Monday, March 10, 2008
I want out
I want out of this heart world. I am exhausted. I find myself saying how unfair this is and I don't even have as sick of a baby as so many others out there. I feel guilty that I am being this way...look at how lucky I am. I have three beautiful children...the sick one is still doing terrific in the eyes of his cardiologist, so why do I fear for his life every single day? Why do I wonder if he is going to be taken from me way too soon? I don't fear this with the older two...maybe I should? I don't know. I worry...I always have worried, but not like this. I think that as I am approaching the two year mark of living this life of constant worry, I am finding myself as a person I never expected to know. Why have I learned all this medical crap? I wanted to be a doctor a long, long time ago, but even as late as in high school, the most medical I ever wanted was psychiatry. As much as I admire and respect all the other heart families I have met...I wish I could turn back time and never have entered this world. Why did I take that damn medicine when I knew in my heart I was pregnant? I know, it is not rational that I did this to him, but what if I did? What if I have single handedly destroyed this beautiful, lovable, almost perfect little person who struggles every single day to gain weight and who has had to endure more procedures and surgeries than his own mother and father combined? I want to not be a heart mom anymore. I want to return to my life of not even knowing that there were pediatric cardiologists, pediatric GI docs, pulmonologists, urologists, genetics doctors and so many more in the world...to a day when I did not even know that there were such things as feeding tubes, nebulizers and RSV. I want to return to the life where I had never heard of three babies dying within one month of each other and finding myself crying over them, even though I had only met one in person. I want to return to my last pregnancy and be able to enjoy it instead of worry and cry constantly not knowing if he was going to be born alive, or if that beautiful boy would not be strong enough to fight. I look at him (and the other two wonders in my life) and I am so thankful...but do I have to be thankful for the heart defect? I really don't think I do have to be thankful for it. I also do not think that I am strong enough to pull myself through this. I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer see happiness...I see a scared woman who is always angry and sad. I want to be happy and I want to see all of my babies thrive and be successful. That was my every intention in this motherhood thing, and now, I do not know if I did them any justice.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I'm walking out the door so don't have alot of time to write but I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. I know this heart world sucks and I'm always worried about her heart. I start thinking about the future and I cry because I don't know how long I'll have Arianna. Your human and these are natural feelings. From someone who has had the failure to thrive thing...its really really tough. We have been blessed to have Arianna start eating and I'm still in awe when I watch her eat. We came SO close to a tube and we are not out of the woods yet. There is this group on www.parent-2-parent.com and you might find them helful.
I feel really bad because I don't know the exact situation going on with Micah's heart. I don't have the time right now to read through the entire CB page. Is there anyway you could sum it up for me so I can better understand what your going thorough.
Take Care!
OXOXOX
Heart Mom Blues have hit full on full strength! On one hand you are so happy and grateful that you have made it this far, the other hand, so sad and heart broken that you have to deal with this circus you know as every day life. The third hand (we are moms we do have at least 3) there is guilt for everything, every bloody thing from what they have to endure, you have to endure, seeing other kids at their appointments, hearing from other moms about their kids and from what other families have had to endure at losing their children. I love you and I am here if you need me. Latte anyone?
By the way, you can't get out, I WONT LET YOU!
This is my first visit to your blog and it may be a bit inappropriate to jump in on such an emotional post, but please know that all of us understand exactly how you feel. My son's heart has technically been repaired, twice, but it will never be the same as if his heart hadn't been broken to begin with. I used to resent the term "Congenital heart Disease" and always used defect instead, but I am now understanding the "disease" part - it is never, ever "over".
I wonder if the day will ever come when I stop checking Gabe's finger nail beds or the insides of his eyelids when he coughs - just to make sure they aren't blue or if I will be able to take him to the doctor without my heart in my throat. And that is "without further surgery anticipated"...we are no longer in crisis mode here and he is doing well...so far.
Living in a world without guarantees is incredible difficult and heartwrenching. Of course, there are NEVER guarantees, but we know it. That's the difference.
I miss who I used to be too.
Post a Comment