The bright side...

As I sit here and write this, I am trying really hard to do as my mom tells me to do and see the bright side of things. That is not so easy to do right now. As much as I love and adore my kids and see them as perfect, it is hard to admit to myself that they are not, nor am I. I give my kids so much love, probably spoiling them more than anyone ever should and not being the best disciplinarian. I have not set stable rules that I follow all the time and I have certainly done more wrong over the last four and a half years then I would like to admit. I am sorry that this is such a depressing post, as most of them have been (sad that I have been so depressed lately). I want to be happy, but it seems that I keep looking at myself and wondering what exactly I am doing wrong to where my kids are not totally normal kids. I look first at Micah who obviously has his heart problem history and his seizures, then I look at Leah who is for the most part fine, but quiet and stuck in the middle, and then there is Noah who is so angry and sad all the time. I seem to have hit a brick wall with Noah, not knowing what to do next. He has days that he is absolutely perfect--loving, caring, adorable and sweet and then there are days that he is all of the prior and also angry, sad, anxious and out of control. My mom tells me it is just him and that this is what all four year olds do. Well, I know that this is not the case, that he is different, he is special. He is so incredibly smart that I believe he is above and beyond my level of intelligence most of the time. He sees something one time and he masters it. He can figure out just about anything that is presented to him. He is just amazing. I just want him to be happy. I do not mind tantrums-trust me, Leah and Micah are professionals with the tantrums, but Noah's scare me--I actually have sat and wondered to myself if when I put him in his room to settle down if he is going to find a way to hurt himself. If he gets quiet in there, I run in to make sure he is okay. I know that these are not normal fears of a mother and that the things he is doing are not normal for a four year old. I am glad that he sees a play therapist for this, but I am angry at myself for passing this on to him. I am not sure exactly what is going on with him, but I am pretty sure that my history of depression has not helped in this. I also know that all my anxiety has been passed on to him and I am so angry at myself for this as well. Just as I am angry at myself for taking antidepressants before knowing that I was pregnant with Micah, which I stopped the moment that I found out I was pregnant, but I took them during his heart development--so I am sure in my own heart that I broke his. I will not stop being the loving mom I am to the kids. I have to find a way to make myself happy again. It just seems that the only thing that makes me happy anymore are the smiles that I get from Noah, Leah & Micah. I only wish that I could find more in my life to make me happy as well and help make myself whole so that I can be a better mom to the kids and a better wife to Jonathan.

Life

I have only lost three very close people to me, my great aunt, my great grandma and my grandfather. I was very young when my great aunt and great grandmother passed away, but I remember feeling sad without really understanding it. I also lost a cousin last year who I loved dearly, but did not know very well as he lived in St. Louis, he was much younger than me and we only saw each other at family events. When my grandfather passed away unexpectedly my sophmore year of college, it was devastating to me. I remember feeling so out of control angry and having these feelings of despair run through my body. I locked myself in the bedroom for hours at a time and cried until I could not breathe. I remember being so angry with G-d for taking my grandpa away and refusing to speak to the rabbi, who my mom begged to speak to me. I cried and I cried thinking that the pain would never go away. The pain has lessened over the last 11 years, but I still find myself missing him and wishing that he could have met my beautiful babies. Noah was named after him (well his Hebrew name of Baruch) and he remains one of my heroes in life. I look for him at every important event in my life and he presents himself to me as a cardinal that will fly by or sing in a tree outside my house. As a matter of fact, I just saw two cardinals last week fly in front of my car as I drove to pick the kids up from school. He has an amazing ability to come into my life and let me know that everything will be alright.

This is all hitting me hard today, as I have just learned of a heart baby's entry to heaven. There has been a family that our support group has been following and helping out over the last few weeks as their precious son (3 years old) struggled to hold on for life. He had HLHS and he went to heaven today. As I sit here thinking about him and my own children I realize how fragile life is. We do not know how much time we will be given with those that we love so it is so important that we cherish the good, the bad and the unexpected. My heart goes out to this family and any family that has lost a child. I cannot even begin to imagine the sense of loss and despair that goes along with losing your child. I feel such pain when one of my kids is sick, so I cannot even begin to imagine how one feels when their child is taken from them.

I will cherish every moment that I have with my family and friends and I will give more hugs and kisses to those in my life and make sure that they know how much I love and appreciate them in my life.

Seven Years

On June 11, Jonathan and I celebrated our 7th anniversary, or should I say that I celebrated with the kids and he was in Germany on business, so we really have not celebrated yet. I was really bummed that he left on the 10th when he had discussed not leaving until the 11th or 12th this time around, but there was really very little that I could say about it. At least this job allows us to live in a great house and allows me to stay at home with the kiddos. Anyway, it has been a crazy 7 years for sure. The last year has been very trying for us, but I do know that we will make it through as Micah gets healthier and healthier and we don't have to worry about him as much (as if that will ever happen-I worry nonstop about all three of them and there is almost nothing wrong with Noah & Leah).

Mommy moment

I have to say that there is not a single thing that I enjoy more than the moment that I have all three of my babies cuddle up next to me as they try to fall asleep at night. I absolutely love it when Noah & Leah want to play with my hair to help them fall asleep, all while Micah is trying to pull on my hair as well. I love every single minute that I am given with these kids (even if the majority of the time I am asking myself if I can really do this). They are such amazing people and I love watching them grow.

Computer person, me???

Okay, so I know how to do all the basics with the computer--well I know how to use it, but on Wednesday when my internet went bye-bye, I totally freaked out! I tried to do all the things that Jonathan does when it goes out with no success. I called my dad, who got annoyed with me (big surprise). So I called AT&T and they assured me that there was nothing wrong with the DSL or the modem. Well, after an hour of troubleshooting that afternoon with no success, I lost patience and moved on to calling Jonathan in Germany and complaining! Mind you, it was close to midnight his time, but I deserve some attention right? He could not help me either, so the next morning I go to my friends house to check my email and return some emails. Her husband had sympathy for me (I was going nuts not being able to read blogs and check email) so he came over and loaned me his wireless pcs card so that I could stay in the loop a little bit. That day I spent another 4 hours trying to troubleshoot the DSL problem only to be told that it was indeed the modem. I did not have time that day to go buy a new one so it had to wait until yesterday--I bought the new one, called AT&T and I managed to get the internet working at my house once again! YEAH ME! Okay, sorry to have bored you about this story, but it consumed so much of my time this week that I had to talk about it.