Okay, I am sitting here with such incredibly mixed emotions on so many levels, I just do not even know where to start, so I guess I will start with the dilemma of becoming a working mom once again.
I knew when Noah was born that there was no doubt I was going back to work (Jonathan really wanted me to, plus I thought that was what I wanted...I was wrong). Anyway, I went back to work when Noah was about 13 weeks old and I missed him terribly, but I think that having him in daycare was so great for him. Looking back, I realize how much further along he got with being in a school and not staying home with me. When I got pregnant with Leah, I drew up all these plans on how we could afford for me to stay home, what I would do with the kids all day, menus blah, blah, blah. Well, she came and it was SO NOT what I had planned. I could not get anything together and still to this day feel overwhelmed and unable to have some sense of peace and tranquility in the everyday things. Things only intensified when I became pregnant with Micah and was so terribly sick for the first trimester and then finding out at 23 weeks he had a broken heart certainly did not help.
I guess where I am going with this is that I think I was able to hold everything together better when I was working...but of course, I can only compare that to having one child to care for and the fact that he was not/is not a high maintenance child (healthy). Micah keeps me so incredibly busy with doctors, therapies and worries, that I do not even know if I could ethically start a job because of knowing that I would have to miss so much work...and it has to be me who misses work because Jonathan is the one who has to have his job...he makes the big bucks and carries the awesome insurance policy that has NO LIFETIME MAX!
Seeing that I am in school, I feel that desire to get back to work. I love going to my internship and helping others. I have wanted to be a therapist since I was 14 or 15 years old...this is all I have ever wanted to do. The thing that is just killing me is the fact that I already have the masters needed to do this, but now I need the school counseling part as well. I just feel like I am wasting time in the whole education world (my education), but I only have these 3 semesters left, so I cannot stop. I want to be able to drop Micah off and go to work, but I don't. I just do not know what I want and need. I do know that I do not want to send him to a daycare. I think I have found someone who can watch him on Wednesday's for me while I go to school and who will watch the kids on Saturday's when Jon is out of town, but I am so scared. No one knows him as well as I do.
So, that is my dilemma...to work or not to work. I have been presented with an opportunity to apply for a school counselor position next fall, but Jonathan and I do not think that Micah is ready to go to a preschool full time by any means. I do not even think he can do part time, but he will have to for me to at least do a part time internship at a school. So here I will sit and live in this world of "I just do not know"
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This is such a tough balance! I know that I am definitely more sane working, but I wish I didn't have to work quite as much as I do (it's me who has the AWESOME benefits and I can't go anywhere).
I'd say get what you need to done and then you always have the option of going back in the future, even if it's not feasible right now.
Staying at home with the kids is TOUGH (and we only have one!). I honestly don't know how you do it. I'd be insane.
Good luck deciding what to do. Listen to your gut and things will fall into place as they are supposed to.
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