Rollercoaster

Caution: this is a long, rambling post.

The last week has proven itself to be a bit of a roller coaster for me. One minute I am laughing and smiling and the next I am crying hysterically. My poor family does not know what I am going to do next. All of the "excitement" is from the huge milestone that Micah hit this week with turning one year old and has been compounded by Micah getting sick and finding out that his heart is having some more troubles.

Everything about Micah has been an adventure in my life...I knew I was pregnant with him before the blood tests could even prove it, as demonstrated by the fact that the doctors concluded and convinced me that I must just be depressed again and started me on an antidepressant, which I still credit for his heart defect. I found out a few weeks later that indeed I was pregnant (stopped the medication) and much further along than originally thought-that darn blood test missed the pregnancy by only a day or so! Then at our 19 week sonogram to find out what baby #3 would be, we discover that the heart is not showing a nice picture....oh well, next month we are "lucky" enough to get another sonogram--23 weeks, surprise--heart defect! That sent me over the edge I am sure, but from March 29, 2006 all the way up to today, I have feared for Micah's health daily. Every little thing with him I worry about. I worry a lot anyway, but the problem seems to be that when I start to worry about him, there is something wrong, i.e. congestive heart failure two times, seizures and ear infections all the time.

I have never in my life been a religious person-sure, I celebrated the major holidays, mostly only looking forward to Chanuka for the presents and I know a bit about Judaism, but I am not religious. I instantly found great relief in believing that G-d would protect my baby when we heard the words that he had a heart defect. I find myself thanking G-d daily for giving me these beautiful children, that sometimes I do not feel I deserve. I often do not know how I can be the best mother to them, but I do know that I am the best mother that I can possibly be to them. I know that my heart aches when they are hurt, sick or away from them. I love to watch them grow and achieve and it makes me so proud to watch them learn something new or do something they have never done before. These children are something else!

Anyway, Saturday we celebrated Micah's first birthday, thankfully not his actual birthday because I am sure my guests would be very confused about my constant crying that day and I continue to cry as we approach the one-year anniversary of Micah's surgery tomorrow. I pulled out the old photo album of Micah's first days and I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for many different reasons however, the main reason is the fact that I have my amazing little miracle here with me to love, hold and cherish. I look at his beautiful face everyday and I thank G-d all over again for allowing me to hold him and care for him. Micah has proven from his very beginnings to be one who is going to follow his own path, and most of his family has been right along beside him the entire way. That is a whole other thing that gets me, family who detach themselves selfishly so that they do not get hurt in the process, therefore alienating those of us who believe so strongly that Micah can and will survive all the obstacles in his life. It has proved to be ever so difficult for me to forgive these people in our life, and I hope that one day I am able to do so, but right now, I cannot find the strength to allow that kind of pessimism around my family. This is not an easy task to accomplish, but I will continue to teach my kids that all three of them are survivors and that no matter what is put forth as an obstacle, we will make it.

I worry so much about his heart, his seizures and his general health, but I love that I get to worry about him everyday. I love that I have him here to love. I am forever grateful to the surgeon and his team who saved my child from the inevitable consequence of not correcting his defect. I am also forever grateful to our amazing pediatrician who has saved Micah's life at least twice already as well due to his persistence and for pushing for what Micah needed. I have never been a person who has been able to trust, this is an unfortunate thing for someone who has to learn to trust someone to save their child's life. I know now that a person must let go of some of the control every now and then in order to save their child's life. I had to trust G-d, the doctor's and nurses to heal my baby, I could not. All I could do was pray that the trust I had in G-d and the doctor's would be enough.

So, I feel that Micah, Leah & Noah have helped me become a better person today. I am still learning so very much and I hope that what I do as a mother helps them become even stronger than they already are. Most of all, I pray that these kids continue to grow up and become whoever they want to become in life.

What a week

Well this has been a wild week for sure. I thought this would be just another birthday weeek for me...the phone calls and cards from my family and friends, but of course it has turned into so much more. I turned 32 on Wednesday, but that day was welcomed in at the emergency room for Micah. Our cardiologist kept saying it must be respiratory, but after an echo on Thursday, it turned out it was his heart. I am in this strange place right now where I am not totally freaking out, because I knew in my own heart that something was wrong with his. I have carried a bad feeling with me for over two weeks now and I was just waiting to see what it was all about. I feel awful for my little guy, he is just shy of his first birthday and having yet another bout of congestive heart failure. I do not see how this is fair for such a happy little boy who only wants to play and sing with his brother and sister. I must say that I owe Micah's life to his pediatrician who has been the most vocal, strong-willed man lobbying on Micah's behalf with the cardiologist to check him out. This is the second time since Micah's open heart that he has gone into CHF, and both times, our pediatrician was the one who knew it and continued to force further investigation by the cardiologist. I am beyond angry right now that we had to fight for a simple echo that the insurance company pays for with no issues. I am able to look on the bright side here...if he is still on the Lasix at the start of RSV season, he qualifies for Synagis shots again this year, so I am wondering if this is some kind of small blessing to help him fight RSV.

Anyway, tomorrow is Micah's big birthday party! I am so excited for him. There will be lots of kids here to celebrate with him and of course his grandparents too. I am in such amazement with this little guy who is so strong and such a fighter. I know that his determination in life has helped him get to where he is and will continue to pull him through all the hard times (hopefully the hard times in the future will be about love, relationships, and normal stuff--not the heart).

The bright side...

As I sit here and write this, I am trying really hard to do as my mom tells me to do and see the bright side of things. That is not so easy to do right now. As much as I love and adore my kids and see them as perfect, it is hard to admit to myself that they are not, nor am I. I give my kids so much love, probably spoiling them more than anyone ever should and not being the best disciplinarian. I have not set stable rules that I follow all the time and I have certainly done more wrong over the last four and a half years then I would like to admit. I am sorry that this is such a depressing post, as most of them have been (sad that I have been so depressed lately). I want to be happy, but it seems that I keep looking at myself and wondering what exactly I am doing wrong to where my kids are not totally normal kids. I look first at Micah who obviously has his heart problem history and his seizures, then I look at Leah who is for the most part fine, but quiet and stuck in the middle, and then there is Noah who is so angry and sad all the time. I seem to have hit a brick wall with Noah, not knowing what to do next. He has days that he is absolutely perfect--loving, caring, adorable and sweet and then there are days that he is all of the prior and also angry, sad, anxious and out of control. My mom tells me it is just him and that this is what all four year olds do. Well, I know that this is not the case, that he is different, he is special. He is so incredibly smart that I believe he is above and beyond my level of intelligence most of the time. He sees something one time and he masters it. He can figure out just about anything that is presented to him. He is just amazing. I just want him to be happy. I do not mind tantrums-trust me, Leah and Micah are professionals with the tantrums, but Noah's scare me--I actually have sat and wondered to myself if when I put him in his room to settle down if he is going to find a way to hurt himself. If he gets quiet in there, I run in to make sure he is okay. I know that these are not normal fears of a mother and that the things he is doing are not normal for a four year old. I am glad that he sees a play therapist for this, but I am angry at myself for passing this on to him. I am not sure exactly what is going on with him, but I am pretty sure that my history of depression has not helped in this. I also know that all my anxiety has been passed on to him and I am so angry at myself for this as well. Just as I am angry at myself for taking antidepressants before knowing that I was pregnant with Micah, which I stopped the moment that I found out I was pregnant, but I took them during his heart development--so I am sure in my own heart that I broke his. I will not stop being the loving mom I am to the kids. I have to find a way to make myself happy again. It just seems that the only thing that makes me happy anymore are the smiles that I get from Noah, Leah & Micah. I only wish that I could find more in my life to make me happy as well and help make myself whole so that I can be a better mom to the kids and a better wife to Jonathan.

Life

I have only lost three very close people to me, my great aunt, my great grandma and my grandfather. I was very young when my great aunt and great grandmother passed away, but I remember feeling sad without really understanding it. I also lost a cousin last year who I loved dearly, but did not know very well as he lived in St. Louis, he was much younger than me and we only saw each other at family events. When my grandfather passed away unexpectedly my sophmore year of college, it was devastating to me. I remember feeling so out of control angry and having these feelings of despair run through my body. I locked myself in the bedroom for hours at a time and cried until I could not breathe. I remember being so angry with G-d for taking my grandpa away and refusing to speak to the rabbi, who my mom begged to speak to me. I cried and I cried thinking that the pain would never go away. The pain has lessened over the last 11 years, but I still find myself missing him and wishing that he could have met my beautiful babies. Noah was named after him (well his Hebrew name of Baruch) and he remains one of my heroes in life. I look for him at every important event in my life and he presents himself to me as a cardinal that will fly by or sing in a tree outside my house. As a matter of fact, I just saw two cardinals last week fly in front of my car as I drove to pick the kids up from school. He has an amazing ability to come into my life and let me know that everything will be alright.

This is all hitting me hard today, as I have just learned of a heart baby's entry to heaven. There has been a family that our support group has been following and helping out over the last few weeks as their precious son (3 years old) struggled to hold on for life. He had HLHS and he went to heaven today. As I sit here thinking about him and my own children I realize how fragile life is. We do not know how much time we will be given with those that we love so it is so important that we cherish the good, the bad and the unexpected. My heart goes out to this family and any family that has lost a child. I cannot even begin to imagine the sense of loss and despair that goes along with losing your child. I feel such pain when one of my kids is sick, so I cannot even begin to imagine how one feels when their child is taken from them.

I will cherish every moment that I have with my family and friends and I will give more hugs and kisses to those in my life and make sure that they know how much I love and appreciate them in my life.

Seven Years

On June 11, Jonathan and I celebrated our 7th anniversary, or should I say that I celebrated with the kids and he was in Germany on business, so we really have not celebrated yet. I was really bummed that he left on the 10th when he had discussed not leaving until the 11th or 12th this time around, but there was really very little that I could say about it. At least this job allows us to live in a great house and allows me to stay at home with the kiddos. Anyway, it has been a crazy 7 years for sure. The last year has been very trying for us, but I do know that we will make it through as Micah gets healthier and healthier and we don't have to worry about him as much (as if that will ever happen-I worry nonstop about all three of them and there is almost nothing wrong with Noah & Leah).

Mommy moment

I have to say that there is not a single thing that I enjoy more than the moment that I have all three of my babies cuddle up next to me as they try to fall asleep at night. I absolutely love it when Noah & Leah want to play with my hair to help them fall asleep, all while Micah is trying to pull on my hair as well. I love every single minute that I am given with these kids (even if the majority of the time I am asking myself if I can really do this). They are such amazing people and I love watching them grow.

Computer person, me???

Okay, so I know how to do all the basics with the computer--well I know how to use it, but on Wednesday when my internet went bye-bye, I totally freaked out! I tried to do all the things that Jonathan does when it goes out with no success. I called my dad, who got annoyed with me (big surprise). So I called AT&T and they assured me that there was nothing wrong with the DSL or the modem. Well, after an hour of troubleshooting that afternoon with no success, I lost patience and moved on to calling Jonathan in Germany and complaining! Mind you, it was close to midnight his time, but I deserve some attention right? He could not help me either, so the next morning I go to my friends house to check my email and return some emails. Her husband had sympathy for me (I was going nuts not being able to read blogs and check email) so he came over and loaned me his wireless pcs card so that I could stay in the loop a little bit. That day I spent another 4 hours trying to troubleshoot the DSL problem only to be told that it was indeed the modem. I did not have time that day to go buy a new one so it had to wait until yesterday--I bought the new one, called AT&T and I managed to get the internet working at my house once again! YEAH ME! Okay, sorry to have bored you about this story, but it consumed so much of my time this week that I had to talk about it.