Just moving along

I have found myself full of emptiness lately. It is such a strange feeling since I do feel so much love for the kids, but it is this overriding feeling of nothing inside of me. It has gotten to the point where I no longer even get that angry about the things that once upset me (I do still get angry, just not as much). Anyway, it is time that I get put on medicine for this. I have finally made the appointment with the psychiatrist for next Wednesday and I will cave into this enemy of mine, the antidepressant. They are such amazing medicines that help turn lives around, however, I still feel in my core that these medicines are what turned Micah's life struggles into a reality. I continue to hold that guilt, yet I fully understand and comprehend how incredibly IRRATIONAL it is...but I do...I feel that I did this to him and I think that perhaps I have been refusing to get on medicine for so long almost as a way to punish myself even further. I know that the medicines will make me feel better...they have always been able to in the past, but do I truly deserve to feel better? Look at my sweet boy who cannot run around for more than 5 minutes without panting and gasping for breath...it hardly seems fair that I will be able to take a pill with a little water and then poof, all is great in my world...he can't do that...ever...he will always have to struggle. I know that I should not be feeling this, thinking this or even writing it, but I cannot help it. I feel alone, empty and sad...not much else. It is cutting me into small little pieces. I cannot keep up with the house, the kids, our "normal" family activities, and it bothers me.

I know that things can be so much worse in our lives, but I just feel plain rotten...I am so grateful for all the great things that we have in our life, but I still feel such a loss...another big one for me is how badly I want another baby. I know that I cannot handle it right now, too much going on, but I want another one so badly. I cannot part with any of the baby things because I do not want to. I am still young, but what if we had another baby who was sick? I do not think I could handle it...but what if he/she was not? Is it fair to have another baby and then stop having as much time for Micah? Is it fair to the three I have to have another one and have that baby have a heart defect as well? I just don't know...I don't know what to do with these thoughts. My mom who was so against me having anymore kids even mentioned that I am still young and may want to have another one down the road...but if Jonathan does not, then I really can't...I just don't know.

I guess that is where I am, in the land of not knowing...that seems to be where my life has been for over 2 years now. I know that no one can look into the future and tell me anything of how it will be, but some kind of idea of what might happen would be great. I once went to see a psychic...it was when I was dating Jonathan, and I cannot help but think about how so much of what she has said is true. I don't know, maybe I should see another one (I say this half laughing, but half meaning it). I am too afraid of what she could possibly tell me though about Micah. I know, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, but again, true.

I am going to stop typing now, since I sound like a total whack job...crazy loon I am :)