1. Be kinder to Jonathan
2. Spend at least 1 ALONE hour with each of the kids every week doing something fun and enjoyable for us both.
3. Go on a date with Jonathan at least once a month…with NO kids!
4. Keep my closet clean and clothes hung up
5. Keep up with the kids clothes
6. Make enough time each week to do something for the Heart Support Group.
7. Do better with my administrative duties for Bundles of Snuggles.
8. Try to watch my diet…more for health and not for weight
9. Take at least 20 minutes of every day to just enjoy the good of life and not worry.
10. Find a job with Frisco ISD as a school counselor
11. Reconnect with friends that need my support
12. Continue to work on reducing the monthly budget.
13. I am going to find a way to not let the whining and bickering get to me. I am going to remind myself that at least I have my three kids here with me, so I am blessed to hear the whining and bickering.
14. This will be the year that I will find a way to forgive myself for Micah’s heart…intellectually I know I did not cause it, but I have still not been able to forgive myself…so this WILL be the year that this happens, somehow!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Awful Dream
Jonathan and I fight like cats and dogs and we seem to agree on about 5% of everything, but I love him like crazy. I guess I was not really realizing or respecting the amount of love I have for him until last night. I had an awful dream that he had an affair and he actually left me. Now, this is something that I really do not imagine him ever doing, but it scared the shit out of me. It was one of those dreams that wake you up sweating and in tears. It did not help that he was not here when it happened either, which makes for even more nerves. Anyway, it was so realistic and I really felt that I had lost him. Gives me some new perspective on how I need to change the way I talk to him and treat him...even though he drives me crazy :)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Pride
Well, this is something that I have not felt about myself in quite some time, but last night it hit me, and I am finding it hard to not have a smile on my face. I have been very conscious that the other women in my class are much better counselors than I am and I have been feeling rather insecure. I am feeling so much better after my tape that I showed last night. My professor spoke with me after my presentation and told me that he would prefer that I bring my "crappy" work to school so that he can help me grow...he said that the tape I showed yesterday was very well done...much further in the learning process than he expected to see and that "I got it". I am beaming with pride for myself for the first time in ages...I am proud that I get it...especially since I was doubting myself yet again on what my career choice is. I have always wanted to be a counselor, but I doubt myself so often. I think that just his reinforcement that I can do it, that I AM doing it, helps me realize that the other girls in the class are not way better than me, that I am right there with them and I do not have to worry about looking like a major failure in front of them. That is my next big task...SELF ESTEEM!!! I stink at that one :)
Monday, October 20, 2008
Parenting
The day I learned my third child was going to be born with a broken heart did not change me. No, nothing different happened except for the fear of him not making it through delivery. I had hope. Hope that he would be born healthy; hope that he would not need surgery like the cardiologist promised and hope that my life would remain the same. That hope is dead now. I still have hope, but it is a different kind and on a whole new level. This hope was born about two hours after Micah, when I heard he would require open-heart surgery after all. Then, at that moment, my hopes for my baby at that moment turned to the hope that he would make it to his room “one day” that he would make it out of surgery, that he would live. Parents are not suppose to actually think in their minds for a moment that their child might not make it.
My life changed, I no longer held the hope of a “normal” universe, it turned to the hope that I could just hold on. After all, there were two more, equally as important and incredible people who needed me at home. Micah was struggling to live, to breathe, to be. Noah and Leah were born perfect, perfect in every way. Sure I worried about them, I am a worrier after all, but my worries all changed that day. Looking back, I messed up, but at the same time, I did not. My two oldest babies needed me, but I could not leave my fragile baby alone in the hospital hanging on for his life. In that moment, I abandoned them, they were without their mom for about three and a half weeks physically, but I checked out emotionally for much longer than that. I was a screaming fool who could not control my range of emotions, so I simply stayed angry and sad all the time. I feel guilty for possibly causing Micah’s heart defect, but I also feel guilty for not being there for Noah and Leah, they needed me too, that is the mom’s job. I also feel horrible at how I have spoken to them, yelled at them and expected them to understand what I was feeling, that is not their job, they are just kids, kids who need a “healthy” mom and not one who is going to freak out if they spill their cup of milk on the floor.
Anyway, I am struggling with something, how can I treat Micah the same way as I treat Noah and Leah when I fear all the time for Micah’s life? All these heart kids can be just fine one minutes and gone the next-poof-gone dead, forever out of their parents arms, so how do I do it? I want him to have a normal life and not to be defined by his heart, but how do I let it go for just a little bit? How do I just let him be and not worry about him overexerting himself or overdoing it? I just need someone to tell me the easy answer, because I am not finding my answers anywhere, I cannot find a way to stop feeling this way. I hate that I worry about my baby leaving me. I am scared of everything with all the kids, but it is magnified by about 2 trillion with Micah. What will I do when he is old enough to make bigger decisions about his life and I do not have the ability to keep him as safe? Oh my, I do not even want to think about that!
Another thing, why do I get angry with my healthy kids when they complain about a little scrape on their knees…their brother had his chest pried open when he was only three days old-TWICE, and he wakes up every single morning with a smile and laugh. He never complains long about any injury he gets…little or big, he is thankful. I feel awful that I do not worry about a little cough or fever with them like I do with Micah after all they are healthy. I don’t think parents of “healthy” kids get it, not one bit. I don’t even think that many try even when they have a dear friend who has a child with a chronic illness. Let’s be totally honest here, I use to worry about my kids getting really sick, we all do that, but you know what? I had no idea that kids are born sick and the fear that is born into the hearts of these chronic kids. I don’t think some people realize that every night when I go to sleep I pray for Micah to live through the night so that I can have his smiling perfect personality in my life for one more day. I do not think that parents who have not watched their child fight for their life realize the fear that is instilled on a parent when parents have to sign a waiver that says that their child MAY not come out surgery or that some kind of tragic side effect could happen in surgery that may cause permanent damage to your child. A parent who has only had to deal with the common cold or low-grade fever does not understand or realize what a parent of a chronic child experiences. It is awful and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about what Micah has gone through.
I had a friend ask me a few weeks ago if I was okay. My reply to her was sad but incredibly true in that I do not think I will ever be okay again. I can be happy yes, but I will never be okay…how can a parent who lives with the possibility of their child’s heart stopping at any moment be okay? How can I not think about every activity I share with Micah being the last activity we will share together? I understand that we are not promised any tomorrows, any of us, but the fact that Micah has that much more stacked against him makes it that much more difficult for me. If I let my guard down something comes back and slaps me in the face, so it is better for me to be hyper vigilant with every detail of Micah’s life, it helps me…I am prepared and I have some control. I am able to make sure that he gets the care he needs, when he needs it, not when it is too late. This crazy behavior makes me sane in some way, it helps me realize that I can control what I am able to control and I have to leave the rest up to my belief that G-d will take care of my family. I have to believe that, but I will say that is hard too. So many bad things happen to good people and it is hard to deal with, really hard.
To make matters even worse, the relationship between the parents of this sick kid changes. All of our hopes and dreams for our kids change and we are faced with dealing with all the medical bull shit that we have to learn about and understand. There is resentment and anger and tons of frustration with one another. There are misunderstandings and fights that should never take place and there is the bitterness that is expressed throughout every day. I know that I am blamed for Micah’s heart on some levels…he has never come out and said it, but I can tell. I can see it in his eyes and through his words. I am angry with him for not learning more about the medical stuff and for telling me “things will be just fine”. No one knows that, no one. A child’s illness changes a marriage, it is inevitable. Parents should not have to deal with this, but we do, every damn day, every day. We never get a vacation from the illness, we can vacation, but the disease follows us, it has been born into our hearts and our souls and we will never have a day that goes by ever again where we do not have some sense of worry about Micah’s heart. This can and does destroy marriages, but I know that ours is strong enough, we will fight and re-find each other and we can be happy again, it will just take time and a lot of work. We are struggling hard now, but we will make it.
Okay, I guess I feel a little better now, not much, but at least I got some of this out of my system.
My life changed, I no longer held the hope of a “normal” universe, it turned to the hope that I could just hold on. After all, there were two more, equally as important and incredible people who needed me at home. Micah was struggling to live, to breathe, to be. Noah and Leah were born perfect, perfect in every way. Sure I worried about them, I am a worrier after all, but my worries all changed that day. Looking back, I messed up, but at the same time, I did not. My two oldest babies needed me, but I could not leave my fragile baby alone in the hospital hanging on for his life. In that moment, I abandoned them, they were without their mom for about three and a half weeks physically, but I checked out emotionally for much longer than that. I was a screaming fool who could not control my range of emotions, so I simply stayed angry and sad all the time. I feel guilty for possibly causing Micah’s heart defect, but I also feel guilty for not being there for Noah and Leah, they needed me too, that is the mom’s job. I also feel horrible at how I have spoken to them, yelled at them and expected them to understand what I was feeling, that is not their job, they are just kids, kids who need a “healthy” mom and not one who is going to freak out if they spill their cup of milk on the floor.
Anyway, I am struggling with something, how can I treat Micah the same way as I treat Noah and Leah when I fear all the time for Micah’s life? All these heart kids can be just fine one minutes and gone the next-poof-gone dead, forever out of their parents arms, so how do I do it? I want him to have a normal life and not to be defined by his heart, but how do I let it go for just a little bit? How do I just let him be and not worry about him overexerting himself or overdoing it? I just need someone to tell me the easy answer, because I am not finding my answers anywhere, I cannot find a way to stop feeling this way. I hate that I worry about my baby leaving me. I am scared of everything with all the kids, but it is magnified by about 2 trillion with Micah. What will I do when he is old enough to make bigger decisions about his life and I do not have the ability to keep him as safe? Oh my, I do not even want to think about that!
Another thing, why do I get angry with my healthy kids when they complain about a little scrape on their knees…their brother had his chest pried open when he was only three days old-TWICE, and he wakes up every single morning with a smile and laugh. He never complains long about any injury he gets…little or big, he is thankful. I feel awful that I do not worry about a little cough or fever with them like I do with Micah after all they are healthy. I don’t think parents of “healthy” kids get it, not one bit. I don’t even think that many try even when they have a dear friend who has a child with a chronic illness. Let’s be totally honest here, I use to worry about my kids getting really sick, we all do that, but you know what? I had no idea that kids are born sick and the fear that is born into the hearts of these chronic kids. I don’t think some people realize that every night when I go to sleep I pray for Micah to live through the night so that I can have his smiling perfect personality in my life for one more day. I do not think that parents who have not watched their child fight for their life realize the fear that is instilled on a parent when parents have to sign a waiver that says that their child MAY not come out surgery or that some kind of tragic side effect could happen in surgery that may cause permanent damage to your child. A parent who has only had to deal with the common cold or low-grade fever does not understand or realize what a parent of a chronic child experiences. It is awful and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about what Micah has gone through.
I had a friend ask me a few weeks ago if I was okay. My reply to her was sad but incredibly true in that I do not think I will ever be okay again. I can be happy yes, but I will never be okay…how can a parent who lives with the possibility of their child’s heart stopping at any moment be okay? How can I not think about every activity I share with Micah being the last activity we will share together? I understand that we are not promised any tomorrows, any of us, but the fact that Micah has that much more stacked against him makes it that much more difficult for me. If I let my guard down something comes back and slaps me in the face, so it is better for me to be hyper vigilant with every detail of Micah’s life, it helps me…I am prepared and I have some control. I am able to make sure that he gets the care he needs, when he needs it, not when it is too late. This crazy behavior makes me sane in some way, it helps me realize that I can control what I am able to control and I have to leave the rest up to my belief that G-d will take care of my family. I have to believe that, but I will say that is hard too. So many bad things happen to good people and it is hard to deal with, really hard.
To make matters even worse, the relationship between the parents of this sick kid changes. All of our hopes and dreams for our kids change and we are faced with dealing with all the medical bull shit that we have to learn about and understand. There is resentment and anger and tons of frustration with one another. There are misunderstandings and fights that should never take place and there is the bitterness that is expressed throughout every day. I know that I am blamed for Micah’s heart on some levels…he has never come out and said it, but I can tell. I can see it in his eyes and through his words. I am angry with him for not learning more about the medical stuff and for telling me “things will be just fine”. No one knows that, no one. A child’s illness changes a marriage, it is inevitable. Parents should not have to deal with this, but we do, every damn day, every day. We never get a vacation from the illness, we can vacation, but the disease follows us, it has been born into our hearts and our souls and we will never have a day that goes by ever again where we do not have some sense of worry about Micah’s heart. This can and does destroy marriages, but I know that ours is strong enough, we will fight and re-find each other and we can be happy again, it will just take time and a lot of work. We are struggling hard now, but we will make it.
Okay, I guess I feel a little better now, not much, but at least I got some of this out of my system.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Long time!
Well, I have been pretty much a basket case for awhile, but I am hoping to turn it all around. I am not going to write too much about that, but I thought it would be fun to write 25 things about me...I got the idea from another blog that I read.
1. I adore my precious babies (they will ALWAYS be my babies, no matter what they say)
2. I love dogs...almost all of them...not mean ones, but I think that they are the cutest most loyal creatures in the universe.
3. I could NEVER be a vegetarian...I love beef way too much
4. I know way more about the heart and pediatric medicine than I ever care to know
5. I take on WAY too much...all the time and still take on more!
6. I cannot keep a clean/straight house and will always rely on my cleaning girl for all of eternity
7. I love watching fireworks
8. It was just brought to my attention today that I cannot remember the day I received my engagement ring...I do remember the day he proposed, but the actual ring receival was not that important to me...crazy huh?
9. I am painfully shy
10. which makes it horrendously difficult for me to make friends...which is why I do not have very many friends
11. I truly want to help the people that I work with in counseling them
12. I am not as religious as I would like to be
13. I am a pure blooded Democrat it is in my core belief system
14. I cannot even begin to imagine what a woman must go through inside herself to make a choice to abort a baby...babies are such a gift and such miracles
15. I love Disney World. I especially love taking the kids there and seeing them get so happy and giddy about the entire experience.
16. I fear daily of losing one of my kids
17. I love to cook, but never seem to find the time
18. Jonathan does not like any foods that I like to cook, so I guess that is why I can't find the time ;)
19. I went from NEVER wanting to be a SAHM to PLEADING with Jonathan to let me stay home to WANTING to go back to pure UNCERTAINTY about it all around.
20. I LOVE the beach...but hate going in the ocean.
21. I feel a lot of pain but will not ask for help
22. I am terrified of airplanes...terrified.
23. I love watching the kids get so excited about something so small, but to see that in their eyes it is HUGE!
24. I believe in Happily Ever After (but I think that there are so many obstacles along the way)...I DO NOT believe in divorce...there are only a few reasons I think it is okay
25. I love my family so much! I would be totally lost without each and everyone of them in my life.
So there it is...a few things about me.
1. I adore my precious babies (they will ALWAYS be my babies, no matter what they say)
2. I love dogs...almost all of them...not mean ones, but I think that they are the cutest most loyal creatures in the universe.
3. I could NEVER be a vegetarian...I love beef way too much
4. I know way more about the heart and pediatric medicine than I ever care to know
5. I take on WAY too much...all the time and still take on more!
6. I cannot keep a clean/straight house and will always rely on my cleaning girl for all of eternity
7. I love watching fireworks
8. It was just brought to my attention today that I cannot remember the day I received my engagement ring...I do remember the day he proposed, but the actual ring receival was not that important to me...crazy huh?
9. I am painfully shy
10. which makes it horrendously difficult for me to make friends...which is why I do not have very many friends
11. I truly want to help the people that I work with in counseling them
12. I am not as religious as I would like to be
13. I am a pure blooded Democrat it is in my core belief system
14. I cannot even begin to imagine what a woman must go through inside herself to make a choice to abort a baby...babies are such a gift and such miracles
15. I love Disney World. I especially love taking the kids there and seeing them get so happy and giddy about the entire experience.
16. I fear daily of losing one of my kids
17. I love to cook, but never seem to find the time
18. Jonathan does not like any foods that I like to cook, so I guess that is why I can't find the time ;)
19. I went from NEVER wanting to be a SAHM to PLEADING with Jonathan to let me stay home to WANTING to go back to pure UNCERTAINTY about it all around.
20. I LOVE the beach...but hate going in the ocean.
21. I feel a lot of pain but will not ask for help
22. I am terrified of airplanes...terrified.
23. I love watching the kids get so excited about something so small, but to see that in their eyes it is HUGE!
24. I believe in Happily Ever After (but I think that there are so many obstacles along the way)...I DO NOT believe in divorce...there are only a few reasons I think it is okay
25. I love my family so much! I would be totally lost without each and everyone of them in my life.
So there it is...a few things about me.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Just moving along
I have found myself full of emptiness lately. It is such a strange feeling since I do feel so much love for the kids, but it is this overriding feeling of nothing inside of me. It has gotten to the point where I no longer even get that angry about the things that once upset me (I do still get angry, just not as much). Anyway, it is time that I get put on medicine for this. I have finally made the appointment with the psychiatrist for next Wednesday and I will cave into this enemy of mine, the antidepressant. They are such amazing medicines that help turn lives around, however, I still feel in my core that these medicines are what turned Micah's life struggles into a reality. I continue to hold that guilt, yet I fully understand and comprehend how incredibly IRRATIONAL it is...but I do...I feel that I did this to him and I think that perhaps I have been refusing to get on medicine for so long almost as a way to punish myself even further. I know that the medicines will make me feel better...they have always been able to in the past, but do I truly deserve to feel better? Look at my sweet boy who cannot run around for more than 5 minutes without panting and gasping for breath...it hardly seems fair that I will be able to take a pill with a little water and then poof, all is great in my world...he can't do that...ever...he will always have to struggle. I know that I should not be feeling this, thinking this or even writing it, but I cannot help it. I feel alone, empty and sad...not much else. It is cutting me into small little pieces. I cannot keep up with the house, the kids, our "normal" family activities, and it bothers me.
I know that things can be so much worse in our lives, but I just feel plain rotten...I am so grateful for all the great things that we have in our life, but I still feel such a loss...another big one for me is how badly I want another baby. I know that I cannot handle it right now, too much going on, but I want another one so badly. I cannot part with any of the baby things because I do not want to. I am still young, but what if we had another baby who was sick? I do not think I could handle it...but what if he/she was not? Is it fair to have another baby and then stop having as much time for Micah? Is it fair to the three I have to have another one and have that baby have a heart defect as well? I just don't know...I don't know what to do with these thoughts. My mom who was so against me having anymore kids even mentioned that I am still young and may want to have another one down the road...but if Jonathan does not, then I really can't...I just don't know.
I guess that is where I am, in the land of not knowing...that seems to be where my life has been for over 2 years now. I know that no one can look into the future and tell me anything of how it will be, but some kind of idea of what might happen would be great. I once went to see a psychic...it was when I was dating Jonathan, and I cannot help but think about how so much of what she has said is true. I don't know, maybe I should see another one (I say this half laughing, but half meaning it). I am too afraid of what she could possibly tell me though about Micah. I know, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, but again, true.
I am going to stop typing now, since I sound like a total whack job...crazy loon I am :)
I know that things can be so much worse in our lives, but I just feel plain rotten...I am so grateful for all the great things that we have in our life, but I still feel such a loss...another big one for me is how badly I want another baby. I know that I cannot handle it right now, too much going on, but I want another one so badly. I cannot part with any of the baby things because I do not want to. I am still young, but what if we had another baby who was sick? I do not think I could handle it...but what if he/she was not? Is it fair to have another baby and then stop having as much time for Micah? Is it fair to the three I have to have another one and have that baby have a heart defect as well? I just don't know...I don't know what to do with these thoughts. My mom who was so against me having anymore kids even mentioned that I am still young and may want to have another one down the road...but if Jonathan does not, then I really can't...I just don't know.
I guess that is where I am, in the land of not knowing...that seems to be where my life has been for over 2 years now. I know that no one can look into the future and tell me anything of how it will be, but some kind of idea of what might happen would be great. I once went to see a psychic...it was when I was dating Jonathan, and I cannot help but think about how so much of what she has said is true. I don't know, maybe I should see another one (I say this half laughing, but half meaning it). I am too afraid of what she could possibly tell me though about Micah. I know, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, but again, true.
I am going to stop typing now, since I sound like a total whack job...crazy loon I am :)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
80 year old grandmas
SHOULD NOT, I repeat SHOULD NOT be left outside in Dallas, Texas in July while they wait for their granddaughter to come and get them...even if said granddaughter should be there shortly...grandma's may be difficult and stubborn, but you must tell them the way things are...and that does not include making them wait outside.
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