Just moving along

I have found myself full of emptiness lately. It is such a strange feeling since I do feel so much love for the kids, but it is this overriding feeling of nothing inside of me. It has gotten to the point where I no longer even get that angry about the things that once upset me (I do still get angry, just not as much). Anyway, it is time that I get put on medicine for this. I have finally made the appointment with the psychiatrist for next Wednesday and I will cave into this enemy of mine, the antidepressant. They are such amazing medicines that help turn lives around, however, I still feel in my core that these medicines are what turned Micah's life struggles into a reality. I continue to hold that guilt, yet I fully understand and comprehend how incredibly IRRATIONAL it is...but I do...I feel that I did this to him and I think that perhaps I have been refusing to get on medicine for so long almost as a way to punish myself even further. I know that the medicines will make me feel better...they have always been able to in the past, but do I truly deserve to feel better? Look at my sweet boy who cannot run around for more than 5 minutes without panting and gasping for breath...it hardly seems fair that I will be able to take a pill with a little water and then poof, all is great in my world...he can't do that...ever...he will always have to struggle. I know that I should not be feeling this, thinking this or even writing it, but I cannot help it. I feel alone, empty and sad...not much else. It is cutting me into small little pieces. I cannot keep up with the house, the kids, our "normal" family activities, and it bothers me.

I know that things can be so much worse in our lives, but I just feel plain rotten...I am so grateful for all the great things that we have in our life, but I still feel such a loss...another big one for me is how badly I want another baby. I know that I cannot handle it right now, too much going on, but I want another one so badly. I cannot part with any of the baby things because I do not want to. I am still young, but what if we had another baby who was sick? I do not think I could handle it...but what if he/she was not? Is it fair to have another baby and then stop having as much time for Micah? Is it fair to the three I have to have another one and have that baby have a heart defect as well? I just don't know...I don't know what to do with these thoughts. My mom who was so against me having anymore kids even mentioned that I am still young and may want to have another one down the road...but if Jonathan does not, then I really can't...I just don't know.

I guess that is where I am, in the land of not knowing...that seems to be where my life has been for over 2 years now. I know that no one can look into the future and tell me anything of how it will be, but some kind of idea of what might happen would be great. I once went to see a psychic...it was when I was dating Jonathan, and I cannot help but think about how so much of what she has said is true. I don't know, maybe I should see another one (I say this half laughing, but half meaning it). I am too afraid of what she could possibly tell me though about Micah. I know, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, but again, true.

I am going to stop typing now, since I sound like a total whack job...crazy loon I am :)

80 year old grandmas

SHOULD NOT, I repeat SHOULD NOT be left outside in Dallas, Texas in July while they wait for their granddaughter to come and get them...even if said granddaughter should be there shortly...grandma's may be difficult and stubborn, but you must tell them the way things are...and that does not include making them wait outside.

Kids

Okay...just want to clarify that I believe that kids should be allowed to be kids while they are young...for example, five and six year olds who are playing a sport should be playing that sport with the intent to learn how to play and not the intent to WIN! They are still young and need to learn how to play in a safe environment without adults making a mockery of that learning curve. Lay off screaming at the kids, coaches and referees until they are at least 7 years old...seriously!!!!!!!!!!1

You may now return to your previously scheduled programming...my vent is over...but don't you fear, there is another one coming in a moment :)