Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Starbucks no more...
I am sad to say that I have had to give up my morning guilty pleasure. There will be no more Venti Non-fat Hazelnut Lattes for me. I cannot believe that $4.11 was not enough for Starbucks, they had to raise it by another $0.09. So now I am ever so grateful to my wonderful husband who had been preparing me for this transition when he bought me my very own espresso/coffee/frothing machine. This one really works and I must say, I have gotten pretty good at making my own lattes--although they are the vanilla variety because I cannot find hazelnut coffee syrup in a large size. So, until a crisis of no time to prepare my own latte in the morning arises, good bye Starbucks.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Tough
Here I am trying to be tough, and I am finding it more and more difficult. I think that the constant stress and worry is starting to really catch up to me and I am finding myself more and more irritable and sad. I screamed at Noah and Leah last night just because I was so tired from the entire day being spent in the doctor's offices and my inability to settle myself down. I feel horrible especially since I heard Leah crying in a dream, and I have to wonder if it was because of my mood.
I think that I am feeling very alone right now. Jonathan is in Europe again and I have had to deal with Micah's health alone. There have been a few friends that have helped me through, some that I have never even met, but it seems that some that I thought were the closest to me are really not there at all. I respect that everyone has their own lives and their own things, but those that I am talking about have time for me to lean on them, are close family or friends, and I have been there for them even when I was not in a place to really be there for them, but I was. I am also so tired of certain people, who shall remain unmentioned, that say "can I help"--but have absolutely no intention to help at all, they just want the appearance of helping.
What is helpful is when my mom just brings dinner over for us because she knows that I have no energy to cook dinner or when my mom just says, come over here so that the kids can play and you can have a break. That is helpful, not just empty thoughts of doing something. Jonathan has often discussed moving to a better climate state, but I cannot leave my mom. As much as the woman drives me crazy, she is the one who is my rock, she is the one who I can always count on. She comes to the ER with me in the middle of the night, or calls me 85 times during the day to make sure I am still okay. I cannot leave her, she is the only family support I have. There are a few other moms here in town that are so wonderful as well, but they all have their own families and issues that stem from their kids, but they call or email me daily to check on us. That is surely appreciated. Many of you who keep up with me and my family have given me so much support. Just a simple note saying that you are thinking of us has helped me so much...I just can't believe that some of my own family cannot do that for us.
I know that this sounds whiny, and I realize as I read through this particular site that this is where I write my pessimistic/sad/irritated thoughts. I apologize for that, but I have found that it really helps to empty those thoughts and I feel so much better when all is said and done. I try to keep much more optimistic and happy on the other two sites, so if this is too depressing, please keep up with us on the caringbridge site and the family pictures site. I really am not normally so sad sounding, although anyone who has met me over the last 16 months would not believe that!
I just hope to get out of this rut really soon, it has been really tough on me to have the chronic ups and downs over the last 16 months. I just want my family to be healthy and I want to feel like I am not carrying the world on my shoulders. I just feel that I cannot do anything anymore. I have not been able to write thank you notes for Micah's birthday gifts yet or even get the piles of papers off the kitchen counters, I guess I am doing the best I can right now, but it is not enough for me.
I think that I am feeling very alone right now. Jonathan is in Europe again and I have had to deal with Micah's health alone. There have been a few friends that have helped me through, some that I have never even met, but it seems that some that I thought were the closest to me are really not there at all. I respect that everyone has their own lives and their own things, but those that I am talking about have time for me to lean on them, are close family or friends, and I have been there for them even when I was not in a place to really be there for them, but I was. I am also so tired of certain people, who shall remain unmentioned, that say "can I help"--but have absolutely no intention to help at all, they just want the appearance of helping.
What is helpful is when my mom just brings dinner over for us because she knows that I have no energy to cook dinner or when my mom just says, come over here so that the kids can play and you can have a break. That is helpful, not just empty thoughts of doing something. Jonathan has often discussed moving to a better climate state, but I cannot leave my mom. As much as the woman drives me crazy, she is the one who is my rock, she is the one who I can always count on. She comes to the ER with me in the middle of the night, or calls me 85 times during the day to make sure I am still okay. I cannot leave her, she is the only family support I have. There are a few other moms here in town that are so wonderful as well, but they all have their own families and issues that stem from their kids, but they call or email me daily to check on us. That is surely appreciated. Many of you who keep up with me and my family have given me so much support. Just a simple note saying that you are thinking of us has helped me so much...I just can't believe that some of my own family cannot do that for us.
I know that this sounds whiny, and I realize as I read through this particular site that this is where I write my pessimistic/sad/irritated thoughts. I apologize for that, but I have found that it really helps to empty those thoughts and I feel so much better when all is said and done. I try to keep much more optimistic and happy on the other two sites, so if this is too depressing, please keep up with us on the caringbridge site and the family pictures site. I really am not normally so sad sounding, although anyone who has met me over the last 16 months would not believe that!
I just hope to get out of this rut really soon, it has been really tough on me to have the chronic ups and downs over the last 16 months. I just want my family to be healthy and I want to feel like I am not carrying the world on my shoulders. I just feel that I cannot do anything anymore. I have not been able to write thank you notes for Micah's birthday gifts yet or even get the piles of papers off the kitchen counters, I guess I am doing the best I can right now, but it is not enough for me.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Rollercoaster
Caution: this is a long, rambling post.
The last week has proven itself to be a bit of a roller coaster for me. One minute I am laughing and smiling and the next I am crying hysterically. My poor family does not know what I am going to do next. All of the "excitement" is from the huge milestone that Micah hit this week with turning one year old and has been compounded by Micah getting sick and finding out that his heart is having some more troubles.
Everything about Micah has been an adventure in my life...I knew I was pregnant with him before the blood tests could even prove it, as demonstrated by the fact that the doctors concluded and convinced me that I must just be depressed again and started me on an antidepressant, which I still credit for his heart defect. I found out a few weeks later that indeed I was pregnant (stopped the medication) and much further along than originally thought-that darn blood test missed the pregnancy by only a day or so! Then at our 19 week sonogram to find out what baby #3 would be, we discover that the heart is not showing a nice picture....oh well, next month we are "lucky" enough to get another sonogram--23 weeks, surprise--heart defect! That sent me over the edge I am sure, but from March 29, 2006 all the way up to today, I have feared for Micah's health daily. Every little thing with him I worry about. I worry a lot anyway, but the problem seems to be that when I start to worry about him, there is something wrong, i.e. congestive heart failure two times, seizures and ear infections all the time.
I have never in my life been a religious person-sure, I celebrated the major holidays, mostly only looking forward to Chanuka for the presents and I know a bit about Judaism, but I am not religious. I instantly found great relief in believing that G-d would protect my baby when we heard the words that he had a heart defect. I find myself thanking G-d daily for giving me these beautiful children, that sometimes I do not feel I deserve. I often do not know how I can be the best mother to them, but I do know that I am the best mother that I can possibly be to them. I know that my heart aches when they are hurt, sick or away from them. I love to watch them grow and achieve and it makes me so proud to watch them learn something new or do something they have never done before. These children are something else!
Anyway, Saturday we celebrated Micah's first birthday, thankfully not his actual birthday because I am sure my guests would be very confused about my constant crying that day and I continue to cry as we approach the one-year anniversary of Micah's surgery tomorrow. I pulled out the old photo album of Micah's first days and I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for many different reasons however, the main reason is the fact that I have my amazing little miracle here with me to love, hold and cherish. I look at his beautiful face everyday and I thank G-d all over again for allowing me to hold him and care for him. Micah has proven from his very beginnings to be one who is going to follow his own path, and most of his family has been right along beside him the entire way. That is a whole other thing that gets me, family who detach themselves selfishly so that they do not get hurt in the process, therefore alienating those of us who believe so strongly that Micah can and will survive all the obstacles in his life. It has proved to be ever so difficult for me to forgive these people in our life, and I hope that one day I am able to do so, but right now, I cannot find the strength to allow that kind of pessimism around my family. This is not an easy task to accomplish, but I will continue to teach my kids that all three of them are survivors and that no matter what is put forth as an obstacle, we will make it.
I worry so much about his heart, his seizures and his general health, but I love that I get to worry about him everyday. I love that I have him here to love. I am forever grateful to the surgeon and his team who saved my child from the inevitable consequence of not correcting his defect. I am also forever grateful to our amazing pediatrician who has saved Micah's life at least twice already as well due to his persistence and for pushing for what Micah needed. I have never been a person who has been able to trust, this is an unfortunate thing for someone who has to learn to trust someone to save their child's life. I know now that a person must let go of some of the control every now and then in order to save their child's life. I had to trust G-d, the doctor's and nurses to heal my baby, I could not. All I could do was pray that the trust I had in G-d and the doctor's would be enough.
So, I feel that Micah, Leah & Noah have helped me become a better person today. I am still learning so very much and I hope that what I do as a mother helps them become even stronger than they already are. Most of all, I pray that these kids continue to grow up and become whoever they want to become in life.
The last week has proven itself to be a bit of a roller coaster for me. One minute I am laughing and smiling and the next I am crying hysterically. My poor family does not know what I am going to do next. All of the "excitement" is from the huge milestone that Micah hit this week with turning one year old and has been compounded by Micah getting sick and finding out that his heart is having some more troubles.
Everything about Micah has been an adventure in my life...I knew I was pregnant with him before the blood tests could even prove it, as demonstrated by the fact that the doctors concluded and convinced me that I must just be depressed again and started me on an antidepressant, which I still credit for his heart defect. I found out a few weeks later that indeed I was pregnant (stopped the medication) and much further along than originally thought-that darn blood test missed the pregnancy by only a day or so! Then at our 19 week sonogram to find out what baby #3 would be, we discover that the heart is not showing a nice picture....oh well, next month we are "lucky" enough to get another sonogram--23 weeks, surprise--heart defect! That sent me over the edge I am sure, but from March 29, 2006 all the way up to today, I have feared for Micah's health daily. Every little thing with him I worry about. I worry a lot anyway, but the problem seems to be that when I start to worry about him, there is something wrong, i.e. congestive heart failure two times, seizures and ear infections all the time.
I have never in my life been a religious person-sure, I celebrated the major holidays, mostly only looking forward to Chanuka for the presents and I know a bit about Judaism, but I am not religious. I instantly found great relief in believing that G-d would protect my baby when we heard the words that he had a heart defect. I find myself thanking G-d daily for giving me these beautiful children, that sometimes I do not feel I deserve. I often do not know how I can be the best mother to them, but I do know that I am the best mother that I can possibly be to them. I know that my heart aches when they are hurt, sick or away from them. I love to watch them grow and achieve and it makes me so proud to watch them learn something new or do something they have never done before. These children are something else!
Anyway, Saturday we celebrated Micah's first birthday, thankfully not his actual birthday because I am sure my guests would be very confused about my constant crying that day and I continue to cry as we approach the one-year anniversary of Micah's surgery tomorrow. I pulled out the old photo album of Micah's first days and I cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for many different reasons however, the main reason is the fact that I have my amazing little miracle here with me to love, hold and cherish. I look at his beautiful face everyday and I thank G-d all over again for allowing me to hold him and care for him. Micah has proven from his very beginnings to be one who is going to follow his own path, and most of his family has been right along beside him the entire way. That is a whole other thing that gets me, family who detach themselves selfishly so that they do not get hurt in the process, therefore alienating those of us who believe so strongly that Micah can and will survive all the obstacles in his life. It has proved to be ever so difficult for me to forgive these people in our life, and I hope that one day I am able to do so, but right now, I cannot find the strength to allow that kind of pessimism around my family. This is not an easy task to accomplish, but I will continue to teach my kids that all three of them are survivors and that no matter what is put forth as an obstacle, we will make it.
I worry so much about his heart, his seizures and his general health, but I love that I get to worry about him everyday. I love that I have him here to love. I am forever grateful to the surgeon and his team who saved my child from the inevitable consequence of not correcting his defect. I am also forever grateful to our amazing pediatrician who has saved Micah's life at least twice already as well due to his persistence and for pushing for what Micah needed. I have never been a person who has been able to trust, this is an unfortunate thing for someone who has to learn to trust someone to save their child's life. I know now that a person must let go of some of the control every now and then in order to save their child's life. I had to trust G-d, the doctor's and nurses to heal my baby, I could not. All I could do was pray that the trust I had in G-d and the doctor's would be enough.
So, I feel that Micah, Leah & Noah have helped me become a better person today. I am still learning so very much and I hope that what I do as a mother helps them become even stronger than they already are. Most of all, I pray that these kids continue to grow up and become whoever they want to become in life.
Friday, July 13, 2007
What a week
Well this has been a wild week for sure. I thought this would be just another birthday weeek for me...the phone calls and cards from my family and friends, but of course it has turned into so much more. I turned 32 on Wednesday, but that day was welcomed in at the emergency room for Micah. Our cardiologist kept saying it must be respiratory, but after an echo on Thursday, it turned out it was his heart. I am in this strange place right now where I am not totally freaking out, because I knew in my own heart that something was wrong with his. I have carried a bad feeling with me for over two weeks now and I was just waiting to see what it was all about. I feel awful for my little guy, he is just shy of his first birthday and having yet another bout of congestive heart failure. I do not see how this is fair for such a happy little boy who only wants to play and sing with his brother and sister. I must say that I owe Micah's life to his pediatrician who has been the most vocal, strong-willed man lobbying on Micah's behalf with the cardiologist to check him out. This is the second time since Micah's open heart that he has gone into CHF, and both times, our pediatrician was the one who knew it and continued to force further investigation by the cardiologist. I am beyond angry right now that we had to fight for a simple echo that the insurance company pays for with no issues. I am able to look on the bright side here...if he is still on the Lasix at the start of RSV season, he qualifies for Synagis shots again this year, so I am wondering if this is some kind of small blessing to help him fight RSV.
Anyway, tomorrow is Micah's big birthday party! I am so excited for him. There will be lots of kids here to celebrate with him and of course his grandparents too. I am in such amazement with this little guy who is so strong and such a fighter. I know that his determination in life has helped him get to where he is and will continue to pull him through all the hard times (hopefully the hard times in the future will be about love, relationships, and normal stuff--not the heart).
Anyway, tomorrow is Micah's big birthday party! I am so excited for him. There will be lots of kids here to celebrate with him and of course his grandparents too. I am in such amazement with this little guy who is so strong and such a fighter. I know that his determination in life has helped him get to where he is and will continue to pull him through all the hard times (hopefully the hard times in the future will be about love, relationships, and normal stuff--not the heart).
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