Okay, I am going to be selfish yet again and complain just a bit. I am so tired of people expecting everything from me and then just "taking on" the good things that I have found and cherish.
I know that this does not make tons of sense, but there is a friend that I have that seems to want to take, take, take and can do nothing for herself...literally...a totally dependent person who cannot take a stand on anything. Anyway, I in no way "own" the friends that I have made online...and I have found all these people from others who are going through similar things...but when someone just "latches on" to people so fast, it is irritating to me.
Anyway, I know that this is all irrational, childlike and crazy, but I have just had enough! The people that I follow tend to have similar situations as I do (right heart issues, heart failure, failure to thrive/eat, etc)...there are a bunch that have totally different situations, but I enjoy their blogs and their kids anyway. I just don't feel like someone can sit and give all this "insight" to someone when they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. It is all scary and everything, but until you have walked the path for more than 2 weeks, don't pretend to be an expert. I know that facing any kind of heart problems are scary and emotional, but when your child is the picture of health outside of seeing the cardiologist every 6 months, on no medicine, eating and perfectly healthy in every single other way...you just don't get it.
People who have lived a small portion of this hell and their child was lucky enough to be considered "fixed"...I have no problem with either...especially when they say, "I don't understand what such and such is like, but I am here for you". That is not what I am talking about.
The person I am speaking about does not read this, so if you are reading, you are not this person. I am sorry, I just keep holding on to this and needed to release it even further. One of you have listened to me rant about this many times on the phone, but I just can't seem to get it out enough...it is such a toxic thing for me...as are a few other things that I will be writing about soon as well.
Thanks for letting me vent...please, if I have offended you, I have not meant to...this is truly about one person who I am really struggling with emotionally right now, and like I said, this person is not reading this.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Absurd!
Okay...I never talk politics, because most of my friends are Republican...and I AM NOT! But, I just got this email from someone in my neighborhood and it disturbs me! I am so confused...and it appears that when I go to vote in the next few days, my vote will only count for 75% since I cannot go to the caucus, or I guess I can, but I will have to talk my husband into watching the kids! UG!
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First, if you are new to Texas or if you never noticed before that the Texas Democratic party has a hybrid election for primaries.
Each "early" or "day of" vote in the democratic primary only counts for 75% of a vote. To complete your full ability to support your candidate you must return to the polling location at 7:15 PM to vote in the caucus.
Republicans, on the other hand, follow the traditional primary system, in which the delegate allocations directly reflect the choice made by voters. After the primary closes, again at about 7:15, the republicans will have a precinct convention. This meeting is to elect local officers and reps to the district convention. This is also the meeting in which you can submit items to be voted on locally for submission to the district level. These items if approved at the state level, go in to the state platform.
Precinct conventions
Democrats: 7:15 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans: 7:30 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans will choose the people they send to the next step, which is the March 29 Senatorial district conventions.
Precinct Convention
The precinct convention is the first step in the Party process.
A precinct convention is held on the night of the primary election at each polling place after the polls close. If it is not held at the polling place, notice of where the convention will be held must be posted at the polling place.
Anyone voting in the Primary in that precinct may attend and will be considered a delegate to the precinct convention. If you want to attend your precinct convention, make sure the election clerk stamps your voter registration card with the Party name when you vote. If you do not have your voter registration card at the time, ask for a Certificate of Party Affiliation showing that you voted in the Party's primary. This will make it easier to get into the precinct convention.
The convention generally begins at 7:15 or 7:30 p.m., and is usually called to order by the precinct chairman. If the precinct chairman is absent, any delegate may open the meeting. There is no minimum number of people who must be present to hold the precinct convention. If you are the only person present, ask the election judge for the precinct convention packet, and hold the convention by yourself. The packet will have instructions, and the required paperwork that must be turned in to the local Republican Party headquarters by the date set forth in the packet to be valid.
Delegates to the precinct convention first elect permanent convention officers, usually a convention chairman and secretary. They then elect delegates and alternates to their county or state senatorial district convention. Finally, they consider and vote on any resolutions offered by the delegates.
Here is a link for a Sample Script for Precinct Conventions.
http://www.texasgop.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5742
Each precinct is allocated an equal number of delegates and alternates to the county or senatorial district convention. The number is based on the number of votes the precinct cast for the governor in the last gubernatorial election, taking into account any applicable boundary changes.
Democratic Party Caucus information here:
1. Texas has 193 pledged delegates, as well as 35 unpledged delegates
2. The Statewide Primary vote, by itself, determines no delegates and is merely a "beauty contest," except insofar as it translates into delegates elected in State Senate Districts, or through caucuses (in order to participate in caucuses, one must also have voted in the primary). It is very much possible that whoever wins the sum of the Senatorial District Primaries will not win the majority of Texas' delegates.
3. 126 pledged delegates will be allocated proportionally in 31 separate primary elections conducted in each of Texas' State Senate Districts.
4. 67 pledged delegates will be allocated through Texas' caucus system, the first round of which will be held in precincts across Texas at 7:15 PM on March 4th. 42 of these will be rank and file "at large" delegates, and will ultimately come from ordinary people who participate at their precinct caucuses, while 25 will be party leaders and elected officials (PLEOs).
So in order to support your candidate of choice in the democratic primary as much as possible you must vote in both the primary and caucus. In my humble opinion, this system essentially helps keep the party elite in power.
Detailed process
As a result, Democrats who show up at the polls election night for precinct conventions will be choosing which delegates move forward to senatorial conventions.
But they'll also be choosing which presidential candidate those delegates will be voting for, based on turnout in support for each candidate.
When people first show up, they'll sign in, listing their name and presidential preference.
If a precinct has 10 delegates and 50 people show up -- with 30 for Clinton and 20 for Barack Obama -- then six delegates for Clinton and four for Obama will move on to the senatorial convention. Even if the popular vote for that precient has 99% for Bill Richardson. (If you are for either Mrs. C or Mr. O the numbers are just for illusstration)
Texas' delegate process differs for Republicans and Democrats.
Democrats:
Total: Texas will send 228 delegates to this year's Democratic National Convention.
Breakdown: 126 of those delegates will vote for candidates based on election results, representing the state's 31 senatorial districts.
Special delegates: 35 will be superdelegates, mostly elected or high-ranking officials, who are all unpledged and may back whichever candidate they choose.
Caucus: The remaining 67 delegates will be chosen through the caucus system. Forty-two will be rank-and-file, at-large Democrats, and 25 will be leaders and elected officials.
Republicans:
Total: Texas will send 140 delegates to this year's Republican National Convention.
Breakdown: 96 will vote for candidates based on election results, three for each of the state's 32 congressional districts. The person who gets more than half the vote in a congressional district gets all three delegates voting for him. If no one gets 50 percent, then the person with more than 20 percent gets all the candidates.
Special delegates: 41 at-large delegates who will be chosen by the overall state results. Three "unbound" delegates can choose whichever candidate they want.
Sources: Lone Star Project report, House Research Organization, Texas Democratic Party, Republican Party of Texas, Fort Worth Star Telegram
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Anyone else confused?????????????? I sure am! I guess I will just take my 75% and go vote...have not decided which one I am going with yet though...Hillary or Obama...a quiz I took online said for me to go with Obama...but I am just not sure!!! UG! I still have some time.
For all my republican friends...we just will continue to NOT talk politics.
***********************************************************************************
First, if you are new to Texas or if you never noticed before that the Texas Democratic party has a hybrid election for primaries.
Each "early" or "day of" vote in the democratic primary only counts for 75% of a vote. To complete your full ability to support your candidate you must return to the polling location at 7:15 PM to vote in the caucus.
Republicans, on the other hand, follow the traditional primary system, in which the delegate allocations directly reflect the choice made by voters. After the primary closes, again at about 7:15, the republicans will have a precinct convention. This meeting is to elect local officers and reps to the district convention. This is also the meeting in which you can submit items to be voted on locally for submission to the district level. These items if approved at the state level, go in to the state platform.
Precinct conventions
Democrats: 7:15 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans: 7:30 p.m. March 4 at the voting precincts
Republicans will choose the people they send to the next step, which is the March 29 Senatorial district conventions.
Precinct Convention
The precinct convention is the first step in the Party process.
A precinct convention is held on the night of the primary election at each polling place after the polls close. If it is not held at the polling place, notice of where the convention will be held must be posted at the polling place.
Anyone voting in the Primary in that precinct may attend and will be considered a delegate to the precinct convention. If you want to attend your precinct convention, make sure the election clerk stamps your voter registration card with the Party name when you vote. If you do not have your voter registration card at the time, ask for a Certificate of Party Affiliation showing that you voted in the Party's primary. This will make it easier to get into the precinct convention.
The convention generally begins at 7:15 or 7:30 p.m., and is usually called to order by the precinct chairman. If the precinct chairman is absent, any delegate may open the meeting. There is no minimum number of people who must be present to hold the precinct convention. If you are the only person present, ask the election judge for the precinct convention packet, and hold the convention by yourself. The packet will have instructions, and the required paperwork that must be turned in to the local Republican Party headquarters by the date set forth in the packet to be valid.
Delegates to the precinct convention first elect permanent convention officers, usually a convention chairman and secretary. They then elect delegates and alternates to their county or state senatorial district convention. Finally, they consider and vote on any resolutions offered by the delegates.
Here is a link for a Sample Script for Precinct Conventions.
http://www.texasgop.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5742
Each precinct is allocated an equal number of delegates and alternates to the county or senatorial district convention. The number is based on the number of votes the precinct cast for the governor in the last gubernatorial election, taking into account any applicable boundary changes.
Democratic Party Caucus information here:
1. Texas has 193 pledged delegates, as well as 35 unpledged delegates
2. The Statewide Primary vote, by itself, determines no delegates and is merely a "beauty contest," except insofar as it translates into delegates elected in State Senate Districts, or through caucuses (in order to participate in caucuses, one must also have voted in the primary). It is very much possible that whoever wins the sum of the Senatorial District Primaries will not win the majority of Texas' delegates.
3. 126 pledged delegates will be allocated proportionally in 31 separate primary elections conducted in each of Texas' State Senate Districts.
4. 67 pledged delegates will be allocated through Texas' caucus system, the first round of which will be held in precincts across Texas at 7:15 PM on March 4th. 42 of these will be rank and file "at large" delegates, and will ultimately come from ordinary people who participate at their precinct caucuses, while 25 will be party leaders and elected officials (PLEOs).
So in order to support your candidate of choice in the democratic primary as much as possible you must vote in both the primary and caucus. In my humble opinion, this system essentially helps keep the party elite in power.
Detailed process
As a result, Democrats who show up at the polls election night for precinct conventions will be choosing which delegates move forward to senatorial conventions.
But they'll also be choosing which presidential candidate those delegates will be voting for, based on turnout in support for each candidate.
When people first show up, they'll sign in, listing their name and presidential preference.
If a precinct has 10 delegates and 50 people show up -- with 30 for Clinton and 20 for Barack Obama -- then six delegates for Clinton and four for Obama will move on to the senatorial convention. Even if the popular vote for that precient has 99% for Bill Richardson. (If you are for either Mrs. C or Mr. O the numbers are just for illusstration)
Texas' delegate process differs for Republicans and Democrats.
Democrats:
Total: Texas will send 228 delegates to this year's Democratic National Convention.
Breakdown: 126 of those delegates will vote for candidates based on election results, representing the state's 31 senatorial districts.
Special delegates: 35 will be superdelegates, mostly elected or high-ranking officials, who are all unpledged and may back whichever candidate they choose.
Caucus: The remaining 67 delegates will be chosen through the caucus system. Forty-two will be rank-and-file, at-large Democrats, and 25 will be leaders and elected officials.
Republicans:
Total: Texas will send 140 delegates to this year's Republican National Convention.
Breakdown: 96 will vote for candidates based on election results, three for each of the state's 32 congressional districts. The person who gets more than half the vote in a congressional district gets all three delegates voting for him. If no one gets 50 percent, then the person with more than 20 percent gets all the candidates.
Special delegates: 41 at-large delegates who will be chosen by the overall state results. Three "unbound" delegates can choose whichever candidate they want.
Sources: Lone Star Project report, House Research Organization, Texas Democratic Party, Republican Party of Texas, Fort Worth Star Telegram
************************************************************************************
Anyone else confused?????????????? I sure am! I guess I will just take my 75% and go vote...have not decided which one I am going with yet though...Hillary or Obama...a quiz I took online said for me to go with Obama...but I am just not sure!!! UG! I still have some time.
For all my republican friends...we just will continue to NOT talk politics.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Only so much
There is only so much I can do. I have decided that I cannot do anymore in my life. I have been dealing for almost two years with this loss of control that is Micah's heart/life. I have always had serious control issues and now they are coming out even more so due to all the stress. I have always over-committed myself with the hope that I would could be this incredibly strong person (which I am not) and I do this in order to attempt to gain some control back in my life.
I want to be able to help other families (support them), but I cannot do it all. I cannot be the person who is the "go to" all the time when there are problems. I do not have it in me to take care of anyone else. I can only take care of my family and myself.
I am so thankful for this family that I feel a part of in the CHD world. These friends that I have never met offer such real support and friendship and seem to understand what I am going through. These women who most I have never met, are the ones who are pulling me through all my stuff...it's those that are "close" to me that I am struggling with.
I simply want to be allowed to feel my feelings and take care of all the things in my own world without having to be the "mother" to those that are grown adults, though I know and understand that they have their issues as well. I know that they are here to help, but I feel that I "owe it to them" to return favors, and I cannot. I am tearing at the seams and I cannot seem to stop it. I feel myself separating from others and I think that I have to in order for my survival. I know that this sounds bizarre, but for just a little bit, I have to "be free".
I would like to stop and say thank you though to those of you who are here for me and who let me be myself and not expect more from me than I can offer. Thank you for letting me empty my brain and get it out...that is not a luxury that I have been allowing myself for many years now.
I want to be able to help other families (support them), but I cannot do it all. I cannot be the person who is the "go to" all the time when there are problems. I do not have it in me to take care of anyone else. I can only take care of my family and myself.
I am so thankful for this family that I feel a part of in the CHD world. These friends that I have never met offer such real support and friendship and seem to understand what I am going through. These women who most I have never met, are the ones who are pulling me through all my stuff...it's those that are "close" to me that I am struggling with.
I simply want to be allowed to feel my feelings and take care of all the things in my own world without having to be the "mother" to those that are grown adults, though I know and understand that they have their issues as well. I know that they are here to help, but I feel that I "owe it to them" to return favors, and I cannot. I am tearing at the seams and I cannot seem to stop it. I feel myself separating from others and I think that I have to in order for my survival. I know that this sounds bizarre, but for just a little bit, I have to "be free".
I would like to stop and say thank you though to those of you who are here for me and who let me be myself and not expect more from me than I can offer. Thank you for letting me empty my brain and get it out...that is not a luxury that I have been allowing myself for many years now.
Monday, February 11, 2008
To work or not to work...
Okay, I am sitting here with such incredibly mixed emotions on so many levels, I just do not even know where to start, so I guess I will start with the dilemma of becoming a working mom once again.
I knew when Noah was born that there was no doubt I was going back to work (Jonathan really wanted me to, plus I thought that was what I wanted...I was wrong). Anyway, I went back to work when Noah was about 13 weeks old and I missed him terribly, but I think that having him in daycare was so great for him. Looking back, I realize how much further along he got with being in a school and not staying home with me. When I got pregnant with Leah, I drew up all these plans on how we could afford for me to stay home, what I would do with the kids all day, menus blah, blah, blah. Well, she came and it was SO NOT what I had planned. I could not get anything together and still to this day feel overwhelmed and unable to have some sense of peace and tranquility in the everyday things. Things only intensified when I became pregnant with Micah and was so terribly sick for the first trimester and then finding out at 23 weeks he had a broken heart certainly did not help.
I guess where I am going with this is that I think I was able to hold everything together better when I was working...but of course, I can only compare that to having one child to care for and the fact that he was not/is not a high maintenance child (healthy). Micah keeps me so incredibly busy with doctors, therapies and worries, that I do not even know if I could ethically start a job because of knowing that I would have to miss so much work...and it has to be me who misses work because Jonathan is the one who has to have his job...he makes the big bucks and carries the awesome insurance policy that has NO LIFETIME MAX!
Seeing that I am in school, I feel that desire to get back to work. I love going to my internship and helping others. I have wanted to be a therapist since I was 14 or 15 years old...this is all I have ever wanted to do. The thing that is just killing me is the fact that I already have the masters needed to do this, but now I need the school counseling part as well. I just feel like I am wasting time in the whole education world (my education), but I only have these 3 semesters left, so I cannot stop. I want to be able to drop Micah off and go to work, but I don't. I just do not know what I want and need. I do know that I do not want to send him to a daycare. I think I have found someone who can watch him on Wednesday's for me while I go to school and who will watch the kids on Saturday's when Jon is out of town, but I am so scared. No one knows him as well as I do.
So, that is my dilemma...to work or not to work. I have been presented with an opportunity to apply for a school counselor position next fall, but Jonathan and I do not think that Micah is ready to go to a preschool full time by any means. I do not even think he can do part time, but he will have to for me to at least do a part time internship at a school. So here I will sit and live in this world of "I just do not know"
I knew when Noah was born that there was no doubt I was going back to work (Jonathan really wanted me to, plus I thought that was what I wanted...I was wrong). Anyway, I went back to work when Noah was about 13 weeks old and I missed him terribly, but I think that having him in daycare was so great for him. Looking back, I realize how much further along he got with being in a school and not staying home with me. When I got pregnant with Leah, I drew up all these plans on how we could afford for me to stay home, what I would do with the kids all day, menus blah, blah, blah. Well, she came and it was SO NOT what I had planned. I could not get anything together and still to this day feel overwhelmed and unable to have some sense of peace and tranquility in the everyday things. Things only intensified when I became pregnant with Micah and was so terribly sick for the first trimester and then finding out at 23 weeks he had a broken heart certainly did not help.
I guess where I am going with this is that I think I was able to hold everything together better when I was working...but of course, I can only compare that to having one child to care for and the fact that he was not/is not a high maintenance child (healthy). Micah keeps me so incredibly busy with doctors, therapies and worries, that I do not even know if I could ethically start a job because of knowing that I would have to miss so much work...and it has to be me who misses work because Jonathan is the one who has to have his job...he makes the big bucks and carries the awesome insurance policy that has NO LIFETIME MAX!
Seeing that I am in school, I feel that desire to get back to work. I love going to my internship and helping others. I have wanted to be a therapist since I was 14 or 15 years old...this is all I have ever wanted to do. The thing that is just killing me is the fact that I already have the masters needed to do this, but now I need the school counseling part as well. I just feel like I am wasting time in the whole education world (my education), but I only have these 3 semesters left, so I cannot stop. I want to be able to drop Micah off and go to work, but I don't. I just do not know what I want and need. I do know that I do not want to send him to a daycare. I think I have found someone who can watch him on Wednesday's for me while I go to school and who will watch the kids on Saturday's when Jon is out of town, but I am so scared. No one knows him as well as I do.
So, that is my dilemma...to work or not to work. I have been presented with an opportunity to apply for a school counselor position next fall, but Jonathan and I do not think that Micah is ready to go to a preschool full time by any means. I do not even think he can do part time, but he will have to for me to at least do a part time internship at a school. So here I will sit and live in this world of "I just do not know"
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