Drowning

I feel like I am drowning right now. I am waiting for that calm that supposedly comes to you when you finally just accept what it is and let yourself fall...I found myself crying hysterically today (luckily the kids could not see it as Noah was asleep in the back seat of the car and Leah and Micah are too oblivious to it and sunglasses help)

Today I found my mind wandering where I do not like for it to go...I really had this overwhelming feeling that I will lose Micah way too early. I cannot even believe I am typing this up because I feel in my deepest heart that he is so strong and he will do great things in his life, but for those moments, I felt horrible. I think it is this huge uncertainty that just sets me over the edge...if someone would just say, "he will have a surgery in the next year to repair his heart and then we will need to go in and redo valves etc. every 5-10 years after that" I think I would be fine...but no, it is just his heart is failing and he has all these symptoms, but we just wait. I am totally alright with just waiting, as I do not want to hand my baby over to the surgeon yet, but I cannot stand this not knowing. I want to know right now that he is going to survive all this and be totally fine. I want him to be able to do everything that Noah and Leah do, but he cannot...he cannot even sit on my lap watching tv without sweating like crazy while getting tube fed...why does he have to suffer? Why can't it just be me?

I cannot imagine ever leaving my babies (no one can take care of them like me) but what kind of mother am I right now? I real crappy one. I am making an appointment with a psychiatrist on Monday to get put back on antidepressants...I am sure this will help tremendously, but I am scared to death of those things since I still feel that they are the cause of Micah's heart...it is really hard to give in to the evil thing that created this. I know that there is a reason that Micah was given to me...but I am not really happy about it.

I sit here and say to myself that I am so happy to have Micah and that he helped this family become just that, family, but in so many ways I wonder if I should not have tempted fate and went for #3. And then, the nerve of me to even think to myself that I really do want a fourth baby. How dare I be so selfish? As I say goodbye to the baby years of Micah and stop nursing that sweet precious baby, I long to be pregnant again one day (not now, I so can't handle it now), but I want that. It is not fair for me to even consider it...I already have lost time with Noah and Leah and then what if that baby was born sick too? Micah requires so much time and energy...but will he always? I am not sure...maybe in a year he will miraculously pull out of heart failure and we will not deal with this chronic health crap, but maybe he won't. I just don't know...I am at such a loss.

Like I said, I really feel that I am struggling to hang on and not let myself go...but maybe it would just be better to give in to it all. Accept that it is okay not to know everything and not worry, but how does a mother not worry? Even when you have totally normal kids there are worries and fears, but they do not linger over you constantly as you watch your child struggle to breath or refuse to eat.

I love these kids more than life itself and I plan to stay around for a VERY long time...I can imagine my baby girl getting married...I see her in this beautiful dress with that gorgeous red hair pulled up and out of her face...I see Noah doing amazing things in his life...I do not know what yet, but I know that he will be an amazing person to his family and society in general...and then there is Micah...I can sit and see him doing so much, but then I pull back and wonder if he will still be here...will his heart be strong enough to let him get through college and get married? Will his heart hold out to be a father one day? He would be so amazing with children. Will he be the doctor that I keep saying he will be because he is so much like his big brother with so much brain power. I just want him to be free of any health concerns. Why is it that he takes 7 medicines a day (some 3 times a day) just to keep him somewhat normal? Why does he have seizures? Why will he not eat for me? Why, why, why? I guess I will never know this for sure. I do know that there is nothing that will make me leave these kids and there is nothing that I will not do for these kids...they are my entire universe. I love them so very much.

Okay...I think I am done being all sad and down for now...at least on the surface...sorry for being such a downer.