To work or not to work...

Okay, I am sitting here with such incredibly mixed emotions on so many levels, I just do not even know where to start, so I guess I will start with the dilemma of becoming a working mom once again.

I knew when Noah was born that there was no doubt I was going back to work (Jonathan really wanted me to, plus I thought that was what I wanted...I was wrong). Anyway, I went back to work when Noah was about 13 weeks old and I missed him terribly, but I think that having him in daycare was so great for him. Looking back, I realize how much further along he got with being in a school and not staying home with me. When I got pregnant with Leah, I drew up all these plans on how we could afford for me to stay home, what I would do with the kids all day, menus blah, blah, blah. Well, she came and it was SO NOT what I had planned. I could not get anything together and still to this day feel overwhelmed and unable to have some sense of peace and tranquility in the everyday things. Things only intensified when I became pregnant with Micah and was so terribly sick for the first trimester and then finding out at 23 weeks he had a broken heart certainly did not help.

I guess where I am going with this is that I think I was able to hold everything together better when I was working...but of course, I can only compare that to having one child to care for and the fact that he was not/is not a high maintenance child (healthy). Micah keeps me so incredibly busy with doctors, therapies and worries, that I do not even know if I could ethically start a job because of knowing that I would have to miss so much work...and it has to be me who misses work because Jonathan is the one who has to have his job...he makes the big bucks and carries the awesome insurance policy that has NO LIFETIME MAX!

Seeing that I am in school, I feel that desire to get back to work. I love going to my internship and helping others. I have wanted to be a therapist since I was 14 or 15 years old...this is all I have ever wanted to do. The thing that is just killing me is the fact that I already have the masters needed to do this, but now I need the school counseling part as well. I just feel like I am wasting time in the whole education world (my education), but I only have these 3 semesters left, so I cannot stop. I want to be able to drop Micah off and go to work, but I don't. I just do not know what I want and need. I do know that I do not want to send him to a daycare. I think I have found someone who can watch him on Wednesday's for me while I go to school and who will watch the kids on Saturday's when Jon is out of town, but I am so scared. No one knows him as well as I do.

So, that is my dilemma...to work or not to work. I have been presented with an opportunity to apply for a school counselor position next fall, but Jonathan and I do not think that Micah is ready to go to a preschool full time by any means. I do not even think he can do part time, but he will have to for me to at least do a part time internship at a school. So here I will sit and live in this world of "I just do not know"

What is it with people?

I am just wondering what has happened to people over time...why is is suddenly okay to have affairs and no one question about it??? I ask this because a family member of mine was married for many years and over those years we know for a fact that he was having at least one affair...now, he is divorced and no one seemed disappointed in the fact that he was unfaithful, but me. Anyway, now he is cheating or looking to cheat on the lady he was unfaithful with, and yet again, no one seems to find this upsetting, except me. I get the "she should have known, leopards don't change their spots" but seriously, how is it that this is okay? I am so disappointed and it makes it very difficult for me to be around people who do not respect the commitments that are involved in a relationship. The way I see it, why can't you just get out of the relationship if you are so unhappy that you must seek another to "fulfill" what you are looking for?

Now, going along with my inability to understand people...why do people have so little respect for the health of my baby when I have specifically explained what cannot happen around him? Two of my family members who live out of town came in this weekend...they both smoke...I told them before coming down that they will not be able to smoke anywhere near Micah due to his health...as a matter of fact, they could not smell like smoke when they got around him. So, I go to pick up my uncle at the airport on Friday, and guess where I find him? Outside SMOKING!!! He still had not gotten his suitcase and then he went back in to get it, and sure enough, he SMOKED ANOTHER CIGARETTE before getting into my car! Now, I am not a confrontational person, so I blew it off, but my windows did get rolled down until the smell subsided...I had to have major heat blowing on Micah in the back because I did not want him to get even sicker! I had no problem at Disney last December telling someone he could not smoke in the area we were in, but family is another story, I don't want to cause turmoil. Anyway, later that night, we were out for dinner and sure enough, they could not wait to get outside to smoke AGAIN! Guess where? Right at the front door, so when we opened the door to leave, my family got to inhale massive amounts of smoke. I am so disappointed. It is hard to be really upset with my grandma, since she is 80 years old, but I really think my uncle could try to understand and respect the health of my baby a bit more.

Anyway, that is it. I just don't understand the fact that some people are so incredibly self absorbed!

Long time, no posting

Well, I am finding myself more and more stressed out over the last week since I returned home from vacation. This vacation actually was enjoyable and though I got upset with the kids for silly things (like ruining things in the hotel) it was generally a really good trip. Then we got home. I have been so darn tired and I just do not know how to get myself together. I have not been able to get anything done and I just feel so run down. I am sure that Micah's stomach bug did not help me any, but Jonathan is on my last nerve. He is a really great guy who works really hard for our family, but sometimes I feel that he just puts his job way before the family and it is so upsetting to me. I get that he needs his job for a variety of reasons: health insurance, our house, our vacations, food etc. but it seems to me that sometimes he just does not understand that I need a little more too. He leaves to go out of the country often, leaving me with three kids alone and when he is in town, he just does not get why I might need some alone time. The thing that just ticked me off today was when he came downstairs to talk to me about what day of the week would be best for me for him to leave, I tell him, and he totally disregards what I say and does the opposite. That is fine if he wants to make the decision on what day to leave, but don't bother asking me what is best for me if it makes not one bit of difference.

Anyway, sorry to be so angry, but I do feel better now that I have written it down.

Happy New Year and here is to me posting mostly positive this year :)

What does my handwriting say about me?

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a fairly energetic person. You know how do pace yourself, and you deal well with stress. You are somewhat outgoing, but you're not a natural extrovert. You think first before you act. You tend to be independent, rational, and logical. You are extravagant, over the top, and indulgent. You set trends and influence people. You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well. You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart. You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

Crazy again

Well, I guess that I am just a bit on the crazy side once again...things are going so well, yet I continue to feel that the bottom is going to drop out from under me...why...I saw another darn Cardinal yesterday on the way to dropping the kids off at speech and they continue to pop up everywhere (in books and magazines in particular)...I know that this should be seen as a good sign, and yet, I can't seem to get that nervous feeling to go away. I know that things are going so well now and I am certainly not sitting around feeling the fear or anything (this is big for me). I know how lucky we are to have Micah and I am not going to worry about what might happen (except for me having that feeling that won't go away). I read something another heart mom had written about her heart baby and I really liked it: she said something along the lines of his heart defect not being what defines him, rather it being something that makes him special. I really like that thought...because Micah is so much more than his heart, and there is so much fun, mischievious personality that he has and it was not made by his heart, it was made by G-d creating a very special little boy for me to love. Anyway, that is all I needed to get off my chest at this moment...well, there is a lot more, but that can wait :)

Noah

Well, I am annoyed at my mother--here I am 32 and annoyed at her yet again. As I have written before, Noah has had some trouble with behavior and anxiety...well, Monday after much discussion with his play therapist and his pediatrician, I decided to bring him to a psychiatrist. Now remember, I have struggled with depression for almost as long as I can remember and I get so anxious it is unbearable. I have spent the majority of my life with few friends because I am so painfully shy. It takes someone taking an interest in me for me to warm up and become their friend. I feel that once I am able to do that I am no longer so anxious, but it is hard. I hate going to events that I do not know anyone, as I am sure to get sick...anyway, where I am going with this is that Noah "looks" just like me when it comes to this. I am terrified that he is going to end up like me and I do not wish this on anyone. That is why I started him in play therapy last year...he just is not making tremendous progress and it breaks my heart. So, the psychiatrist told me that he needs to be on medicine for his anxiety (and most likely ADHD as well, but we are not there yet). So, Noah was started on Prozac Monday. I just pray that this is the right thing for him...I just want him happy and I want him to have happy memories of his childhood...mostly I just want him to live a life where he does not worry all the time and he is not sad. So, my mother told me I was not allowed to write about this on CaringBridge...I told her I am not ashamed of this, but she obviously is...for now, I will not upset her, so I will only write about it here...I guess I need to pick my battles...this one is not worth it right now. Please pray that Noah does not have any of the side effects of the medicine...I just want him healthy and happy.

Therapy by the scissors...

Saturday, I finally went and did something for myself--I went to get my hair done for the first time in many, many months. I had all sorts of pictures picked out on what I liked, but I was not sure if I really should go through with it. As I showed the pictures to the stylist, she said that she felt it would look good on me and then she started to cut...after she asked me one last time if I was really sure I wanted this. As I saw my hair coming off, tears started to flood my eyes...I loved the hair style, but it was as if so much of the pain, anxiety and stress that I have held on to over the last year and a half was being cut away from me. I was feeling a sense of relief from all the things that have happened since Micah's diagnosis. I am very aware of the fact that I am still terrified, anxious and not fully "functional" yet, but it sure did help cleanse me of some of the stuff that I just could not let go of. Amazingly, the last week or so, I have been incredibly emotional...I am not sure if it has to do with the fact that Grandpa died almost 13 years ago, or if it is because we are coming up on another anniversary of Micah's cath procedure, when he was so sick, or if it is because Micah still is not "healthy" like he was suppose to be. I just know that the tears are flowing freely this week. Anyway, I had about 10 inches of hair chopped off and now I have the "Pob" the Posh bob--it takes me a little more time to do in the mornings, but it is sassy!