Special: Yes, Special Needs: Not Really

I cannot even believe something that was said to me this past weekend. I was discussing going back to work full time next year (simply a possibility, not reality yet) and someone (I will not use names) actually asked me if I could even think of doing that with Micah being "special". "Isn't there a special school for kids like him here in the city?" SERIOUSLY?!?! When did having a feeding tube and a CHD instantly make someone qualify for the special education stuff? Micah is very smart and thankfully we are not dealing with major developmental delays...so why in the hell would someone even suggest that bull shit...sorry for the language, but I am really angry.

Anyway...just because my baby is "special" and by that I mean not a boring, average kid with no issues...does not mean that I have to put my career and future life on hold to wait around and do nothing. I am struggling with the possibility of going back to work, but in all honesty, I am really hoping that I do get this job. I think that as crazy as this seems, it will help stabilize my life and not allow me to sit around all day and focus on the what ifs with Micah. Micah needs to be around other kids...he enjoys it, so it is almost unfair of me to want to keep him locked up in his little bubble that he is in. He will thrive even more. And as for the numerous doctors appointments that he will still need to go on...that is what is nice with working in a school...school lets out at 3 and I can take him to late afternoon appts. What is the world is the big deal?

So there! Yes, Micah is special but his special needs are not that significant that he cannot do EVERYTHING (outside of heavy duty sports) that Noah and Leah do every single day of their "Normal" lives.

Drowning

I feel like I am drowning right now. I am waiting for that calm that supposedly comes to you when you finally just accept what it is and let yourself fall...I found myself crying hysterically today (luckily the kids could not see it as Noah was asleep in the back seat of the car and Leah and Micah are too oblivious to it and sunglasses help)

Today I found my mind wandering where I do not like for it to go...I really had this overwhelming feeling that I will lose Micah way too early. I cannot even believe I am typing this up because I feel in my deepest heart that he is so strong and he will do great things in his life, but for those moments, I felt horrible. I think it is this huge uncertainty that just sets me over the edge...if someone would just say, "he will have a surgery in the next year to repair his heart and then we will need to go in and redo valves etc. every 5-10 years after that" I think I would be fine...but no, it is just his heart is failing and he has all these symptoms, but we just wait. I am totally alright with just waiting, as I do not want to hand my baby over to the surgeon yet, but I cannot stand this not knowing. I want to know right now that he is going to survive all this and be totally fine. I want him to be able to do everything that Noah and Leah do, but he cannot...he cannot even sit on my lap watching tv without sweating like crazy while getting tube fed...why does he have to suffer? Why can't it just be me?

I cannot imagine ever leaving my babies (no one can take care of them like me) but what kind of mother am I right now? I real crappy one. I am making an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday to get put back on antidepressants...I am sure this will help tremendously, but I am scared to death of those things since I still feel that they are the cause of Micah's heart...it is really hard to give in to the evil thing that created this. I know that there is a reason that Micah was given to me...but I am not really happy about it.

I sit here and say to myself that I am so happy to have Micah and that he helped this family become just that, family, but in so many ways I wonder if I should not have tempted fate and went for #3. And then, the nerve of me to even think to myself that I really do want a fourth baby. How dare I be so selfish? As I say goodbye to the baby years of Micah and stop nursing that sweet precious baby, I long to be pregnant again one day (not now, I so can't handle it now), but I want that. It is not fair for me to even consider it...I already have lost time with Noah and Leah and then what if that baby was born sick too? Micah requires so much time and energy...but will he always? I am not sure...maybe in a year he will miraculously pull out of heart failure and we will not deal with this chronic health crap, but maybe he won't. I just don't know...I am at such a loss.

Like I said, I really feel that I am struggling to hang on and not let myself go...but maybe it would just be better to give in to it all. Accept that it is okay not to know everything and not worry, but how does a mother not worry? Even when you have totally normal kids there are worries and fears, but they do not linger over you constantly as you watch your child struggle to breath or refuse to eat.

I love these kids more than life itself and I plan to stay around for a VERY long time...I can imagine my baby girl getting married...I see her in this beautiful dress with that gorgeous red hair pulled up and out of her face...I see Noah doing amazing things in his life...I do not know what yet, but I know that he will be an amazing person to his family and society in general...and then there is Micah...I can sit and see him doing so much, but then I pull back and wonder if he will still be here...will his heart be strong enough to let him get through college and get married? Will his heart hold out to be a father one day? He would be so amazing with children. Will he be the doctor that I keep saying he will be because he is so much like his big brother with so much brain power. I just want him to be free of any health concerns. Why is it that he takes 7 medicines a day (some 3 times a day) just to keep him somewhat normal? Why does he have seizures? Why will he not eat for me? Why, why, why? I guess I will never know this for sure. I do know that there is nothing that will make me leave these kids and there is nothing that I will not do for these kids...they are my entire universe. I love them so very much.

Okay...I think I am done being all sad and down for now...at least on the surface...sorry for being such a downer.

Personality Test

Check this site out: http://memoriter.net/flash/test.html

Don't read my results until you have done it yourself, if you plan to...otherwise you will not be "totally honest" with your answers b/c you will know what to put.

Most of my answers were right on for me:

A) Priorities in my life:
1. Tiger--PRIDE
2. Horse--FAMILY
3. Sheep--LOVE
4. Cow--CAREER
5. Pig--MONEY
This is pretty telling about me...I figured that family would have gone first, and the funny thing is I actually went back and forth about these two answers while taking the test...so I would say we are looking at a 49%-51% split on these two answers.

B) Personalities:
1. Dog = My personality = LOVING---(this is exactly how I see myself)
2. Cat = My partners personality = INDEPENDENT (so Jonathan)
3. Rat = Personality of my enemies = DIRTY (AGREE)
4. Coffee = How I interpret sex :)--this one is funny = DELICIOUS (This just makes me giggle)
5. Sea = Implies my own life = TRANQUILITY (maybe this is where I am heading???

C) PEOPLE & COLORS
1. Yellow-Someone I'll never forget = JONATHAN
2. ORANGE-True friend = DADDY
3. RED-Someone I really love = JAIME (my sister)
4. WHITE-My twin soul = Megan (this one was crazy...maybe that is why I feel so close to you even though I have never met you!)
5. GREEN-Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life = MICAH (this one freaks me out a bit...why will I "remember" him? I know crazy and negative, but it makes me worry)

D) NUMBERS and DAY: 18 and Saturday...supposedly if I sent this to 18 people that my wish will be answered on Saturday...we will see!

Roller Coaster Life

Okay, I am trying so very hard to be positive and happy all the time with respect to Micah and his health...as a matter of fact, for a very short few days, my only concerns about his health had to do with whether he was going to pull that darn button out of his tummy.

But the craziness that is Micah's heart has started in again, and I feel almost betrayed by it. I have always been told that Micah's heart is in good shape, which I know in comparison to many other hearts, his is...but why does his heart go into heart failure so fast? Why do I still have to sit and watch how fast he is breathing, how sweaty he gets and how puffy his eyes look to me? I know that he will forever be a "heart baby" in my eyes, but why can't I just see it as something about him. I am not wanting his health to define him...he is such a special little boy...so curious, full of life, excited, energetic and smart...but all this health crap just keeps getting in his way.

I am very scared...but the problem is...I do not know what to be scared of. Like I said, I have always been told that this heart will last him his lifetime...but how long is his lifetime going to be? I know that is a question that none of us can answer, as there are buses out there that hit people, planes that crash and wars that kill millions of people...but I just want to know that my precious, sweet, charming little boy is going to beat his heart problems.

I guess that is the main thing going on right now...I feel like I truly am on a roller coaster since one minute I am fine and the next I am crawled up on the floor crying like a baby. I just want to be able to drift through life and enjoy every single minute that I am given with my three precious children, but all I seem to find myself being is mean, tired and sad. So, hopefully, now that I have gotten this out of my system, I can go and have a beautiful day.

The saga continues

If you have not read the first email from my sister, please do that first...then this one:
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Ok, so maybe I didn't mean everything in the last email. Sending emails like that is how wars get started. I was upset and worried and did not follow Dad's cardinal rule, of waiting at least 24 hours. I am upset that I didn't know what was going on and it, well frankly, kinda pissed me off, as I love all three kids very much.

I was just disappointed and hurt that you didn't think enough of your me to let me know.

I also understand that this is not about me, but about the Micah so I need to let that go.

So that's all.

By the way, J--- went to opening day for the D-backs last night and went got some things for kids. I am sending the box, but J--- was the one who got the the gifts. He wanted to send them something.

That's all. Can you please keep me posted?
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So much drama....I am just too tired for this...I am getting too old.

Sisterly love!

Is it any wonder that I do not have a closer relationship to my sister...here is the email that I get from her the day before my child goes into surgery....isn't this just wonderful!


Samantha,

This will be the last correspondence that I plan on having with you, unless it is in regards to our parents. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are a very cold and mean person. It is unacceptable that writing a blog on line is an acceptable form of communication with your sister. I don’t read your blog every time there is an update, as a normal kind, loving sister would call if there was a family health issue or concern.

I did not know that your son was having surgery tomorrow, as you didn’t care enough about your own sister to call and tell me. I have a hard time believing that you didn’t have time, as you obsessively write updates on your blog. Please don’t insult my intelligence with statements like you didn’t have time, because anyone who can write novels on line has time to call their sister. That is if they care about their sister, which is clear you do not.

I am no longer a part of your life or your children’s lives. I guess you got what you have always wanted Samantha…to get rid me. I hope you’re satisfied now. I would have thought that as a mother with three children you would appreciate having a sister, but apparently it only made you realize how much you hate having a sister.

You have hurt me for the last time; I have no more emotion or tears for you.

Internet quizzes!

Okay...my friend Kellie got me going on these things...I must say that most of this stuff is true...hmmm...

What Your Little Black Dress Says About You

You are lively and outgoing. You are naturally friendly. You enjoy meeting new people and making new connections. Your style is whimsical and unique. You're good at putting together interesting outfits. If you were a shoe, you would be: High heeled boots

The Little Black Dress Test

You've Changed 44% in 10 Years

You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person. You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you.

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

You Have Many Alpha Tendencies

You're not a total alpha female, but you certainly know how to - and like to - get your way. You're forceful without being intimidating. You're confident without being vain. A perfect mix.

Are You an Alpha Female?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are powerful, passionate, and dominant. You have a vision of how things should be, and you do your best to make things happen. People rely on you for your strength. You are a rock to many. Underneath it all, you aren't so sure about your passions. So many ideas spark your interest, it is hard for you to get behind a select few. However, you see indecision as a sign of weakness. So you pursue your goals full force - no matter how foolish they turn out to be.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you. But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft. You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily. You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

You Are 56% Lady

You're part lady, part modern woman. Etiquette is important to you, but you brush aside rules that are outdated or silly.

Are You A Lady?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational person with a good deal of balance in your life. Friends consider you to be kind, caring, and truly loyal. You are easy going and trusting. However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games. Open to the world, you are not afraid to be yourself. If you don't get enough sleep, you are: Able to cope It's hard to sleep next to you because: You're a bed hog

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

You Would Choose Love

Money may buy a little happiness, but not the happiness of true love. You rather have a true soulmate than a private jet. And while many people may claim they would choose love too... You're one of the few who would really do it.

Would You Choose Love or Money?

You Are a Rainbow

Breathtaking and rare You are totally enchanting and intriguing But you usually don't stick around long! You are best known for: your beauty Your dominant state: seducing

What Type of Weather Are You?