The bright side...

As I sit here and write this, I am trying really hard to do as my mom tells me to do and see the bright side of things. That is not so easy to do right now. As much as I love and adore my kids and see them as perfect, it is hard to admit to myself that they are not, nor am I. I give my kids so much love, probably spoiling them more than anyone ever should and not being the best disciplinarian. I have not set stable rules that I follow all the time and I have certainly done more wrong over the last four and a half years then I would like to admit. I am sorry that this is such a depressing post, as most of them have been (sad that I have been so depressed lately). I want to be happy, but it seems that I keep looking at myself and wondering what exactly I am doing wrong to where my kids are not totally normal kids. I look first at Micah who obviously has his heart problem history and his seizures, then I look at Leah who is for the most part fine, but quiet and stuck in the middle, and then there is Noah who is so angry and sad all the time. I seem to have hit a brick wall with Noah, not knowing what to do next. He has days that he is absolutely perfect--loving, caring, adorable and sweet and then there are days that he is all of the prior and also angry, sad, anxious and out of control. My mom tells me it is just him and that this is what all four year olds do. Well, I know that this is not the case, that he is different, he is special. He is so incredibly smart that I believe he is above and beyond my level of intelligence most of the time. He sees something one time and he masters it. He can figure out just about anything that is presented to him. He is just amazing. I just want him to be happy. I do not mind tantrums-trust me, Leah and Micah are professionals with the tantrums, but Noah's scare me--I actually have sat and wondered to myself if when I put him in his room to settle down if he is going to find a way to hurt himself. If he gets quiet in there, I run in to make sure he is okay. I know that these are not normal fears of a mother and that the things he is doing are not normal for a four year old. I am glad that he sees a play therapist for this, but I am angry at myself for passing this on to him. I am not sure exactly what is going on with him, but I am pretty sure that my history of depression has not helped in this. I also know that all my anxiety has been passed on to him and I am so angry at myself for this as well. Just as I am angry at myself for taking antidepressants before knowing that I was pregnant with Micah, which I stopped the moment that I found out I was pregnant, but I took them during his heart development--so I am sure in my own heart that I broke his. I will not stop being the loving mom I am to the kids. I have to find a way to make myself happy again. It just seems that the only thing that makes me happy anymore are the smiles that I get from Noah, Leah & Micah. I only wish that I could find more in my life to make me happy as well and help make myself whole so that I can be a better mom to the kids and a better wife to Jonathan.