Is it any wonder that I do not have a closer relationship to my sister...here is the email that I get from her the day before my child goes into surgery....isn't this just wonderful!
Samantha,
This will be the last correspondence that I plan on having with you, unless it is in regards to our parents. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are a very cold and mean person. It is unacceptable that writing a blog on line is an acceptable form of communication with your sister. I don’t read your blog every time there is an update, as a normal kind, loving sister would call if there was a family health issue or concern.
I did not know that your son was having surgery tomorrow, as you didn’t care enough about your own sister to call and tell me. I have a hard time believing that you didn’t have time, as you obsessively write updates on your blog. Please don’t insult my intelligence with statements like you didn’t have time, because anyone who can write novels on line has time to call their sister. That is if they care about their sister, which is clear you do not.
I am no longer a part of your life or your children’s lives. I guess you got what you have always wanted Samantha…to get rid me. I hope you’re satisfied now. I would have thought that as a mother with three children you would appreciate having a sister, but apparently it only made you realize how much you hate having a sister.
You have hurt me for the last time; I have no more emotion or tears for you.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Internet quizzes!
Okay...my friend Kellie got me going on these things...I must say that most of this stuff is true...hmmm...
What Your Little Black Dress Says About You |
 You are lively and outgoing. You are naturally friendly. You enjoy meeting new people and making new connections. Your style is whimsical and unique. You're good at putting together interesting outfits. If you were a shoe, you would be: High heeled boots |
You've Changed 44% in 10 Years |
 You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person. You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you. |
You Have Many Alpha Tendencies |
 You're not a total alpha female, but you certainly know how to - and like to - get your way. You're forceful without being intimidating. You're confident without being vain. A perfect mix. |
The Part of You That No One Sees |
 You are powerful, passionate, and dominant. You have a vision of how things should be, and you do your best to make things happen. People rely on you for your strength. You are a rock to many. Underneath it all, you aren't so sure about your passions. So many ideas spark your interest, it is hard for you to get behind a select few. However, you see indecision as a sign of weakness. So you pursue your goals full force - no matter how foolish they turn out to be. |
You Are a Boston Creme Donut |
 You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out. |
You Are 56% Lady |
 You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly. |
What Your Sleeping Position Says |
 You are calm and rational person with a good deal of balance in your life. Friends consider you to be kind, caring, and truly loyal. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games. Open to the world, you are not afraid to be yourself. If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Able to cope It's hard to sleep next to you because: You're a bed hog |
You Would Choose Love |
 Money may buy a little happiness, but not the happiness of true love. You rather have a true soulmate than a private jet. And while many people may claim they would choose love too... You're one of the few who would really do it. |
You Are a Rainbow |
 Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing |
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Let the worrying begin
Here I go again with my major worries and fears, and again, they are for good reasons, but there are others with so many more serious issues (like little Eli who is going to have open heart surgery really soon). I am so afraid of this whole g-button thing. I do not want Micah to have to go through anymore surgery, but here we are. I have the confidence in this being the right thing to do, especially since Micah has been about the same weight for the last year! That is just disgusting to me. I just looked back in his journal and at his 9 month appointment he was 17.5 lbs and in the 10th percentile...now he is 18.5 lbs and below the chart. So, I know that this is the right thing to do, I just need to explain that to my head and my heart...I don't want this. I am one big disaster...that is about all I can say.
Monday, March 10, 2008
I want out
I want out of this heart world. I am exhausted. I find myself saying how unfair this is and I don't even have as sick of a baby as so many others out there. I feel guilty that I am being this way...look at how lucky I am. I have three beautiful children...the sick one is still doing terrific in the eyes of his cardiologist, so why do I fear for his life every single day? Why do I wonder if he is going to be taken from me way too soon? I don't fear this with the older two...maybe I should? I don't know. I worry...I always have worried, but not like this. I think that as I am approaching the two year mark of living this life of constant worry, I am finding myself as a person I never expected to know. Why have I learned all this medical crap? I wanted to be a doctor a long, long time ago, but even as late as in high school, the most medical I ever wanted was psychiatry. As much as I admire and respect all the other heart families I have met...I wish I could turn back time and never have entered this world. Why did I take that damn medicine when I knew in my heart I was pregnant? I know, it is not rational that I did this to him, but what if I did? What if I have single handedly destroyed this beautiful, lovable, almost perfect little person who struggles every single day to gain weight and who has had to endure more procedures and surgeries than his own mother and father combined? I want to not be a heart mom anymore. I want to return to my life of not even knowing that there were pediatric cardiologists, pediatric GI docs, pulmonologists, urologists, genetics doctors and so many more in the world...to a day when I did not even know that there were such things as feeding tubes, nebulizers and RSV. I want to return to the life where I had never heard of three babies dying within one month of each other and finding myself crying over them, even though I had only met one in person. I want to return to my last pregnancy and be able to enjoy it instead of worry and cry constantly not knowing if he was going to be born alive, or if that beautiful boy would not be strong enough to fight. I look at him (and the other two wonders in my life) and I am so thankful...but do I have to be thankful for the heart defect? I really don't think I do have to be thankful for it. I also do not think that I am strong enough to pull myself through this. I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer see happiness...I see a scared woman who is always angry and sad. I want to be happy and I want to see all of my babies thrive and be successful. That was my every intention in this motherhood thing, and now, I do not know if I did them any justice.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Selfish?
Okay, I am going to be selfish yet again and complain just a bit. I am so tired of people expecting everything from me and then just "taking on" the good things that I have found and cherish.
I know that this does not make tons of sense, but there is a friend that I have that seems to want to take, take, take and can do nothing for herself...literally...a totally dependent person who cannot take a stand on anything. Anyway, I in no way "own" the friends that I have made online...and I have found all these people from others who are going through similar things...but when someone just "latches on" to people so fast, it is irritating to me.
Anyway, I know that this is all irrational, childlike and crazy, but I have just had enough! The people that I follow tend to have similar situations as I do (right heart issues, heart failure, failure to thrive/eat, etc)...there are a bunch that have totally different situations, but I enjoy their blogs and their kids anyway. I just don't feel like someone can sit and give all this "insight" to someone when they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. It is all scary and everything, but until you have walked the path for more than 2 weeks, don't pretend to be an expert. I know that facing any kind of heart problems are scary and emotional, but when your child is the picture of health outside of seeing the cardiologist every 6 months, on no medicine, eating and perfectly healthy in every single other way...you just don't get it.
People who have lived a small portion of this hell and their child was lucky enough to be considered "fixed"...I have no problem with either...especially when they say, "I don't understand what such and such is like, but I am here for you". That is not what I am talking about.
The person I am speaking about does not read this, so if you are reading, you are not this person. I am sorry, I just keep holding on to this and needed to release it even further. One of you have listened to me rant about this many times on the phone, but I just can't seem to get it out enough...it is such a toxic thing for me...as are a few other things that I will be writing about soon as well.
Thanks for letting me vent...please, if I have offended you, I have not meant to...this is truly about one person who I am really struggling with emotionally right now, and like I said, this person is not reading this.
I know that this does not make tons of sense, but there is a friend that I have that seems to want to take, take, take and can do nothing for herself...literally...a totally dependent person who cannot take a stand on anything. Anyway, I in no way "own" the friends that I have made online...and I have found all these people from others who are going through similar things...but when someone just "latches on" to people so fast, it is irritating to me.
Anyway, I know that this is all irrational, childlike and crazy, but I have just had enough! The people that I follow tend to have similar situations as I do (right heart issues, heart failure, failure to thrive/eat, etc)...there are a bunch that have totally different situations, but I enjoy their blogs and their kids anyway. I just don't feel like someone can sit and give all this "insight" to someone when they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. It is all scary and everything, but until you have walked the path for more than 2 weeks, don't pretend to be an expert. I know that facing any kind of heart problems are scary and emotional, but when your child is the picture of health outside of seeing the cardiologist every 6 months, on no medicine, eating and perfectly healthy in every single other way...you just don't get it.
People who have lived a small portion of this hell and their child was lucky enough to be considered "fixed"...I have no problem with either...especially when they say, "I don't understand what such and such is like, but I am here for you". That is not what I am talking about.
The person I am speaking about does not read this, so if you are reading, you are not this person. I am sorry, I just keep holding on to this and needed to release it even further. One of you have listened to me rant about this many times on the phone, but I just can't seem to get it out enough...it is such a toxic thing for me...as are a few other things that I will be writing about soon as well.
Thanks for letting me vent...please, if I have offended you, I have not meant to...this is truly about one person who I am really struggling with emotionally right now, and like I said, this person is not reading this.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Absurd!
Okay...I never talk politics, because most of my friends are Republican...and I AM NOT! But, I just got this email from someone in my neighborhood and it disturbs me! I am so confused...and it appears that when I go to vote in the next few days, my vote will only count for 75% since I cannot go to the caucus, or I guess I can, but I will have to talk my husband into watching the kids! UG!
***********************************************************************************
First, if you are new to Texas or if you never noticed before that the Texas Democratic party has a hybrid election for primaries.
Each "early" or "day of" vote in the democratic primary only counts for 75% of a vote. To complete your full ability to support your candidate you must return to the polling location at 7:15 PM to vote in the caucus.
Republicans, on the other hand, follow the traditional primary system, in which the delegate allocations directly reflect the choice made by voters. After the primary closes, again at about 7:15, the republicans will have a precinct convention. This meeting is to elect local officers and reps to the district convention. This is also the meeting in which you can submit items to be voted on locally for submission to the district level. These items if approved at the state level, go in to the state platform.
Precinct conventions
Democrats: 7:15 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans: 7:30 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans will choose the people they send to the next step, which is the March 29 Senatorial district conventions.
Precinct Convention
The precinct convention is the first step in the Party process.
A precinct convention is held on the night of the primary election at each polling place after the polls close. If it is not held at the polling place, notice of where the convention will be held must be posted at the polling place.
Anyone voting in the Primary in that precinct may attend and will be considered a delegate to the precinct convention. If you want to attend your precinct convention, make sure the election clerk stamps your voter registration card with the Party name when you vote. If you do not have your voter registration card at the time, ask for a Certificate of Party Affiliation showing that you voted in the Party's primary. This will make it easier to get into the precinct convention.
The convention generally begins at 7:15 or 7:30 p.m., and is usually called to order by the precinct chairman. If the precinct chairman is absent, any delegate may open the meeting. There is no minimum number of people who must be present to hold the precinct convention. If you are the only person present, ask the election judge for the precinct convention packet, and hold the convention by yourself. The packet will have instructions, and the required paperwork that must be turned in to the local Republican Party headquarters by the date set forth in the packet to be valid.
Delegates to the precinct convention first elect permanent convention officers, usually a convention chairman and secretary. They then elect delegates and alternates to their county or state senatorial district convention. Finally, they consider and vote on any resolutions offered by the delegates.
Here is a link for a Sample Script for Precinct Conventions.
http://www.texasgop.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5742
Each precinct is allocated an equal number of delegates and alternates to the county or senatorial district convention. The number is based on the number of votes the precinct cast for the governor in the last gubernatorial election, taking into account any applicable boundary changes.
Democratic Party Caucus information here:
1. Texas has 193 pledged delegates, as well as 35 unpledged delegates
2. The Statewide Primary vote, by itself, determines no delegates and is merely a "beauty contest," except insofar as it translates into delegates elected in State Senate Districts, or through caucuses (in order to participate in caucuses, one must also have voted in the primary). It is very much possible that whoever wins the sum of the Senatorial District Primaries will not win the majority of Texas' delegates.
3. 126 pledged delegates will be allocated proportionally in 31 separate primary elections conducted in each of Texas' State Senate Districts.
4. 67 pledged delegates will be allocated through Texas' caucus system, the first round of which will be held in precincts across Texas at 7:15 PM on March 4th. 42 of these will be rank and file "at large" delegates, and will ultimately come from ordinary people who participate at their precinct caucuses, while 25 will be party leaders and elected officials (PLEOs).
So in order to support your candidate of choice in the democratic primary as much as possible you must vote in both the primary and caucus. In my humble opinion, this system essentially helps keep the party elite in power.
Detailed process
As a result, Democrats who show up at the polls election night for precinct conventions will be choosing which delegates move forward to senatorial conventions.
But they'll also be choosing which presidential candidate those delegates will be voting for, based on turnout in support for each candidate.
When people first show up, they'll sign in, listing their name and presidential preference.
If a precinct has 10 delegates and 50 people show up -- with 30 for Clinton and 20 for Barack Obama -- then six delegates for Clinton and four for Obama will move on to the senatorial convention. Even if the popular vote for that precient has 99% for Bill Richardson. (If you are for either Mrs. C or Mr. O the numbers are just for illusstration)
Texas' delegate process differs for Republicans and Democrats.
Democrats:
Total: Texas will send 228 delegates to this year's Democratic National Convention.
Breakdown: 126 of those delegates will vote for candidates based on election results, representing the state's 31 senatorial districts.
Special delegates: 35 will be superdelegates, mostly elected or high-ranking officials, who are all unpledged and may back whichever candidate they choose.
Caucus: The remaining 67 delegates will be chosen through the caucus system. Forty-two will be rank-and-file, at-large Democrats, and 25 will be leaders and elected officials.
Republicans:
Total: Texas will send 140 delegates to this year's Republican National Convention.
Breakdown: 96 will vote for candidates based on election results, three for each of the state's 32 congressional districts. The person who gets more than half the vote in a congressional district gets all three delegates voting for him. If no one gets 50 percent, then the person with more than 20 percent gets all the candidates.
Special delegates: 41 at-large delegates who will be chosen by the overall state results. Three "unbound" delegates can choose whichever candidate they want.
Sources: Lone Star Project report, House Research Organization, Texas Democratic Party, Republican Party of Texas, Fort Worth Star Telegram
************************************************************************************
Anyone else confused?????????????? I sure am! I guess I will just take my 75% and go vote...have not decided which one I am going with yet though...Hillary or Obama...a quiz I took online said for me to go with Obama...but I am just not sure!!! UG! I still have some time.
For all my republican friends...we just will continue to NOT talk politics.
***********************************************************************************
First, if you are new to Texas or if you never noticed before that the Texas Democratic party has a hybrid election for primaries.
Each "early" or "day of" vote in the democratic primary only counts for 75% of a vote. To complete your full ability to support your candidate you must return to the polling location at 7:15 PM to vote in the caucus.
Republicans, on the other hand, follow the traditional primary system, in which the delegate allocations directly reflect the choice made by voters. After the primary closes, again at about 7:15, the republicans will have a precinct convention. This meeting is to elect local officers and reps to the district convention. This is also the meeting in which you can submit items to be voted on locally for submission to the district level. These items if approved at the state level, go in to the state platform.
Precinct conventions
Democrats: 7:15 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans: 7:30 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans will choose the people they send to the next step, which is the March 29 Senatorial district conventions.
Precinct Convention
The precinct convention is the first step in the Party process.
A precinct convention is held on the night of the primary election at each polling place after the polls close. If it is not held at the polling place, notice of where the convention will be held must be posted at the polling place.
Anyone voting in the Primary in that precinct may attend and will be considered a delegate to the precinct convention. If you want to attend your precinct convention, make sure the election clerk stamps your voter registration card with the Party name when you vote. If you do not have your voter registration card at the time, ask for a Certificate of Party Affiliation showing that you voted in the Party's primary. This will make it easier to get into the precinct convention.
The convention generally begins at 7:15 or 7:30 p.m., and is usually called to order by the precinct chairman. If the precinct chairman is absent, any delegate may open the meeting. There is no minimum number of people who must be present to hold the precinct convention. If you are the only person present, ask the election judge for the precinct convention packet, and hold the convention by yourself. The packet will have instructions, and the required paperwork that must be turned in to the local Republican Party headquarters by the date set forth in the packet to be valid.
Delegates to the precinct convention first elect permanent convention officers, usually a convention chairman and secretary. They then elect delegates and alternates to their county or state senatorial district convention. Finally, they consider and vote on any resolutions offered by the delegates.
Here is a link for a Sample Script for Precinct Conventions.
http://www.texasgop.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5742
Each precinct is allocated an equal number of delegates and alternates to the county or senatorial district convention. The number is based on the number of votes the precinct cast for the governor in the last gubernatorial election, taking into account any applicable boundary changes.
Democratic Party Caucus information here:
1. Texas has 193 pledged delegates, as well as 35 unpledged delegates
2. The Statewide Primary vote, by itself, determines no delegates and is merely a "beauty contest," except insofar as it translates into delegates elected in State Senate Districts, or through caucuses (in order to participate in caucuses, one must also have voted in the primary). It is very much possible that whoever wins the sum of the Senatorial District Primaries will not win the majority of Texas' delegates.
3. 126 pledged delegates will be allocated proportionally in 31 separate primary elections conducted in each of Texas' State Senate Districts.
4. 67 pledged delegates will be allocated through Texas' caucus system, the first round of which will be held in precincts across Texas at 7:15 PM on March 4th. 42 of these will be rank and file "at large" delegates, and will ultimately come from ordinary people who participate at their precinct caucuses, while 25 will be party leaders and elected officials (PLEOs).
So in order to support your candidate of choice in the democratic primary as much as possible you must vote in both the primary and caucus. In my humble opinion, this system essentially helps keep the party elite in power.
Detailed process
As a result, Democrats who show up at the polls election night for precinct conventions will be choosing which delegates move forward to senatorial conventions.
But they'll also be choosing which presidential candidate those delegates will be voting for, based on turnout in support for each candidate.
When people first show up, they'll sign in, listing their name and presidential preference.
If a precinct has 10 delegates and 50 people show up -- with 30 for Clinton and 20 for Barack Obama -- then six delegates for Clinton and four for Obama will move on to the senatorial convention. Even if the popular vote for that precient has 99% for Bill Richardson. (If you are for either Mrs. C or Mr. O the numbers are just for illusstration)
Texas' delegate process differs for Republicans and Democrats.
Democrats:
Total: Texas will send 228 delegates to this year's Democratic National Convention.
Breakdown: 126 of those delegates will vote for candidates based on election results, representing the state's 31 senatorial districts.
Special delegates: 35 will be superdelegates, mostly elected or high-ranking officials, who are all unpledged and may back whichever candidate they choose.
Caucus: The remaining 67 delegates will be chosen through the caucus system. Forty-two will be rank-and-file, at-large Democrats, and 25 will be leaders and elected officials.
Republicans:
Total: Texas will send 140 delegates to this year's Republican National Convention.
Breakdown: 96 will vote for candidates based on election results, three for each of the state's 32 congressional districts. The person who gets more than half the vote in a congressional district gets all three delegates voting for him. If no one gets 50 percent, then the person with more than 20 percent gets all the candidates.
Special delegates: 41 at-large delegates who will be chosen by the overall state results. Three "unbound" delegates can choose whichever candidate they want.
Sources: Lone Star Project report, House Research Organization, Texas Democratic Party, Republican Party of Texas, Fort Worth Star Telegram
************************************************************************************
Anyone else confused?????????????? I sure am! I guess I will just take my 75% and go vote...have not decided which one I am going with yet though...Hillary or Obama...a quiz I took online said for me to go with Obama...but I am just not sure!!! UG! I still have some time.
For all my republican friends...we just will continue to NOT talk politics.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Only so much
There is only so much I can do. I have decided that I cannot do anymore in my life. I have been dealing for almost two years with this loss of control that is Micah's heart/life. I have always had serious control issues and now they are coming out even more so due to all the stress. I have always over-committed myself with the hope that I would could be this incredibly strong person (which I am not) and I do this in order to attempt to gain some control back in my life.
I want to be able to help other families (support them), but I cannot do it all. I cannot be the person who is the "go to" all the time when there are problems. I do not have it in me to take care of anyone else. I can only take care of my family and myself.
I am so thankful for this family that I feel a part of in the CHD world. These friends that I have never met offer such real support and friendship and seem to understand what I am going through. These women who most I have never met, are the ones who are pulling me through all my stuff...it's those that are "close" to me that I am struggling with.
I simply want to be allowed to feel my feelings and take care of all the things in my own world without having to be the "mother" to those that are grown adults, though I know and understand that they have their issues as well. I know that they are here to help, but I feel that I "owe it to them" to return favors, and I cannot. I am tearing at the seams and I cannot seem to stop it. I feel myself separating from others and I think that I have to in order for my survival. I know that this sounds bizarre, but for just a little bit, I have to "be free".
I would like to stop and say thank you though to those of you who are here for me and who let me be myself and not expect more from me than I can offer. Thank you for letting me empty my brain and get it out...that is not a luxury that I have been allowing myself for many years now.
I want to be able to help other families (support them), but I cannot do it all. I cannot be the person who is the "go to" all the time when there are problems. I do not have it in me to take care of anyone else. I can only take care of my family and myself.
I am so thankful for this family that I feel a part of in the CHD world. These friends that I have never met offer such real support and friendship and seem to understand what I am going through. These women who most I have never met, are the ones who are pulling me through all my stuff...it's those that are "close" to me that I am struggling with.
I simply want to be allowed to feel my feelings and take care of all the things in my own world without having to be the "mother" to those that are grown adults, though I know and understand that they have their issues as well. I know that they are here to help, but I feel that I "owe it to them" to return favors, and I cannot. I am tearing at the seams and I cannot seem to stop it. I feel myself separating from others and I think that I have to in order for my survival. I know that this sounds bizarre, but for just a little bit, I have to "be free".
I would like to stop and say thank you though to those of you who are here for me and who let me be myself and not expect more from me than I can offer. Thank you for letting me empty my brain and get it out...that is not a luxury that I have been allowing myself for many years now.
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