan does not, then I really can't...I just don't know.
I guess that is where I am, in the land of not knowing...that seems to be where my life has been for over 2 years now. I know that no one can look into the future and tell me anything of how it will be, but some kind of idea of what might happen would be great. I once went to see a psychic...it was when I was dating Jonathan, and I cannot help but think about how so much of what she has said is true. I don't know, maybe I should see another one (I say this half laughing, but half meaning it). I am too afraid of what she could possibly tell me though about Micah. I know, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, but again, true.
I am going to stop typing now, since I sound like a total whack job...crazy loon I am :)
I know that things can be so much worse in our lives, but I just feel plain rotten...I am so grateful for all the great things that we have in our life, but I still feel such a loss...another big one for me is how badly I want another baby. I know that I cannot handle it right now, too much going on, but I want another one so badly. I cannot part with any of the baby things because I do not want to. I am still young, but what if we had another baby who was sick? I do not think I could handle it...but what if he/she was not? Is it fair to have another baby and then stop having as much time for Micah? Is it fair to the three I have to have another one and have that baby have a heart defect as well? I just don't know...I don't know what to do with these thoughts. My mom who was so against me having anymore kids even mentioned that I am still young and may want to have another one down the road...but if Jonathan does not, then I really can't...I just don't know.
I guess that is where I am, in the land of not knowing...that seems to be where my life has been for over 2 years now. I know that no one can look into the future and tell me anything of how it will be, but some kind of idea of what might happen would be great. I once went to see a psychic...it was when I was dating Jonathan, and I cannot help but think about how so much of what she has said is true. I don't know, maybe I should see another one (I say this half laughing, but half meaning it). I am too afraid of what she could possibly tell me though about Micah. I know, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, but again, true.
I am going to stop typing now, since I sound like a total whack job...crazy loon I am :)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
80 year old grandmas
SHOULD NOT, I repeat SHOULD NOT be left outside in Dallas, Texas in July while they wait for their granddaughter to come and get them...even if said granddaughter should be there shortly...grandma's may be difficult and stubborn, but you must tell them the way things are...and that does not include making them wait outside.
Kids
Okay...just want to clarify that I believe that kids should be allowed to be kids while they are young...for example, five and six year olds who are playing a sport should be playing that sport with the intent to learn how to play and not the intent to WIN! They are still young and need to learn how to play in a safe environment without adults making a mockery of that learning curve. Lay off screaming at the kids, coaches and referees until they are at least 7 years old...seriously!!!!!!!!!!1
You may now return to your previously scheduled programming...my vent is over...but don't you fear, there is another one coming in a moment :)
You may now return to your previously scheduled programming...my vent is over...but don't you fear, there is another one coming in a moment :)
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Just Plain Irritated
That pretty much describes my mood over the last couple of weeks. Here it goes...sorry for ranting yet again!
Here is one that totally gets me. There is a yahoo message board for people who live in our neighborhood. You would think that this would be a beneficial place to gather information about important things in the neighborhood, but in reality, all it does is irritate me. I ended up finally unsubscribing to it about two weeks ago because I had heard just enough from this one individual (who happens to "own" the group). Whenever anyone made any comment she would quickly reply with the most negative comments like the rest of the universe had no brain or intelligence. I think the best was the comment she made about home owners associations being the same as the Nazi's! I about lost it at that time and immediately responded to her letting her know how offensive that statement was and completely inappropriate to compare such things. She apologized in such a random way..."oh, I understand about genocide, I am Russian". Well, then, if you understand don't be a total social reject and make the comparison! She is so annoying.
Anyway, the last straw was not that huge of a deal, but there was a comment made about a babies swim diaper leaking in the community pool and the pool had to be closed down to be cleaned. Well, the last I checked, I don't think there are many parents purposely having their kids poop in the pool and she just went on and on about it. RIDICULOUS! Then another woman replied with a comment about that at she went off on her! CRAZY! So I replied with an email to her again stating that I will not longer subscribe to her stupid yahoo group since she is missing the basic social ability to be kind to people. She replied back saying that she would pray for me as I am obviously not well! SERIOUSLY?!?! Here is a woman who claims (publicly on her precious group) that about 15 people have ATTACKED her...so I replied with a simple email stating that when we feel a certain way about about something (say for example, being attacked by all these people) it may be time to look inside ourself to see what it is about ourself that is really the root of the problem. Well, that just pissed her off more...oh well. I am a big believer that when you feel that so many people are out to get you, you are either a paranoid personality or you need to change...in her case, she needs to change...she is just downright mean and obnoxious...even Jonathan said so...so it is not just me :)
Then on to my anniversary. I am beyond pissed off that my in-laws forgot our anniversary AGAIN this year. I know that it should not bother me, but it does. It makes me really upset and I find it rude and uncaring. I am pissed that they have such a lack of respect for my family that they cannot acknowledge (on the actual date or before I post something about it online) the day that joined our families together. It truly hurts to the bottom of my core...it does not bother Jonathan, because he knows that these things are not what his parents ever remember, but it bothers me and I cannot just get past it. I am really trying, but this is the second year in a row and a call with a message left on the answering machine the next day is just not acceptable. My parents both call me separately on all big days throughout the year (birthdays, anniversaries and holidays). I am not sure if my mom reminds my dad, but the fact is they both take time out of their really busy schedules to recognize the important days.
I am finding it harder and harder to deal with the in-laws and I have to for my family, but I am NOT going to go out of my way for them at all anymore...not at all!
Jonathan and I are not getting along well at all. We do not agree on much of anything and I just don't know what to do. I think that we probably need to go and talk to someone again, but we can't seem to find any time...what else is new? I know that he blames me (though he won't state it out loud) about Micah and I can't say that I don't blame him. I know that there are things that he does that bother me and though I have spoken to him about it, he has not listened...for example, he will ask my opinion on something, I give my opinion, then he does what he wants anyway. That is fine if he has his mind set on what to do, but if you are going to do what you want to do, just do it and don't involve me...that is all.
There is another board that I read that has a parenting and family section. There is a thread about every other week or so about not vaccinating your kids and how if you vaccinate your kids you are putting them at risk!?!? Again...I find that absurd! I know that there are kids who have adverse reactions to them, and I am not speaking of those kids...I am also not talking about kids who space their shots,or CANNOT get their shots due to their health, but these parents who are not vaccinating their kids at all! It really infuriates me because I think of the poor babies that CANNOT get vaccines due to their HEALTH and all these crazy parents who are putting the innocent kids at risk. It really upsets me! There are kids (and adults for that matter) that have compromised immune systems that are not able to get their vaccines, and then you have the parents of kids who choose not to vaccinate, therefore giving their kid a high possibility of getting those diseases and then passing them on to the people who would like to be protected but are not able. THERE IS A REASON that the AAP makes guidelines...sure there are risks, but for goodness sake, there is a risk of being hit by a car this afternoon. Look at Micah...what the heck did he do to deserve this? NOTHING! There is nothing that I won't do to protect my kids, and I just don't get it...I have read all these "anti-vaccination" threads and I still CANNOT find a SINGLE reason to NOT get every damn shot when the doctor tells me to do so. I hope that I have not offended anyone, I am not saying that I think any less of you if you do not vaccinate your kids, but I so not understand why placing a risk of a deadly disease is better than risking the very small possibility of an adverse reaction.
I also don't get why when the pediatrician that one has been seeing tells one that they will no longer be your doctor if you choose to not vaccinate, upsets a person! That doctor has every right to not treat you if you are going to put kids in their office at risk (again those that are not healthy enough or too young for the vaccinations). I had never thought about the fact that I could have exposed my kids to a deadly disease in the pediatrician's waiting room because they were not old enough for a shot yet and someone else had that disease. I also really cannot find anything in what the anti-vaccination community has to say that makes any sense to me on that.
I think I am just in a really bad mood...most likely PMS :) That is another thing that stinks...I forgot how much I hated PMS...no wonder I was always pregnant and nursing...I get horribly sick for the 5 days I have my visitor and the week before is pure hell!
Here is one that totally gets me. There is a yahoo message board for people who live in our neighborhood. You would think that this would be a beneficial place to gather information about important things in the neighborhood, but in reality, all it does is irritate me. I ended up finally unsubscribing to it about two weeks ago because I had heard just enough from this one individual (who happens to "own" the group). Whenever anyone made any comment she would quickly reply with the most negative comments like the rest of the universe had no brain or intelligence. I think the best was the comment she made about home owners associations being the same as the Nazi's! I about lost it at that time and immediately responded to her letting her know how offensive that statement was and completely inappropriate to compare such things. She apologized in such a random way..."oh, I understand about genocide, I am Russian". Well, then, if you understand don't be a total social reject and make the comparison! She is so annoying.
Anyway, the last straw was not that huge of a deal, but there was a comment made about a babies swim diaper leaking in the community pool and the pool had to be closed down to be cleaned. Well, the last I checked, I don't think there are many parents purposely having their kids poop in the pool and she just went on and on about it. RIDICULOUS! Then another woman replied with a comment about that at she went off on her! CRAZY! So I replied with an email to her again stating that I will not longer subscribe to her stupid yahoo group since she is missing the basic social ability to be kind to people. She replied back saying that she would pray for me as I am obviously not well! SERIOUSLY?!?! Here is a woman who claims (publicly on her precious group) that about 15 people have ATTACKED her...so I replied with a simple email stating that when we feel a certain way about about something (say for example, being attacked by all these people) it may be time to look inside ourself to see what it is about ourself that is really the root of the problem. Well, that just pissed her off more...oh well. I am a big believer that when you feel that so many people are out to get you, you are either a paranoid personality or you need to change...in her case, she needs to change...she is just downright mean and obnoxious...even Jonathan said so...so it is not just me :)
Then on to my anniversary. I am beyond pissed off that my in-laws forgot our anniversary AGAIN this year. I know that it should not bother me, but it does. It makes me really upset and I find it rude and uncaring. I am pissed that they have such a lack of respect for my family that they cannot acknowledge (on the actual date or before I post something about it online) the day that joined our families together. It truly hurts to the bottom of my core...it does not bother Jonathan, because he knows that these things are not what his parents ever remember, but it bothers me and I cannot just get past it. I am really trying, but this is the second year in a row and a call with a message left on the answering machine the next day is just not acceptable. My parents both call me separately on all big days throughout the year (birthdays, anniversaries and holidays). I am not sure if my mom reminds my dad, but the fact is they both take time out of their really busy schedules to recognize the important days.
I am finding it harder and harder to deal with the in-laws and I have to for my family, but I am NOT going to go out of my way for them at all anymore...not at all!
Jonathan and I are not getting along well at all. We do not agree on much of anything and I just don't know what to do. I think that we probably need to go and talk to someone again, but we can't seem to find any time...what else is new? I know that he blames me (though he won't state it out loud) about Micah and I can't say that I don't blame him. I know that there are things that he does that bother me and though I have spoken to him about it, he has not listened...for example, he will ask my opinion on something, I give my opinion, then he does what he wants anyway. That is fine if he has his mind set on what to do, but if you are going to do what you want to do, just do it and don't involve me...that is all.
There is another board that I read that has a parenting and family section. There is a thread about every other week or so about not vaccinating your kids and how if you vaccinate your kids you are putting them at risk!?!? Again...I find that absurd! I know that there are kids who have adverse reactions to them, and I am not speaking of those kids...I am also not talking about kids who space their shots,or CANNOT get their shots due to their health, but these parents who are not vaccinating their kids at all! It really infuriates me because I think of the poor babies that CANNOT get vaccines due to their HEALTH and all these crazy parents who are putting the innocent kids at risk. It really upsets me! There are kids (and adults for that matter) that have compromised immune systems that are not able to get their vaccines, and then you have the parents of kids who choose not to vaccinate, therefore giving their kid a high possibility of getting those diseases and then passing them on to the people who would like to be protected but are not able. THERE IS A REASON that the AAP makes guidelines...sure there are risks, but for goodness sake, there is a risk of being hit by a car this afternoon. Look at Micah...what the heck did he do to deserve this? NOTHING! There is nothing that I won't do to protect my kids, and I just don't get it...I have read all these "anti-vaccination" threads and I still CANNOT find a SINGLE reason to NOT get every damn shot when the doctor tells me to do so. I hope that I have not offended anyone, I am not saying that I think any less of you if you do not vaccinate your kids, but I so not understand why placing a risk of a deadly disease is better than risking the very small possibility of an adverse reaction.
I also don't get why when the pediatrician that one has been seeing tells one that they will no longer be your doctor if you choose to not vaccinate, upsets a person! That doctor has every right to not treat you if you are going to put kids in their office at risk (again those that are not healthy enough or too young for the vaccinations). I had never thought about the fact that I could have exposed my kids to a deadly disease in the pediatrician's waiting room because they were not old enough for a shot yet and someone else had that disease. I also really cannot find anything in what the anti-vaccination community has to say that makes any sense to me on that.
I think I am just in a really bad mood...most likely PMS :) That is another thing that stinks...I forgot how much I hated PMS...no wonder I was always pregnant and nursing...I get horribly sick for the 5 days I have my visitor and the week before is pure hell!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Special: Yes, Special Needs: Not Really
I cannot even believe something that was said to me this past weekend. I was discussing going back to work full time next year (simply a possibility, not reality yet) and someone (I will not use names) actually asked me if I could even think of doing that with Micah being "special". "Isn't there a special school for kids like him here in the city?" SERIOUSLY?!?! When did having a feeding tube and a CHD instantly make someone qualify for the special education stuff? Micah is very smart and thankfully we are not dealing with major developmental delays...so why in the hell would someone even suggest that bull shit...sorry for the language, but I am really angry.
Anyway...just because my baby is "special" and by that I mean not a boring, average kid with no issues...does not mean that I have to put my career and future life on hold to wait around and do nothing. I am struggling with the possibility of going back to work, but in all honesty, I am really hoping that I do get this job. I think that as crazy as this seems, it will help stabilize my life and not allow me to sit around all day and focus on the what ifs with Micah. Micah needs to be around other kids...he enjoys it, so it is almost unfair of me to want to keep him locked up in his little bubble that he is in. He will thrive even more. And as for the numerous doctors appointments that he will still need to go on...that is what is nice with working in a school...school lets out at 3 and I can take him to late afternoon appts. What is the world is the big deal?
So there! Yes, Micah is special but his special needs are not that significant that he cannot do EVERYTHING (outside of heavy duty sports) that Noah and Leah do every single day of their "Normal" lives.
Anyway...just because my baby is "special" and by that I mean not a boring, average kid with no issues...does not mean that I have to put my career and future life on hold to wait around and do nothing. I am struggling with the possibility of going back to work, but in all honesty, I am really hoping that I do get this job. I think that as crazy as this seems, it will help stabilize my life and not allow me to sit around all day and focus on the what ifs with Micah. Micah needs to be around other kids...he enjoys it, so it is almost unfair of me to want to keep him locked up in his little bubble that he is in. He will thrive even more. And as for the numerous doctors appointments that he will still need to go on...that is what is nice with working in a school...school lets out at 3 and I can take him to late afternoon appts. What is the world is the big deal?
So there! Yes, Micah is special but his special needs are not that significant that he cannot do EVERYTHING (outside of heavy duty sports) that Noah and Leah do every single day of their "Normal" lives.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Drowning
I feel like I am drowning right now. I am waiting for that calm that supposedly comes to you when you finally just accept what it is and let yourself fall...I found myself crying hysterically today (luckily the kids could not see it as Noah was asleep in the back seat of the car and Leah and Micah are too oblivious to it and sunglasses help)
Today I found my mind wandering where I do not like for it to go...I really had this overwhelming feeling that I will lose Micah way too early. I cannot even believe I am typing this up because I feel in my deepest heart that he is so strong and he will do great things in his life, but for those moments, I felt horrible. I think it is this huge uncertainty that just sets me over the edge...if someone would just say, "he will have a surgery in the next year to repair his heart and then we will need to go in and redo valves etc. every 5-10 years after that" I think I would be fine...but no, it is just his heart is failing and he has all these symptoms, but we just wait. I am totally alright with just waiting, as I do not want to hand my baby over to the surgeon yet, but I cannot stand this not knowing. I want to know right now that he is going to survive all this and be totally fine. I want him to be able to do everything that Noah and Leah do, but he cannot...he cannot even sit on my lap watching tv without sweating like crazy while getting tube fed...why does he have to suffer? Why can't it just be me?
I cannot imagine ever leaving my babies (no one can take care of them like me) but what kind of mother am I right now? I real crappy one. I am making an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday to get put back on antidepressants...I am sure this will help tremendously, but I am scared to death of those things since I still feel that they are the cause of Micah's heart...it is really hard to give in to the evil thing that created this. I know that there is a reason that Micah was given to me...but I am not really happy about it.
I sit here and say to myself that I am so happy to have Micah and that he helped this family become just that, family, but in so many ways I wonder if I should not have tempted fate and went for #3. And then, the nerve of me to even think to myself that I really do want a fourth baby. How dare I be so selfish? As I say goodbye to the baby years of Micah and stop nursing that sweet precious baby, I long to be pregnant again one day (not now, I so can't handle it now), but I want that. It is not fair for me to even consider it...I already have lost time with Noah and Leah and then what if that baby was born sick too? Micah requires so much time and energy...but will he always? I am not sure...maybe in a year he will miraculously pull out of heart failure and we will not deal with this chronic health crap, but maybe he won't. I just don't know...I am at such a loss.
Like I said, I really feel that I am struggling to hang on and not let myself go...but maybe it would just be better to give in to it all. Accept that it is okay not to know everything and not worry, but how does a mother not worry? Even when you have totally normal kids there are worries and fears, but they do not linger over you constantly as you watch your child struggle to breath or refuse to eat.
I love these kids more than life itself and I plan to stay around for a VERY long time...I can imagine my baby girl getting married...I see her in this beautiful dress with that gorgeous red hair pulled up and out of her face...I see Noah doing amazing things in his life...I do not know what yet, but I know that he will be an amazing person to his family and society in general...and then there is Micah...I can sit and see him doing so much, but then I pull back and wonder if he will still be here...will his heart be strong enough to let him get through college and get married? Will his heart hold out to be a father one day? He would be so amazing with children. Will he be the doctor that I keep saying he will be because he is so much like his big brother with so much brain power. I just want him to be free of any health concerns. Why is it that he takes 7 medicines a day (some 3 times a day) just to keep him somewhat normal? Why does he have seizures? Why will he not eat for me? Why, why, why? I guess I will never know this for sure. I do know that there is nothing that will make me leave these kids and there is nothing that I will not do for these kids...they are my entire universe. I love them so very much.
Okay...I think I am done being all sad and down for now...at least on the surface...sorry for being such a downer.
Today I found my mind wandering where I do not like for it to go...I really had this overwhelming feeling that I will lose Micah way too early. I cannot even believe I am typing this up because I feel in my deepest heart that he is so strong and he will do great things in his life, but for those moments, I felt horrible. I think it is this huge uncertainty that just sets me over the edge...if someone would just say, "he will have a surgery in the next year to repair his heart and then we will need to go in and redo valves etc. every 5-10 years after that" I think I would be fine...but no, it is just his heart is failing and he has all these symptoms, but we just wait. I am totally alright with just waiting, as I do not want to hand my baby over to the surgeon yet, but I cannot stand this not knowing. I want to know right now that he is going to survive all this and be totally fine. I want him to be able to do everything that Noah and Leah do, but he cannot...he cannot even sit on my lap watching tv without sweating like crazy while getting tube fed...why does he have to suffer? Why can't it just be me?
I cannot imagine ever leaving my babies (no one can take care of them like me) but what kind of mother am I right now? I real crappy one. I am making an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday to get put back on antidepressants...I am sure this will help tremendously, but I am scared to death of those things since I still feel that they are the cause of Micah's heart...it is really hard to give in to the evil thing that created this. I know that there is a reason that Micah was given to me...but I am not really happy about it.
I sit here and say to myself that I am so happy to have Micah and that he helped this family become just that, family, but in so many ways I wonder if I should not have tempted fate and went for #3. And then, the nerve of me to even think to myself that I really do want a fourth baby. How dare I be so selfish? As I say goodbye to the baby years of Micah and stop nursing that sweet precious baby, I long to be pregnant again one day (not now, I so can't handle it now), but I want that. It is not fair for me to even consider it...I already have lost time with Noah and Leah and then what if that baby was born sick too? Micah requires so much time and energy...but will he always? I am not sure...maybe in a year he will miraculously pull out of heart failure and we will not deal with this chronic health crap, but maybe he won't. I just don't know...I am at such a loss.
Like I said, I really feel that I am struggling to hang on and not let myself go...but maybe it would just be better to give in to it all. Accept that it is okay not to know everything and not worry, but how does a mother not worry? Even when you have totally normal kids there are worries and fears, but they do not linger over you constantly as you watch your child struggle to breath or refuse to eat.
I love these kids more than life itself and I plan to stay around for a VERY long time...I can imagine my baby girl getting married...I see her in this beautiful dress with that gorgeous red hair pulled up and out of her face...I see Noah doing amazing things in his life...I do not know what yet, but I know that he will be an amazing person to his family and society in general...and then there is Micah...I can sit and see him doing so much, but then I pull back and wonder if he will still be here...will his heart be strong enough to let him get through college and get married? Will his heart hold out to be a father one day? He would be so amazing with children. Will he be the doctor that I keep saying he will be because he is so much like his big brother with so much brain power. I just want him to be free of any health concerns. Why is it that he takes 7 medicines a day (some 3 times a day) just to keep him somewhat normal? Why does he have seizures? Why will he not eat for me? Why, why, why? I guess I will never know this for sure. I do know that there is nothing that will make me leave these kids and there is nothing that I will not do for these kids...they are my entire universe. I love them so very much.
Okay...I think I am done being all sad and down for now...at least on the surface...sorry for being such a downer.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Personality Test
Check this site out: http://memoriter.net/flash/test.html
Don't read my results until you have done it yourself, if you plan to...otherwise you will not be "totally honest" with your answers b/c you will know what to put.
Most of my answers were right on for me:
A) Priorities in my life:
1. Tiger--PRIDE
2. Horse--FAMILY
3. Sheep--LOVE
4. Cow--CAREER
5. Pig--MONEY
This is pretty telling about me...I figured that family would have gone first, and the funny thing is I actually went back and forth about these two answers while taking the test...so I would say we are looking at a 49%-51% split on these two answers.
B) Personalities:
1. Dog = My personality = LOVING---(this is exactly how I see myself)
2. Cat = My partners personality = INDEPENDENT (so Jonathan)
3. Rat = Personality of my enemies = DIRTY (AGREE)
4. Coffee = How I interpret sex :)--this one is funny = DELICIOUS (This just makes me giggle)
5. Sea = Implies my own life = TRANQUILITY (maybe this is where I am heading???
C) PEOPLE & COLORS
1. Yellow-Someone I'll never forget = JONATHAN
2. ORANGE-True friend = DADDY
3. RED-Someone I really love = JAIME (my sister)
4. WHITE-My twin soul = Megan (this one was crazy...maybe that is why I feel so close to you even though I have never met you!)
5. GREEN-Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life = MICAH (this one freaks me out a bit...why will I "remember" him? I know crazy and negative, but it makes me worry)
D) NUMBERS and DAY: 18 and Saturday...supposedly if I sent this to 18 people that my wish will be answered on Saturday...we will see!
Don't read my results until you have done it yourself, if you plan to...otherwise you will not be "totally honest" with your answers b/c you will know what to put.
Most of my answers were right on for me:
A) Priorities in my life:
1. Tiger--PRIDE
2. Horse--FAMILY
3. Sheep--LOVE
4. Cow--CAREER
5. Pig--MONEY
This is pretty telling about me...I figured that family would have gone first, and the funny thing is I actually went back and forth about these two answers while taking the test...so I would say we are looking at a 49%-51% split on these two answers.
B) Personalities:
1. Dog = My personality = LOVING---(this is exactly how I see myself)
2. Cat = My partners personality = INDEPENDENT (so Jonathan)
3. Rat = Personality of my enemies = DIRTY (AGREE)
4. Coffee = How I interpret sex :)--this one is funny = DELICIOUS (This just makes me giggle)
5. Sea = Implies my own life = TRANQUILITY (maybe this is where I am heading???
C) PEOPLE & COLORS
1. Yellow-Someone I'll never forget = JONATHAN
2. ORANGE-True friend = DADDY
3. RED-Someone I really love = JAIME (my sister)
4. WHITE-My twin soul = Megan (this one was crazy...maybe that is why I feel so close to you even though I have never met you!)
5. GREEN-Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life = MICAH (this one freaks me out a bit...why will I "remember" him? I know crazy and negative, but it makes me worry)
D) NUMBERS and DAY: 18 and Saturday...supposedly if I sent this to 18 people that my wish will be answered on Saturday...we will see!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Roller Coaster Life
Okay, I am trying so very hard to be positive and happy all the time with respect to Micah and his health...as a matter of fact, for a very short few days, my only concerns about his health had to do with whether he was going to pull that darn button out of his tummy.
But the craziness that is Micah's heart has started in again, and I feel almost betrayed by it. I have always been told that Micah's heart is in good shape, which I know in comparison to many other hearts, his is...but why does his heart go into heart failure so fast? Why do I still have to sit and watch how fast he is breathing, how sweaty he gets and how puffy his eyes look to me? I know that he will forever be a "heart baby" in my eyes, but why can't I just see it as something about him. I am not wanting his health to define him...he is such a special little boy...so curious, full of life, excited, energetic and smart...but all this health crap just keeps getting in his way.
I am very scared...but the problem is...I do not know what to be scared of. Like I said, I have always been told that this heart will last him his lifetime...but how long is his lifetime going to be? I know that is a question that none of us can answer, as there are buses out there that hit people, planes that crash and wars that kill millions of people...but I just want to know that my precious, sweet, charming little boy is going to beat his heart problems.
I guess that is the main thing going on right now...I feel like I truly am on a roller coaster since one minute I am fine and the next I am crawled up on the floor crying like a baby. I just want to be able to drift through life and enjoy every single minute that I am given with my three precious children, but all I seem to find myself being is mean, tired and sad. So, hopefully, now that I have gotten this out of my system, I can go and have a beautiful day.
But the craziness that is Micah's heart has started in again, and I feel almost betrayed by it. I have always been told that Micah's heart is in good shape, which I know in comparison to many other hearts, his is...but why does his heart go into heart failure so fast? Why do I still have to sit and watch how fast he is breathing, how sweaty he gets and how puffy his eyes look to me? I know that he will forever be a "heart baby" in my eyes, but why can't I just see it as something about him. I am not wanting his health to define him...he is such a special little boy...so curious, full of life, excited, energetic and smart...but all this health crap just keeps getting in his way.
I am very scared...but the problem is...I do not know what to be scared of. Like I said, I have always been told that this heart will last him his lifetime...but how long is his lifetime going to be? I know that is a question that none of us can answer, as there are buses out there that hit people, planes that crash and wars that kill millions of people...but I just want to know that my precious, sweet, charming little boy is going to beat his heart problems.
I guess that is the main thing going on right now...I feel like I truly am on a roller coaster since one minute I am fine and the next I am crawled up on the floor crying like a baby. I just want to be able to drift through life and enjoy every single minute that I am given with my three precious children, but all I seem to find myself being is mean, tired and sad. So, hopefully, now that I have gotten this out of my system, I can go and have a beautiful day.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The saga continues
If you have not read the first email from my sister, please do that first...then this one:
=========================================================
Ok, so maybe I didn't mean everything in the last email. Sending emails like that is how wars get started. I was upset and worried and did not follow Dad's cardinal rule, of waiting at least 24 hours. I am upset that I didn't know what was going on and it, well frankly, kinda pissed me off, as I love all three kids very much.
I was just disappointed and hurt that you didn't think enough of your me to let me know.
I also understand that this is not about me, but about the Micah so I need to let that go.
So that's all.
By the way, J--- went to opening day for the D-backs last night and went got some things for kids. I am sending the box, but J--- was the one who got the the gifts. He wanted to send them something.
That's all. Can you please keep me posted?
===================================================
So much drama....I am just too tired for this...I am getting too old.
=========================================================
Ok, so maybe I didn't mean everything in the last email. Sending emails like that is how wars get started. I was upset and worried and did not follow Dad's cardinal rule, of waiting at least 24 hours. I am upset that I didn't know what was going on and it, well frankly, kinda pissed me off, as I love all three kids very much.
I was just disappointed and hurt that you didn't think enough of your me to let me know.
I also understand that this is not about me, but about the Micah so I need to let that go.
So that's all.
By the way, J--- went to opening day for the D-backs last night and went got some things for kids. I am sending the box, but J--- was the one who got the the gifts. He wanted to send them something.
That's all. Can you please keep me posted?
===================================================
So much drama....I am just too tired for this...I am getting too old.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Sisterly love!
Is it any wonder that I do not have a closer relationship to my sister...here is the email that I get from her the day before my child goes into surgery....isn't this just wonderful!
Samantha,
This will be the last correspondence that I plan on having with you, unless it is in regards to our parents. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are a very cold and mean person. It is unacceptable that writing a blog on line is an acceptable form of communication with your sister. I don’t read your blog every time there is an update, as a normal kind, loving sister would call if there was a family health issue or concern.
I did not know that your son was having surgery tomorrow, as you didn’t care enough about your own sister to call and tell me. I have a hard time believing that you didn’t have time, as you obsessively write updates on your blog. Please don’t insult my intelligence with statements like you didn’t have time, because anyone who can write novels on line has time to call their sister. That is if they care about their sister, which is clear you do not.
I am no longer a part of your life or your children’s lives. I guess you got what you have always wanted Samantha…to get rid me. I hope you’re satisfied now. I would have thought that as a mother with three children you would appreciate having a sister, but apparently it only made you realize how much you hate having a sister.
You have hurt me for the last time; I have no more emotion or tears for you.
Samantha,
This will be the last correspondence that I plan on having with you, unless it is in regards to our parents. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are a very cold and mean person. It is unacceptable that writing a blog on line is an acceptable form of communication with your sister. I don’t read your blog every time there is an update, as a normal kind, loving sister would call if there was a family health issue or concern.
I did not know that your son was having surgery tomorrow, as you didn’t care enough about your own sister to call and tell me. I have a hard time believing that you didn’t have time, as you obsessively write updates on your blog. Please don’t insult my intelligence with statements like you didn’t have time, because anyone who can write novels on line has time to call their sister. That is if they care about their sister, which is clear you do not.
I am no longer a part of your life or your children’s lives. I guess you got what you have always wanted Samantha…to get rid me. I hope you’re satisfied now. I would have thought that as a mother with three children you would appreciate having a sister, but apparently it only made you realize how much you hate having a sister.
You have hurt me for the last time; I have no more emotion or tears for you.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Internet quizzes!
Okay...my friend Kellie got me going on these things...I must say that most of this stuff is true...hmmm...
What Your Little Black Dress Says About You |
 You are lively and outgoing. You are naturally friendly. You enjoy meeting new people and making new connections. Your style is whimsical and unique. You're good at putting together interesting outfits. If you were a shoe, you would be: High heeled boots |
You've Changed 44% in 10 Years |
 You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person. You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you. |
You Have Many Alpha Tendencies |
 You're not a total alpha female, but you certainly know how to - and like to - get your way. You're forceful without being intimidating. You're confident without being vain. A perfect mix. |
The Part of You That No One Sees |
 You are powerful, passionate, and dominant. You have a vision of how things should be, and you do your best to make things happen. People rely on you for your strength. You are a rock to many. Underneath it all, you aren't so sure about your passions. So many ideas spark your interest, it is hard for you to get behind a select few. However, you see indecision as a sign of weakness. So you pursue your goals full force - no matter how foolish they turn out to be. |
You Are a Boston Creme Donut |
 You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out. |
You Are 56% Lady |
 You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly. |
What Your Sleeping Position Says |
 You are calm and rational person with a good deal of balance in your life. Friends consider you to be kind, caring, and truly loyal. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games. Open to the world, you are not afraid to be yourself. If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Able to cope It's hard to sleep next to you because: You're a bed hog |
You Would Choose Love |
 Money may buy a little happiness, but not the happiness of true love. You rather have a true soulmate than a private jet. And while many people may claim they would choose love too... You're one of the few who would really do it. |
You Are a Rainbow |
 Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing |
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Let the worrying begin
Here I go again with my major worries and fears, and again, they are for good reasons, but there are others with so many more serious issues (like little Eli who is going to have open heart surgery really soon). I am so afraid of this whole g-button thing. I do not want Micah to have to go through anymore surgery, but here we are. I have the confidence in this being the right thing to do, especially since Micah has been about the same weight for the last year! That is just disgusting to me. I just looked back in his journal and at his 9 month appointment he was 17.5 lbs and in the 10th percentile...now he is 18.5 lbs and below the chart. So, I know that this is the right thing to do, I just need to explain that to my head and my heart...I don't want this. I am one big disaster...that is about all I can say.
Monday, March 10, 2008
I want out
I want out of this heart world. I am exhausted. I find myself saying how unfair this is and I don't even have as sick of a baby as so many others out there. I feel guilty that I am being this way...look at how lucky I am. I have three beautiful children...the sick one is still doing terrific in the eyes of his cardiologist, so why do I fear for his life every single day? Why do I wonder if he is going to be taken from me way too soon? I don't fear this with the older two...maybe I should? I don't know. I worry...I always have worried, but not like this. I think that as I am approaching the two year mark of living this life of constant worry, I am finding myself as a person I never expected to know. Why have I learned all this medical crap? I wanted to be a doctor a long, long time ago, but even as late as in high school, the most medical I ever wanted was psychiatry. As much as I admire and respect all the other heart families I have met...I wish I could turn back time and never have entered this world. Why did I take that damn medicine when I knew in my heart I was pregnant? I know, it is not rational that I did this to him, but what if I did? What if I have single handedly destroyed this beautiful, lovable, almost perfect little person who struggles every single day to gain weight and who has had to endure more procedures and surgeries than his own mother and father combined? I want to not be a heart mom anymore. I want to return to my life of not even knowing that there were pediatric cardiologists, pediatric GI docs, pulmonologists, urologists, genetics doctors and so many more in the world...to a day when I did not even know that there were such things as feeding tubes, nebulizers and RSV. I want to return to the life where I had never heard of three babies dying within one month of each other and finding myself crying over them, even though I had only met one in person. I want to return to my last pregnancy and be able to enjoy it instead of worry and cry constantly not knowing if he was going to be born alive, or if that beautiful boy would not be strong enough to fight. I look at him (and the other two wonders in my life) and I am so thankful...but do I have to be thankful for the heart defect? I really don't think I do have to be thankful for it. I also do not think that I am strong enough to pull myself through this. I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer see happiness...I see a scared woman who is always angry and sad. I want to be happy and I want to see all of my babies thrive and be successful. That was my every intention in this motherhood thing, and now, I do not know if I did them any justice.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Selfish?
Okay, I am going to be selfish yet again and complain just a bit. I am so tired of people expecting everything from me and then just "taking on" the good things that I have found and cherish.
I know that this does not make tons of sense, but there is a friend that I have that seems to want to take, take, take and can do nothing for herself...literally...a totally dependent person who cannot take a stand on anything. Anyway, I in no way "own" the friends that I have made online...and I have found all these people from others who are going through similar things...but when someone just "latches on" to people so fast, it is irritating to me.
Anyway, I know that this is all irrational, childlike and crazy, but I have just had enough! The people that I follow tend to have similar situations as I do (right heart issues, heart failure, failure to thrive/eat, etc)...there are a bunch that have totally different situations, but I enjoy their blogs and their kids anyway. I just don't feel like someone can sit and give all this "insight" to someone when they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. It is all scary and everything, but until you have walked the path for more than 2 weeks, don't pretend to be an expert. I know that facing any kind of heart problems are scary and emotional, but when your child is the picture of health outside of seeing the cardiologist every 6 months, on no medicine, eating and perfectly healthy in every single other way...you just don't get it.
People who have lived a small portion of this hell and their child was lucky enough to be considered "fixed"...I have no problem with either...especially when they say, "I don't understand what such and such is like, but I am here for you". That is not what I am talking about.
The person I am speaking about does not read this, so if you are reading, you are not this person. I am sorry, I just keep holding on to this and needed to release it even further. One of you have listened to me rant about this many times on the phone, but I just can't seem to get it out enough...it is such a toxic thing for me...as are a few other things that I will be writing about soon as well.
Thanks for letting me vent...please, if I have offended you, I have not meant to...this is truly about one person who I am really struggling with emotionally right now, and like I said, this person is not reading this.
I know that this does not make tons of sense, but there is a friend that I have that seems to want to take, take, take and can do nothing for herself...literally...a totally dependent person who cannot take a stand on anything. Anyway, I in no way "own" the friends that I have made online...and I have found all these people from others who are going through similar things...but when someone just "latches on" to people so fast, it is irritating to me.
Anyway, I know that this is all irrational, childlike and crazy, but I have just had enough! The people that I follow tend to have similar situations as I do (right heart issues, heart failure, failure to thrive/eat, etc)...there are a bunch that have totally different situations, but I enjoy their blogs and their kids anyway. I just don't feel like someone can sit and give all this "insight" to someone when they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. It is all scary and everything, but until you have walked the path for more than 2 weeks, don't pretend to be an expert. I know that facing any kind of heart problems are scary and emotional, but when your child is the picture of health outside of seeing the cardiologist every 6 months, on no medicine, eating and perfectly healthy in every single other way...you just don't get it.
People who have lived a small portion of this hell and their child was lucky enough to be considered "fixed"...I have no problem with either...especially when they say, "I don't understand what such and such is like, but I am here for you". That is not what I am talking about.
The person I am speaking about does not read this, so if you are reading, you are not this person. I am sorry, I just keep holding on to this and needed to release it even further. One of you have listened to me rant about this many times on the phone, but I just can't seem to get it out enough...it is such a toxic thing for me...as are a few other things that I will be writing about soon as well.
Thanks for letting me vent...please, if I have offended you, I have not meant to...this is truly about one person who I am really struggling with emotionally right now, and like I said, this person is not reading this.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Absurd!
Okay...I never talk politics, because most of my friends are Republican...and I AM NOT! But, I just got this email from someone in my neighborhood and it disturbs me! I am so confused...and it appears that when I go to vote in the next few days, my vote will only count for 75% since I cannot go to the caucus, or I guess I can, but I will have to talk my husband into watching the kids! UG!
***********************************************************************************
First, if you are new to Texas or if you never noticed before that the Texas Democratic party has a hybrid election for primaries.
Each "early" or "day of" vote in the democratic primary only counts for 75% of a vote. To complete your full ability to support your candidate you must return to the polling location at 7:15 PM to vote in the caucus.
Republicans, on the other hand, follow the traditional primary system, in which the delegate allocations directly reflect the choice made by voters. After the primary closes, again at about 7:15, the republicans will have a precinct convention. This meeting is to elect local officers and reps to the district convention. This is also the meeting in which you can submit items to be voted on locally for submission to the district level. These items if approved at the state level, go in to the state platform.
Precinct conventions
Democrats: 7:15 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans: 7:30 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans will choose the people they send to the next step, which is the March 29 Senatorial district conventions.
Precinct Convention
The precinct convention is the first step in the Party process.
A precinct convention is held on the night of the primary election at each polling place after the polls close. If it is not held at the polling place, notice of where the convention will be held must be posted at the polling place.
Anyone voting in the Primary in that precinct may attend and will be considered a delegate to the precinct convention. If you want to attend your precinct convention, make sure the election clerk stamps your voter registration card with the Party name when you vote. If you do not have your voter registration card at the time, ask for a Certificate of Party Affiliation showing that you voted in the Party's primary. This will make it easier to get into the precinct convention.
The convention generally begins at 7:15 or 7:30 p.m., and is usually called to order by the precinct chairman. If the precinct chairman is absent, any delegate may open the meeting. There is no minimum number of people who must be present to hold the precinct convention. If you are the only person present, ask the election judge for the precinct convention packet, and hold the convention by yourself. The packet will have instructions, and the required paperwork that must be turned in to the local Republican Party headquarters by the date set forth in the packet to be valid.
Delegates to the precinct convention first elect permanent convention officers, usually a convention chairman and secretary. They then elect delegates and alternates to their county or state senatorial district convention. Finally, they consider and vote on any resolutions offered by the delegates.
Here is a link for a Sample Script for Precinct Conventions.
http://www.texasgop.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5742
Each precinct is allocated an equal number of delegates and alternates to the county or senatorial district convention. The number is based on the number of votes the precinct cast for the governor in the last gubernatorial election, taking into account any applicable boundary changes.
Democratic Party Caucus information here:
1. Texas has 193 pledged delegates, as well as 35 unpledged delegates
2. The Statewide Primary vote, by itself, determines no delegates and is merely a "beauty contest," except insofar as it translates into delegates elected in State Senate Districts, or through caucuses (in order to participate in caucuses, one must also have voted in the primary). It is very much possible that whoever wins the sum of the Senatorial District Primaries will not win the majority of Texas' delegates.
3. 126 pledged delegates will be allocated proportionally in 31 separate primary elections conducted in each of Texas' State Senate Districts.
4. 67 pledged delegates will be allocated through Texas' caucus system, the first round of which will be held in precincts across Texas at 7:15 PM on March 4th. 42 of these will be rank and file "at large" delegates, and will ultimately come from ordinary people who participate at their precinct caucuses, while 25 will be party leaders and elected officials (PLEOs).
So in order to support your candidate of choice in the democratic primary as much as possible you must vote in both the primary and caucus. In my humble opinion, this system essentially helps keep the party elite in power.
Detailed process
As a result, Democrats who show up at the polls election night for precinct conventions will be choosing which delegates move forward to senatorial conventions.
But they'll also be choosing which presidential candidate those delegates will be voting for, based on turnout in support for each candidate.
When people first show up, they'll sign in, listing their name and presidential preference.
If a precinct has 10 delegates and 50 people show up -- with 30 for Clinton and 20 for Barack Obama -- then six delegates for Clinton and four for Obama will move on to the senatorial convention. Even if the popular vote for that precient has 99% for Bill Richardson. (If you are for either Mrs. C or Mr. O the numbers are just for illusstration)
Texas' delegate process differs for Republicans and Democrats.
Democrats:
Total: Texas will send 228 delegates to this year's Democratic National Convention.
Breakdown: 126 of those delegates will vote for candidates based on election results, representing the state's 31 senatorial districts.
Special delegates: 35 will be superdelegates, mostly elected or high-ranking officials, who are all unpledged and may back whichever candidate they choose.
Caucus: The remaining 67 delegates will be chosen through the caucus system. Forty-two will be rank-and-file, at-large Democrats, and 25 will be leaders and elected officials.
Republicans:
Total: Texas will send 140 delegates to this year's Republican National Convention.
Breakdown: 96 will vote for candidates based on election results, three for each of the state's 32 congressional districts. The person who gets more than half the vote in a congressional district gets all three delegates voting for him. If no one gets 50 percent, then the person with more than 20 percent gets all the candidates.
Special delegates: 41 at-large delegates who will be chosen by the overall state results. Three "unbound" delegates can choose whichever candidate they want.
Sources: Lone Star Project report, House Research Organization, Texas Democratic Party, Republican Party of Texas, Fort Worth Star Telegram
************************************************************************************
Anyone else confused?????????????? I sure am! I guess I will just take my 75% and go vote...have not decided which one I am going with yet though...Hillary or Obama...a quiz I took online said for me to go with Obama...but I am just not sure!!! UG! I still have some time.
For all my republican friends...we just will continue to NOT talk politics.
***********************************************************************************
First, if you are new to Texas or if you never noticed before that the Texas Democratic party has a hybrid election for primaries.
Each "early" or "day of" vote in the democratic primary only counts for 75% of a vote. To complete your full ability to support your candidate you must return to the polling location at 7:15 PM to vote in the caucus.
Republicans, on the other hand, follow the traditional primary system, in which the delegate allocations directly reflect the choice made by voters. After the primary closes, again at about 7:15, the republicans will have a precinct convention. This meeting is to elect local officers and reps to the district convention. This is also the meeting in which you can submit items to be voted on locally for submission to the district level. These items if approved at the state level, go in to the state platform.
Precinct conventions
Democrats: 7:15 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans: 7:30 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans will choose the people they send to the next step, which is the March 29 Senatorial district conventions.
Precinct Convention
The precinct convention is the first step in the Party process.
A precinct convention is held on the night of the primary election at each polling place after the polls close. If it is not held at the polling place, notice of where the convention will be held must be posted at the polling place.
Anyone voting in the Primary in that precinct may attend and will be considered a delegate to the precinct convention. If you want to attend your precinct convention, make sure the election clerk stamps your voter registration card with the Party name when you vote. If you do not have your voter registration card at the time, ask for a Certificate of Party Affiliation showing that you voted in the Party's primary. This will make it easier to get into the precinct convention.
The convention generally begins at 7:15 or 7:30 p.m., and is usually called to order by the precinct chairman. If the precinct chairman is absent, any delegate may open the meeting. There is no minimum number of people who must be present to hold the precinct convention. If you are the only person present, ask the election judge for the precinct convention packet, and hold the convention by yourself. The packet will have instructions, and the required paperwork that must be turned in to the local Republican Party headquarters by the date set forth in the packet to be valid.
Delegates to the precinct convention first elect permanent convention officers, usually a convention chairman and secretary. They then elect delegates and alternates to their county or state senatorial district convention. Finally, they consider and vote on any resolutions offered by the delegates.
Here is a link for a Sample Script for Precinct Conventions.
http://www.texasgop.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5742
Each precinct is allocated an equal number of delegates and alternates to the county or senatorial district convention. The number is based on the number of votes the precinct cast for the governor in the last gubernatorial election, taking into account any applicable boundary changes.
Democratic Party Caucus information here:
1. Texas has 193 pledged delegates, as well as 35 unpledged delegates
2. The Statewide Primary vote, by itself, determines no delegates and is merely a "beauty contest," except insofar as it translates into delegates elected in State Senate Districts, or through caucuses (in order to participate in caucuses, one must also have voted in the primary). It is very much possible that whoever wins the sum of the Senatorial District Primaries will not win the majority of Texas' delegates.
3. 126 pledged delegates will be allocated proportionally in 31 separate primary elections conducted in each of Texas' State Senate Districts.
4. 67 pledged delegates will be allocated through Texas' caucus system, the first round of which will be held in precincts across Texas at 7:15 PM on March 4th. 42 of these will be rank and file "at large" delegates, and will ultimately come from ordinary people who participate at their precinct caucuses, while 25 will be party leaders and elected officials (PLEOs).
So in order to support your candidate of choice in the democratic primary as much as possible you must vote in both the primary and caucus. In my humble opinion, this system essentially helps keep the party elite in power.
Detailed process
As a result, Democrats who show up at the polls election night for precinct conventions will be choosing which delegates move forward to senatorial conventions.
But they'll also be choosing which presidential candidate those delegates will be voting for, based on turnout in support for each candidate.
When people first show up, they'll sign in, listing their name and presidential preference.
If a precinct has 10 delegates and 50 people show up -- with 30 for Clinton and 20 for Barack Obama -- then six delegates for Clinton and four for Obama will move on to the senatorial convention. Even if the popular vote for that precient has 99% for Bill Richardson. (If you are for either Mrs. C or Mr. O the numbers are just for illusstration)
Texas' delegate process differs for Republicans and Democrats.
Democrats:
Total: Texas will send 228 delegates to this year's Democratic National Convention.
Breakdown: 126 of those delegates will vote for candidates based on election results, representing the state's 31 senatorial districts.
Special delegates: 35 will be superdelegates, mostly elected or high-ranking officials, who are all unpledged and may back whichever candidate they choose.
Caucus: The remaining 67 delegates will be chosen through the caucus system. Forty-two will be rank-and-file, at-large Democrats, and 25 will be leaders and elected officials.
Republicans:
Total: Texas will send 140 delegates to this year's Republican National Convention.
Breakdown: 96 will vote for candidates based on election results, three for each of the state's 32 congressional districts. The person who gets more than half the vote in a congressional district gets all three delegates voting for him. If no one gets 50 percent, then the person with more than 20 percent gets all the candidates.
Special delegates: 41 at-large delegates who will be chosen by the overall state results. Three "unbound" delegates can choose whichever candidate they want.
Sources: Lone Star Project report, House Research Organization, Texas Democratic Party, Republican Party of Texas, Fort Worth Star Telegram
************************************************************************************
Anyone else confused?????????????? I sure am! I guess I will just take my 75% and go vote...have not decided which one I am going with yet though...Hillary or Obama...a quiz I took online said for me to go with Obama...but I am just not sure!!! UG! I still have some time.
For all my republican friends...we just will continue to NOT talk politics.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Only so much
There is only so much I can do. I have decided that I cannot do anymore in my life. I have been dealing for almost two years with this loss of control that is Micah's heart/life. I have always had serious control issues and now they are coming out even more so due to all the stress. I have always over-committed myself with the hope that I would could be this incredibly strong person (which I am not) and I do this in order to attempt to gain some control back in my life.
I want to be able to help other families (support them), but I cannot do it all. I cannot be the person who is the "go to" all the time when there are problems. I do not have it in me to take care of anyone else. I can only take care of my family and myself.
I am so thankful for this family that I feel a part of in the CHD world. These friends that I have never met offer such real support and friendship and seem to understand what I am going through. These women who most I have never met, are the ones who are pulling me through all my stuff...it's those that are "close" to me that I am struggling with.
I simply want to be allowed to feel my feelings and take care of all the things in my own world without having to be the "mother" to those that are grown adults, though I know and understand that they have their issues as well. I know that they are here to help, but I feel that I "owe it to them" to return favors, and I cannot. I am tearing at the seams and I cannot seem to stop it. I feel myself separating from others and I think that I have to in order for my survival. I know that this sounds bizarre, but for just a little bit, I have to "be free".
I would like to stop and say thank you though to those of you who are here for me and who let me be myself and not expect more from me than I can offer. Thank you for letting me empty my brain and get it out...that is not a luxury that I have been allowing myself for many years now.
I want to be able to help other families (support them), but I cannot do it all. I cannot be the person who is the "go to" all the time when there are problems. I do not have it in me to take care of anyone else. I can only take care of my family and myself.
I am so thankful for this family that I feel a part of in the CHD world. These friends that I have never met offer such real support and friendship and seem to understand what I am going through. These women who most I have never met, are the ones who are pulling me through all my stuff...it's those that are "close" to me that I am struggling with.
I simply want to be allowed to feel my feelings and take care of all the things in my own world without having to be the "mother" to those that are grown adults, though I know and understand that they have their issues as well. I know that they are here to help, but I feel that I "owe it to them" to return favors, and I cannot. I am tearing at the seams and I cannot seem to stop it. I feel myself separating from others and I think that I have to in order for my survival. I know that this sounds bizarre, but for just a little bit, I have to "be free".
I would like to stop and say thank you though to those of you who are here for me and who let me be myself and not expect more from me than I can offer. Thank you for letting me empty my brain and get it out...that is not a luxury that I have been allowing myself for many years now.
Monday, February 11, 2008
To work or not to work...
Okay, I am sitting here with such incredibly mixed emotions on so many levels, I just do not even know where to start, so I guess I will start with the dilemma of becoming a working mom once again.
I knew when Noah was born that there was no doubt I was going back to work (Jonathan really wanted me to, plus I thought that was what I wanted...I was wrong). Anyway, I went back to work when Noah was about 13 weeks old and I missed him terribly, but I think that having him in daycare was so great for him. Looking back, I realize how much further along he got with being in a school and not staying home with me. When I got pregnant with Leah, I drew up all these plans on how we could afford for me to stay home, what I would do with the kids all day, menus blah, blah, blah. Well, she came and it was SO NOT what I had planned. I could not get anything together and still to this day feel overwhelmed and unable to have some sense of peace and tranquility in the everyday things. Things only intensified when I became pregnant with Micah and was so terribly sick for the first trimester and then finding out at 23 weeks he had a broken heart certainly did not help.
I guess where I am going with this is that I think I was able to hold everything together better when I was working...but of course, I can only compare that to having one child to care for and the fact that he was not/is not a high maintenance child (healthy). Micah keeps me so incredibly busy with doctors, therapies and worries, that I do not even know if I could ethically start a job because of knowing that I would have to miss so much work...and it has to be me who misses work because Jonathan is the one who has to have his job...he makes the big bucks and carries the awesome insurance policy that has NO LIFETIME MAX!
Seeing that I am in school, I feel that desire to get back to work. I love going to my internship and helping others. I have wanted to be a therapist since I was 14 or 15 years old...this is all I have ever wanted to do. The thing that is just killing me is the fact that I already have the masters needed to do this, but now I need the school counseling part as well. I just feel like I am wasting time in the whole education world (my education), but I only have these 3 semesters left, so I cannot stop. I want to be able to drop Micah off and go to work, but I don't. I just do not know what I want and need. I do know that I do not want to send him to a daycare. I think I have found someone who can watch him on Wednesday's for me while I go to school and who will watch the kids on Saturday's when Jon is out of town, but I am so scared. No one knows him as well as I do.
So, that is my dilemma...to work or not to work. I have been presented with an opportunity to apply for a school counselor position next fall, but Jonathan and I do not think that Micah is ready to go to a preschool full time by any means. I do not even think he can do part time, but he will have to for me to at least do a part time internship at a school. So here I will sit and live in this world of "I just do not know"
I knew when Noah was born that there was no doubt I was going back to work (Jonathan really wanted me to, plus I thought that was what I wanted...I was wrong). Anyway, I went back to work when Noah was about 13 weeks old and I missed him terribly, but I think that having him in daycare was so great for him. Looking back, I realize how much further along he got with being in a school and not staying home with me. When I got pregnant with Leah, I drew up all these plans on how we could afford for me to stay home, what I would do with the kids all day, menus blah, blah, blah. Well, she came and it was SO NOT what I had planned. I could not get anything together and still to this day feel overwhelmed and unable to have some sense of peace and tranquility in the everyday things. Things only intensified when I became pregnant with Micah and was so terribly sick for the first trimester and then finding out at 23 weeks he had a broken heart certainly did not help.
I guess where I am going with this is that I think I was able to hold everything together better when I was working...but of course, I can only compare that to having one child to care for and the fact that he was not/is not a high maintenance child (healthy). Micah keeps me so incredibly busy with doctors, therapies and worries, that I do not even know if I could ethically start a job because of knowing that I would have to miss so much work...and it has to be me who misses work because Jonathan is the one who has to have his job...he makes the big bucks and carries the awesome insurance policy that has NO LIFETIME MAX!
Seeing that I am in school, I feel that desire to get back to work. I love going to my internship and helping others. I have wanted to be a therapist since I was 14 or 15 years old...this is all I have ever wanted to do. The thing that is just killing me is the fact that I already have the masters needed to do this, but now I need the school counseling part as well. I just feel like I am wasting time in the whole education world (my education), but I only have these 3 semesters left, so I cannot stop. I want to be able to drop Micah off and go to work, but I don't. I just do not know what I want and need. I do know that I do not want to send him to a daycare. I think I have found someone who can watch him on Wednesday's for me while I go to school and who will watch the kids on Saturday's when Jon is out of town, but I am so scared. No one knows him as well as I do.
So, that is my dilemma...to work or not to work. I have been presented with an opportunity to apply for a school counselor position next fall, but Jonathan and I do not think that Micah is ready to go to a preschool full time by any means. I do not even think he can do part time, but he will have to for me to at least do a part time internship at a school. So here I will sit and live in this world of "I just do not know"
Sunday, January 20, 2008
What is it with people?
I am just wondering what has happened to people over time...why is is suddenly okay to have affairs and no one question about it??? I ask this because a family member of mine was married for many years and over those years we know for a fact that he was having at least one affair...now, he is divorced and no one seemed disappointed in the fact that he was unfaithful, but me. Anyway, now he is cheating or looking to cheat on the lady he was unfaithful with, and yet again, no one seems to find this upsetting, except me. I get the "she should have known, leopards don't change their spots" but seriously, how is it that this is okay? I am so disappointed and it makes it very difficult for me to be around people who do not respect the commitments that are involved in a relationship. The way I see it, why can't you just get out of the relationship if you are so unhappy that you must seek another to "fulfill" what you are looking for?
Now, going along with my inability to understand people...why do people have so little respect for the health of my baby when I have specifically explained what cannot happen around him? Two of my family members who live out of town came in this weekend...they both smoke...I told them before coming down that they will not be able to smoke anywhere near Micah due to his health...as a matter of fact, they could not smell like smoke when they got around him. So, I go to pick up my uncle at the airport on Friday, and guess where I find him? Outside SMOKING!!! He still had not gotten his suitcase and then he went back in to get it, and sure enough, he SMOKED ANOTHER CIGARETTE before getting into my car! Now, I am not a confrontational person, so I blew it off, but my windows did get rolled down until the smell subsided...I had to have major heat blowing on Micah in the back because I did not want him to get even sicker! I had no problem at Disney last December telling someone he could not smoke in the area we were in, but family is another story, I don't want to cause turmoil. Anyway, later that night, we were out for dinner and sure enough, they could not wait to get outside to smoke AGAIN! Guess where? Right at the front door, so when we opened the door to leave, my family got to inhale massive amounts of smoke. I am so disappointed. It is hard to be really upset with my grandma, since she is 80 years old, but I really think my uncle could try to understand and respect the health of my baby a bit more.
Anyway, that is it. I just don't understand the fact that some people are so incredibly self absorbed!
Now, going along with my inability to understand people...why do people have so little respect for the health of my baby when I have specifically explained what cannot happen around him? Two of my family members who live out of town came in this weekend...they both smoke...I told them before coming down that they will not be able to smoke anywhere near Micah due to his health...as a matter of fact, they could not smell like smoke when they got around him. So, I go to pick up my uncle at the airport on Friday, and guess where I find him? Outside SMOKING!!! He still had not gotten his suitcase and then he went back in to get it, and sure enough, he SMOKED ANOTHER CIGARETTE before getting into my car! Now, I am not a confrontational person, so I blew it off, but my windows did get rolled down until the smell subsided...I had to have major heat blowing on Micah in the back because I did not want him to get even sicker! I had no problem at Disney last December telling someone he could not smoke in the area we were in, but family is another story, I don't want to cause turmoil. Anyway, later that night, we were out for dinner and sure enough, they could not wait to get outside to smoke AGAIN! Guess where? Right at the front door, so when we opened the door to leave, my family got to inhale massive amounts of smoke. I am so disappointed. It is hard to be really upset with my grandma, since she is 80 years old, but I really think my uncle could try to understand and respect the health of my baby a bit more.
Anyway, that is it. I just don't understand the fact that some people are so incredibly self absorbed!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Long time, no posting
Well, I am finding myself more and more stressed out over the last week since I returned home from vacation. This vacation actually was enjoyable and though I got upset with the kids for silly things (like ruining things in the hotel) it was generally a really good trip. Then we got home. I have been so darn tired and I just do not know how to get myself together. I have not been able to get anything done and I just feel so run down. I am sure that Micah's stomach bug did not help me any, but Jonathan is on my last nerve. He is a really great guy who works really hard for our family, but sometimes I feel that he just puts his job way before the family and it is so upsetting to me. I get that he needs his job for a variety of reasons: health insurance, our house, our vacations, food etc. but it seems to me that sometimes he just does not understand that I need a little more too. He leaves to go out of the country often, leaving me with three kids alone and when he is in town, he just does not get why I might need some alone time. The thing that just ticked me off today was when he came downstairs to talk to me about what day of the week would be best for me for him to leave, I tell him, and he totally disregards what I say and does the opposite. That is fine if he wants to make the decision on what day to leave, but don't bother asking me what is best for me if it makes not one bit of difference.
Anyway, sorry to be so angry, but I do feel better now that I have written it down.
Happy New Year and here is to me posting mostly positive this year :)
Anyway, sorry to be so angry, but I do feel better now that I have written it down.
Happy New Year and here is to me posting mostly positive this year :)
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