There is only so much I can do. I have decided that I cannot do anymore in my life. I have been dealing for almost two years with this loss of control that is Micah's heart/life. I have always had serious control issues and now they are coming out even more so due to all the stress. I have always over-committed myself with the hope that I would could be this incredibly strong person (which I am not) and I do this in order to attempt to gain some control back in my life.
I want to be able to help other families (support them), but I cannot do it all. I cannot be the person who is the "go to" all the time when there are problems. I do not have it in me to take care of anyone else. I can only take care of my family and myself.
I am so thankful for this family that I feel a part of in the CHD world. These friends that I have never met offer such real support and friendship and seem to understand what I am going through. These women who most I have never met, are the ones who are pulling me through all my stuff...it's those that are "close" to me that I am struggling with.
I simply want to be allowed to feel my feelings and take care of all the things in my own world without having to be the "mother" to those that are grown adults, though I know and understand that they have their issues as well. I know that they are here to help, but I feel that I "owe it to them" to return favors, and I cannot. I am tearing at the seams and I cannot seem to stop it. I feel myself separating from others and I think that I have to in order for my survival. I know that this sounds bizarre, but for just a little bit, I have to "be free".
I would like to stop and say thank you though to those of you who are here for me and who let me be myself and not expect more from me than I can offer. Thank you for letting me empty my brain and get it out...that is not a luxury that I have been allowing myself for many years now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hi Samantha,
I just came across your site and wanted to say hi. I am a parent of a child with a CHD as well and after reading your past few posts I knew I had to leave you a message. I felt like you were writing my own thoughts. The smoking issue, we have in our family as well and it truely gets to me. They think if they just smoke before coming in then its okay. I still don't like the smoke on there clothes when they come over. But its family and I don't want to make things worse. The friends and even some family members just don't get it. They seem to think now that the first surgery is over that my daughter is fixed, we heart moms know that is not the case. I just want you to know I am here and completely relate to you. I will be keeping up with your journey and looking forward to getting to know you better.
Take Care!
Oh Samantha, you have NO IDEA how true this rings with me. I have friends who just aren't FRIENDS to me (one in particular). I mean, she sends out junk email all day long yet she cannot find the time to read Elijah's blog EVER. She never knows what is going on with him and it bugs me! All the while, I'm being a good friend to her and giving her what she needs. Is it worth it?? (sorry for the rant, this just really hit home as I was reading through your post.)
You heart mamas have been sooo wonderful. It's like I've opened a box filled with TRUE FRIENDSHIP, and that feels so good. And I've never even met you! The fact that you (among many others) care enough to go read Eli's blog a couple times a week means the world to me. The fact that you can relate and sympathize and that you always have the right things to say means the world to me as well!
I guess we can only do the things that make our lives healthy. If you feel you are putting energy where it doesn't need to be, then we need to re-evaluate things.
You do so much. You have a million different hats that you wear every day. I don't know how you do it! Is there any way to simplify your life a bit? I think that might help out. Just a thought.
I want to meet you. I think we'd have a lot to talk about. :)
Take care! Always thinking about you guys. Sending you lots of hugs today.
xoxoxoxooxoxoxox
Post a Comment