Therapy by the scissors...

Saturday, I finally went and did something for myself--I went to get my hair done for the first time in many, many months. I had all sorts of pictures picked out on what I liked, but I was not sure if I really should go through with it. As I showed the pictures to the stylist, she said that she felt it would look good on me and then she started to cut...after she asked me one last time if I was really sure I wanted this. As I saw my hair coming off, tears started to flood my eyes...I loved the hair style, but it was as if so much of the pain, anxiety and stress that I have held on to over the last year and a half was being cut away from me. I was feeling a sense of relief from all the things that have happened since Micah's diagnosis. I am very aware of the fact that I am still terrified, anxious and not fully "functional" yet, but it sure did help cleanse me of some of the stuff that I just could not let go of. Amazingly, the last week or so, I have been incredibly emotional...I am not sure if it has to do with the fact that Grandpa died almost 13 years ago, or if it is because we are coming up on another anniversary of Micah's cath procedure, when he was so sick, or if it is because Micah still is not "healthy" like he was suppose to be. I just know that the tears are flowing freely this week. Anyway, I had about 10 inches of hair chopped off and now I have the "Pob" the Posh bob--it takes me a little more time to do in the mornings, but it is sassy!

Superstitions????

Okay, here is one of my many quirks...I am very superstitious about things (black cats, broken mirrors, the number 13, ladders etc...). I also have this bizarreness about me that lets me know things sooner than expected (I know when someone is pregnant often before they do--or when they are not yet telling, I can often sense when something is not right with a close friend etc.), but included in this is my seemingly perfect ability to predict when something bad is going to happen with someone in my family.

Now, people may find me to be absolutely crazy, but here it goes. My grandpa Bootzie (Bernard) passed away 13 years ago (September 15). I was very close to him and Noah was named after him...I could not give Noah his first name because I did not want Noah's initials to be BM--sorry...so Noah's Hebrew name is Baruch, which was my grandpa's Hebrew name...Noah's middle name is Aaron, where I took the A from my grandpa's middle name, Albert.

Grandpa's death was very hard on me, but I found a great sense of peace everytime I saw a cardinal (the bird) because my grandpa was a HUGE St. Louis Cardinal fan. From what my family tells me he was suppose to be the catcher for the team back in his day, but called away to war instead. So, since his death, if I was down in the dumps or depressed or discouraged, it seemed that a cardinal would show up to let me know that all would be okay. This has always been a reassuring thing to me.

Well, interestingly enough, right before I found out about Micah, cardinals started showing up all over the place. This was great for me because I knew my grandpa was sharing his strength with me. Now, the problem with this is now when I see a cardinal, I am a bit on edge. I know, I know...CRAZY...but....everytime that I have seen a cardinal since Micah's diagnosis in utero, within about 2 weeks we hear something bad about his health.

So, here it goes, I have seen two cardinals on separate occasions since Monday morning, so I am here worried about what might be coming. Don't worry, it is not consuming my life, I simply wonder about what is going to happen a little each day. I know that I cannot change or predict the future, and I also know that I cannot live in constant fear, so I don't, I just have a heightened sense of awareness. I think that this helps me be slightly more prepared when I am told of something. I will continue to hope that these two birds/Grandpa were simply telling me hello from above this week, but....who knows.

Micah Online

Hi Everyone...a couple weeks ago a member of a support group that I belong to was looking for CHD stories to publish on her nonprofit's website, so I volunteered Micah's story. Please click on this link, http://www.kidswithheart.org/ and you will find Micah's story, it starts with a little blurb at the beginning and then there is a link to click on to get his whole story. This is one of the nonprofits that fund CHD stuff...plus they have really cool items for purchase! You can make a donation in his honor as well.
Hugs,
Samantha
P.S. I am posting this everywhere...so you will find it on all my sites!
Here's a picture of the little guy, getting in trouble of course! As a side...he has broken the kids Apple keyboard and the DVD player in a matter of just two days...I think we need to find a way to control this one!

Not much going on here...

except for the fact that I am now sick! Noah got me. Oh well. He is too darn cute, he burst into tears this morning when I said I was not feeling well and he ran and gave me a huge hug saying "I am so sorry I got you sick Mommy". Well, that broke my heart, but at the same time, it was one of the sweetest things ever to be said. He is such a special little boy! I actually do not think he got me sick, as my throat does not hurt-I am more bothered with my ear/congestion and my tummy. It is not easy being a mommy when you are sick, that is for sure!

On another note, I am finding myself incredibly torn about Micah's heart cath last week. I think back to the doctor walking up to us and I remember my heart just pounding...then she said he was looking pretty good. My first reaction was disbelief, then relief, but the more I think back on it, the more I find myself torn. I am THRILLED that he does not need surgery right now, but at the same time, I am upset because the poor baby will simply just nurse and his little head is soaked from sweating. He can be playing with Noah and Leah for just a few minutes and be breathing like he just ran a marathon! It does not slow him down at all--thankfully, but it breaks my heart. I want him to be able to do normal things, I want him to be able to play soccer, football or anything that he wants to, but that is not going to happen.

I am so thankful that he is as healthy as he is, but I am sad for him that I will have to set more limits with him on certain things, and I can tell that his personality will not like that one bit. I am so happy that I have this little guy in my life and I only wish that I could be more like him. I do not obsess as much about it anymore like I use to...I don't let his heart consume me, but there are moments everyday that I look at him and I wish with everything in me that I could have made him just as healthy as I made Noah & Leah. We are so lucky with his outcomes in comparison to so many others, and I respect that, but at the same time, he is my baby and he is not thriving in the manner that I had wished for. I sometimes wonder if I somehow upset G-d when I was pregnant with Micah because I would tell everyone, I don't care what the baby is, just as long as it is healthy, but then I continued on to say...but it would be great to have a boy so that Leah was the only girl and it would be easier for her being the middle child. I know that I will never know what caused his heart problems (still that whole Zoloft guilt in me), but I think it is a question that may torment me for a long time to come.

Anyway, I have to go off to Costco now to stock up on a bunch of food and paper supplies--it has been almost 2 months since my last visit there! Jonathan hates it when I go there because he does not understand the point of buying in bulk!

Jonathan

I do not seem to give enough credit to Jonathan's feelings about my precious kiddos. He has always been one of those men, you know the kind, never showing his emotions. I have only seen him cry three times in our time together (one fight we had, Noah's birth, and when Micah was being diagnosed with his heart defect.) I think because of this, I dismiss his feelings about all this. I think that I get angry with him for not being more concerned, when in reality, he just expresses himself differently than I do.

We got a copy of the letter that the cardiologist sends to the pediatrician today, and from it, we gathered that she is very concerned about the actual tricuspid valve and feels that there may be something wrong with it as well. Since reading that, Jonathan has been rather sad looking and just hugs on Micah. It may have more to do with the fact that he is jet lagged and tired from his 12 day business trip to Europe, but he is sad. I can see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. It is sad for me to look at what I imagine to be this pillar of strength (that normally upsets me that he does not get rattled at all) looking so defeated.

Starbucks no more...

I am sad to say that I have had to give up my morning guilty pleasure. There will be no more Venti Non-fat Hazelnut Lattes for me. I cannot believe that $4.11 was not enough for Starbucks, they had to raise it by another $0.09. So now I am ever so grateful to my wonderful husband who had been preparing me for this transition when he bought me my very own espresso/coffee/frothing machine. This one really works and I must say, I have gotten pretty good at making my own lattes--although they are the vanilla variety because I cannot find hazelnut coffee syrup in a large size. So, until a crisis of no time to prepare my own latte in the morning arises, good bye Starbucks.

Tough

Here I am trying to be tough, and I am finding it more and more difficult. I think that the constant stress and worry is starting to really catch up to me and I am finding myself more and more irritable and sad. I screamed at Noah and Leah last night just because I was so tired from the entire day being spent in the doctor's offices and my inability to settle myself down. I feel horrible especially since I heard Leah crying in a dream, and I have to wonder if it was because of my mood.

I think that I am feeling very alone right now. Jonathan is in Europe again and I have had to deal with Micah's health alone. There have been a few friends that have helped me through, some that I have never even met, but it seems that some that I thought were the closest to me are really not there at all. I respect that everyone has their own lives and their own things, but those that I am talking about have time for me to lean on them, are close family or friends, and I have been there for them even when I was not in a place to really be there for them, but I was. I am also so tired of certain people, who shall remain unmentioned, that say "can I help"--but have absolutely no intention to help at all, they just want the appearance of helping.

What is helpful is when my mom just brings dinner over for us because she knows that I have no energy to cook dinner or when my mom just says, come over here so that the kids can play and you can have a break. That is helpful, not just empty thoughts of doing something. Jonathan has often discussed moving to a better climate state, but I cannot leave my mom. As much as the woman drives me crazy, she is the one who is my rock, she is the one who I can always count on. She comes to the ER with me in the middle of the night, or calls me 85 times during the day to make sure I am still okay. I cannot leave her, she is the only family support I have. There are a few other moms here in town that are so wonderful as well, but they all have their own families and issues that stem from their kids, but they call or email me daily to check on us. That is surely appreciated. Many of you who keep up with me and my family have given me so much support. Just a simple note saying that you are thinking of us has helped me so much...I just can't believe that some of my own family cannot do that for us.

I know that this sounds whiny, and I realize as I read through this particular site that this is where I write my pessimistic/sad/irritated thoughts. I apologize for that, but I have found that it really helps to empty those thoughts and I feel so much better when all is said and done. I try to keep much more optimistic and happy on the other two sites, so if this is too depressing, please keep up with us on the caringbridge site and the family pictures site. I really am not normally so sad sounding, although anyone who has met me over the last 16 months would not believe that!

I just hope to get out of this rut really soon, it has been really tough on me to have the chronic ups and downs over the last 16 months. I just want my family to be healthy and I want to feel like I am not carrying the world on my shoulders. I just feel that I cannot do anything anymore. I have not been able to write thank you notes for Micah's birthday gifts yet or even get the piles of papers off the kitchen counters, I guess I am doing the best I can right now, but it is not enough for me.