Superstitions????

Okay, here is one of my many quirks...I am very superstitious about things (black cats, broken mirrors, the number 13, ladders etc...). I also have this bizarreness about me that lets me know things sooner than expected (I know when someone is pregnant often before they do--or when they are not yet telling, I can often sense when something is not right with a close friend etc.), but included in this is my seemingly perfect ability to predict when something bad is going to happen with someone in my family.

Now, people may find me to be absolutely crazy, but here it goes. My grandpa Bootzie (Bernard) passed away 13 years ago (September 15). I was very close to him and Noah was named after him...I could not give Noah his first name because I did not want Noah's initials to be BM--sorry...so Noah's Hebrew name is Baruch, which was my grandpa's Hebrew name...Noah's middle name is Aaron, where I took the A from my grandpa's middle name, Albert.

Grandpa's death was very hard on me, but I found a great sense of peace everytime I saw a cardinal (the bird) because my grandpa was a HUGE St. Louis Cardinal fan. From what my family tells me he was suppose to be the catcher for the team back in his day, but called away to war instead. So, since his death, if I was down in the dumps or depressed or discouraged, it seemed that a cardinal would show up to let me know that all would be okay. This has always been a reassuring thing to me.

Well, interestingly enough, right before I found out about Micah, cardinals started showing up all over the place. This was great for me because I knew my grandpa was sharing his strength with me. Now, the problem with this is now when I see a cardinal, I am a bit on edge. I know, I know...CRAZY...but....everytime that I have seen a cardinal since Micah's diagnosis in utero, within about 2 weeks we hear something bad about his health.

So, here it goes, I have seen two cardinals on separate occasions since Monday morning, so I am here worried about what might be coming. Don't worry, it is not consuming my life, I simply wonder about what is going to happen a little each day. I know that I cannot change or predict the future, and I also know that I cannot live in constant fear, so I don't, I just have a heightened sense of awareness. I think that this helps me be slightly more prepared when I am told of something. I will continue to hope that these two birds/Grandpa were simply telling me hello from above this week, but....who knows.

Micah Online

Hi Everyone...a couple weeks ago a member of a support group that I belong to was looking for CHD stories to publish on her nonprofit's website, so I volunteered Micah's story. Please click on this link, http://www.kidswithheart.org/ and you will find Micah's story, it starts with a little blurb at the beginning and then there is a link to click on to get his whole story. This is one of the nonprofits that fund CHD stuff...plus they have really cool items for purchase! You can make a donation in his honor as well.
Hugs,
Samantha
P.S. I am posting this everywhere...so you will find it on all my sites!
Here's a picture of the little guy, getting in trouble of course! As a side...he has broken the kids Apple keyboard and the DVD player in a matter of just two days...I think we need to find a way to control this one!

Not much going on here...

except for the fact that I am now sick! Noah got me. Oh well. He is too darn cute, he burst into tears this morning when I said I was not feeling well and he ran and gave me a huge hug saying "I am so sorry I got you sick Mommy". Well, that broke my heart, but at the same time, it was one of the sweetest things ever to be said. He is such a special little boy! I actually do not think he got me sick, as my throat does not hurt-I am more bothered with my ear/congestion and my tummy. It is not easy being a mommy when you are sick, that is for sure!

On another note, I am finding myself incredibly torn about Micah's heart cath last week. I think back to the doctor walking up to us and I remember my heart just pounding...then she said he was looking pretty good. My first reaction was disbelief, then relief, but the more I think back on it, the more I find myself torn. I am THRILLED that he does not need surgery right now, but at the same time, I am upset because the poor baby will simply just nurse and his little head is soaked from sweating. He can be playing with Noah and Leah for just a few minutes and be breathing like he just ran a marathon! It does not slow him down at all--thankfully, but it breaks my heart. I want him to be able to do normal things, I want him to be able to play soccer, football or anything that he wants to, but that is not going to happen.

I am so thankful that he is as healthy as he is, but I am sad for him that I will have to set more limits with him on certain things, and I can tell that his personality will not like that one bit. I am so happy that I have this little guy in my life and I only wish that I could be more like him. I do not obsess as much about it anymore like I use to...I don't let his heart consume me, but there are moments everyday that I look at him and I wish with everything in me that I could have made him just as healthy as I made Noah & Leah. We are so lucky with his outcomes in comparison to so many others, and I respect that, but at the same time, he is my baby and he is not thriving in the manner that I had wished for. I sometimes wonder if I somehow upset G-d when I was pregnant with Micah because I would tell everyone, I don't care what the baby is, just as long as it is healthy, but then I continued on to say...but it would be great to have a boy so that Leah was the only girl and it would be easier for her being the middle child. I know that I will never know what caused his heart problems (still that whole Zoloft guilt in me), but I think it is a question that may torment me for a long time to come.

Anyway, I have to go off to Costco now to stock up on a bunch of food and paper supplies--it has been almost 2 months since my last visit there! Jonathan hates it when I go there because he does not understand the point of buying in bulk!

Jonathan

I do not seem to give enough credit to Jonathan's feelings about my precious kiddos. He has always been one of those men, you know the kind, never showing his emotions. I have only seen him cry three times in our time together (one fight we had, Noah's birth, and when Micah was being diagnosed with his heart defect.) I think because of this, I dismiss his feelings about all this. I think that I get angry with him for not being more concerned, when in reality, he just expresses himself differently than I do.

We got a copy of the letter that the cardiologist sends to the pediatrician today, and from it, we gathered that she is very concerned about the actual tricuspid valve and feels that there may be something wrong with it as well. Since reading that, Jonathan has been rather sad looking and just hugs on Micah. It may have more to do with the fact that he is jet lagged and tired from his 12 day business trip to Europe, but he is sad. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. It is sad for me to look at what I imagine to be this pillar of strength (that normally upsets me that he does not get rattled at all) looking so defeated.

Starbucks no more...

I am sad to say that I have had to give up my morning guilty pleasure. There will be no more Venti Non-fat Hazelnut Lattes for me. I cannot believe that $4.11 was not enough for Starbucks, they had to raise it by another $0.09. So now I am ever so grateful to my wonderful husband who had been preparing me for this transition when he bought me my very own espresso/coffee/frothing machine. This one really works and I must say, I have gotten pretty good at making my own lattes--although they are the vanilla variety because I cannot find hazelnut coffee syrup in a large size. So, until a crisis of no time to prepare my own latte in the morning arises, good bye Starbucks.

Tough

Here I am trying to be tough, and I am finding it more and more difficult. I think that the constant stress and worry is starting to really catch up to me and I am finding myself more and more irritable and sad. I screamed at Noah and Leah last night just because I was so tired from the entire day being spent in the doctor's offices and my inability to settle myself down. I feel horrible especially since I heard Leah crying in a dream, and I have to wonder if it was because of my mood.

I think that I am feeling very alone right now. Jonathan is in Europe again and I have had to deal with Micah's health alone. There have been a few friends that have helped me through, some that I have never even met, but it seems that some that I thought were the closest to me are really not there at all. I respect that everyone has their own lives and their own things, but those that I am talking about have time for me to lean on them, are close family or friends, and I have been there for them even when I was not in a place to really be there for them, but I was. I am also so tired of certain people, who shall remain unmentioned, that say "can I help"--but have absolutely no intention to help at all, they just want the appearance of helping.

What is helpful is when my mom just brings dinner over for us because she knows that I have no energy to cook dinner or when my mom just says, come over here so that the kids can play and you can have a break. That is helpful, not just empty thoughts of doing something. Jonathan has often discussed moving to a better climate state, but I cannot leave my mom. As much as the woman drives me crazy, she is the one who is my rock, she is the one who I can always count on. She comes to the ER with me in the middle of the night, or calls me 85 times during the day to make sure I am still okay. I cannot leave her, she is the only family support I have. There are a few other moms here in town that are so wonderful as well, but they all have their own families and issues that stem from their kids, but they call or email me daily to check on us. That is surely appreciated. Many of you who keep up with me and my family have given me so much support. Just a simple note saying that you are thinking of us has helped me so much...I just can't believe that some of my own family cannot do that for us.

I know that this sounds whiny, and I realize as I read through this particular site that this is where I write my pessimistic/sad/irritated thoughts. I apologize for that, but I have found that it really helps to empty those thoughts and I feel so much better when all is said and done. I try to keep much more optimistic and happy on the other two sites, so if this is too depressing, please keep up with us on the caringbridge site and the family pictures site. I really am not normally so sad sounding, although anyone who has met me over the last 16 months would not believe that!

I just hope to get out of this rut really soon, it has been really tough on me to have the chronic ups and downs over the last 16 months. I just want my family to be healthy and I want to feel like I am not carrying the world on my shoulders. I just feel that I cannot do anything anymore. I have not been able to write thank you notes for Micah's birthday gifts yet or even get the piles of papers off the kitchen counters, I guess I am doing the best I can right now, but it is not enough for me.

Rollercoaster

Caution: this is a long, rambling post.

The last week has proven itself to be a bit of a roller coaster for me. One minute I am laughing and smiling and the next I am crying hysterically. My poor family does not know what I am going to do next. All of the "excitement" is from the huge milestone that Micah hit this week with turning one year old and has been compounded by Micah getting sick and finding out that his heart is having some more troubles.

Everything about Micah has been an adventure in my life...I knew I was pregnant with him before the blood tests could even prove it, as demonstrated by the fact that the doctors concluded and convinced me that I must just be depressed again and started me on an antidepressant, which I still credit for his heart defect. I found out a few weeks later that indeed I was pregnant (stopped the medication) and much further along than originally thought-that darn blood test missed the pregnancy by only a day or so! Then at our 19 week sonogram to find out what baby #3 would be, we discover that the heart is not showing a nice picture....oh well, next month we are "lucky" enough to get another sonogram--23 weeks, surprise--heart defect! That sent me over the edge I am sure, but from March 29, 2006 all the way up to today, I have feared for Micah's health daily. Every little thing with him I worry about. I worry a lot anyway, but the problem seems to be that when I start to worry about him, there is something wrong, i.e. congestive heart failure two times, seizures and ear infections all the time.

I have never in my life been a religious person-sure, I celebrated the major holidays, mostly only looking forward to Chanuka for the presents and I know a bit about Judaism, but I am not religious. I instantly found great relief in believing that G-d would protect my baby when we heard the words that he had a heart defect. I find myself thanking G-d daily for giving me these beautiful children, that sometimes I do not feel I deserve. I often do not know how I can be the best mother to them, but I do know that I am the best mother that I can possibly be to them. I know that my heart aches when they are hurt, sick or away from them. I love to watch them grow and achieve and it makes me so proud to watch them learn something new or do something they have never done before. These children are something else!

Anyway, Saturday we celebrated Micah's first birthday, thankfully not his actual birthday because I am sure my guests would be very confused about my constant crying that day and I continue to cry as we approach the one-year anniversary of Micah's surgery tomorrow. I pulled out the old photo album of Micah's first days and I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for many different reasons however, the main reason is the fact that I have my amazing little miracle here with me to love, hold and cherish. I look at his beautiful face everyday and I thank G-d all over again for allowing me to hold him and care for him. Micah has proven from his very beginnings to be one who is going to follow his own path, and most of his family has been right along beside him the entire way. That is a whole other thing that gets me, family who detach themselves selfishly so that they do not get hurt in the process, therefore alienating those of us who believe so strongly that Micah can and will survive all the obstacles in his life. It has proved to be ever so difficult for me to forgive these people in our life, and I hope that one day I am able to do so, but right now, I cannot find the strength to allow that kind of pessimism around my family. This is not an easy task to accomplish, but I will continue to teach my kids that all three of them are survivors and that no matter what is put forth as an obstacle, we will make it.

I worry so much about his heart, his seizures and his general health, but I love that I get to worry about him everyday. I love that I have him here to love. I am forever grateful to the surgeon and his team who saved my child from the inevitable consequence of not correcting his defect. I am also forever grateful to our amazing pediatrician who has saved Micah's life at least twice already as well due to his persistence and for pushing for what Micah needed. I have never been a person who has been able to trust, this is an unfortunate thing for someone who has to learn to trust someone to save their child's life. I know now that a person must let go of some of the control every now and then in order to save their child's life. I had to trust G-d, the doctor's and nurses to heal my baby, I could not. All I could do was pray that the trust I had in G-d and the doctor's would be enough.

So, I feel that Micah, Leah & Noah have helped me become a better person today. I am still learning so very much and I hope that what I do as a mother helps them become even stronger than they already are. Most of all, I pray that these kids continue to grow up and become whoever they want to become in life.